To love and be loved

Thursday, October 27, 2011

18:20

So here I was lying down, pillow between my legs, one behind me and one in front of me and he just says something that throws me off completely. It started me thinking on all my past relationships(and I've only been in two others aside from him) and how all these guys had somehow left me with lessons I wouldn't have otherwise learnt had I not been in those very unique situations. Granted I could've walked away so many times from anyone of those guys but I didn't. Maybe I'm a sucker for seeing the good in people that they tend to not see in themselves.

Sometimes it's the people who are in your life for the shortest amount of time that make the greatest impact. I remember telling Aiko's dad when we were talking once bout his fear of me leaving that he'd know when I wasn't there anymore. He would know by the gap I left behind. Doubt he heard that because he was asleep a few minutes later. But that's how it is I guess. Don't know if I can safely say this but I guess anyone who's ever met me will always remember me for the simple fact that I made an impact, no matter how small it may be. I had a lady today shout out my name just to say hi. I had and still have no idea who she is but she seems to remember me from somewhere. I can only imagine where.

Anyhu back to what I was saying. Every relationship I've been in has left me with something. My first ever real boyfriend was Chris. A really cool American exchange student we had for half a year at my school. I was 16 when that relationship started and to date he was THE most romantic of anyone to have ever attempted to get my attention. No lie. I mean the guy didn't just ask me out, he vandalized a school wall with a graffiti piece of my name which he got a mutual friend of ours to do for him and instead of asking me out straight, he told me a story with me as the main character. At the end of his story(I had my eyes closed mind you because he asked me to close them while he told his story), he kisses me just to seal his proposal! Lol.. He was a romantic through and through but that's not the point I'm trying to make. Despite our relationship not officially ending due to the simple fact that we lost touch when he went back home, so it was an assumed break-up, I learnt that I am good enough to be wanted by the opposite sex. I learnt that sexiness and beauty is not in how you portray yourself on the outside but what comes out from the inside. I mean let's face it, there were prettier and hotter girls in that school but the guy shot straight for me! That relationship right there redefined how I saw myself.

My second relationship was something to be desired. I didn't really start dating the guy because I liked him like that. Actually I don't even know how we started dating. I was into his friend more than I was into him at the beginning and it took me a while to agree to date him but I did eventually. My feelings for him grew as we went further along but looking back at it now, they shouldn't have. I mean the guy didn't treat me well at all. He assumed that I would always be there and whatnot. That I wouldn't leave and for months I took it. I took him treating me like rubbish some days and like a queen other times. Other very rare times I might add. But despite that I got emotionally involved. He broke up with me 3 times and every time he wanted me back he would convince me that it was me that needed his ass. And I guess I deluded myself into thinking I did until the time I finally got the courage to walk away for good. He's made several attempts at trying to get me back however but I haven't even considered it because unfortunately he only realized what he had when I was gone and I don’t play that. What I learnt from that relationship is that I don't need anyone to make me happy. I can make myself happy because I'm the most important person in my life. He helped me realise my true self worth and that I didn't have to pretend to be something for someone that I wasn't comfortable with. I ended up loving and appreciating being me more than I had ever before that point. After him I wasn't looking to be in any more relationships.

Then I met Aiko's dad. When I met him I was at a point where I was so comfortable in my own skin and being me that I didn't pretend to be anyone else around him. Really I didn't. I was just wacky Mel who my friends knew and loved. I had my guards up to the world but I could let myself go. I really didn't expect anything to happen with him honestly. I knew I had a major crush but I had accepted that it wouldn't have gone further than friendship with us. I really don't get why unexpected things just seem to happen to me. Well obviously we started dating and I'm not sure why but with him it felt so different, so safe almost. Being me was the best thing in the world. Was very apprehensive on letting my feelings for him grow but they grew without me realizing it until well… Christmas. That was when I can say I could really place words to what I was feeling. It was the most unplanned and unexpected thing for me to firstly admit to myself let alone him. I mean I was truly and utterly in love!

And as the relationship went further so did my feelings. He was the one person that had managed to destroy every guard I had up against the world and I didn't fight to put any of them back in place. I really did and still do believe that there was/is meant to be more there but I guess I will never really know now anymore. I'm forced to take ALL those feelings, put them in a box and bury them somewhere no one will find it. Just like Davey Jones did to his heart in Pirates of the Caribbean. Gotta cut it out and bury that sucker. I don't regret going through all this because if I did, it means I regret having this beautiful miracle growing inside me right now. Biggest thing I learnt from that whole relationship is that it's ok to just be goofball Meli. I don't need to be proving myself to the world anymore. Either you take me as I am, raw and unscripted, or you just move on. I don't need anyone to like or even love me because I love me better than anyone can and will ever be able to.

Gotta love my family outside my family though(my best friends and friends I can call family). They also really helped me see things about myself that I would otherwise have never seen. It's ok to cry. No matter how strong you think you are you have to cry at least once. Every single one of these family members has given me something about myself to appreciate and where I seem to lack, they seem to have it. I love them all to death, life and back.

We all go through relationships that tear us down to where we never thought we would be. And through everyone of these guys(or girls), we learn about ourselves. We learn how to love and what being loved should really be like. Every relationship we have is a step to finding our greatest love, ourselves. It is only when you learn to love yourself wholly, fully and unconditionally that you can reciprocate that to someone else and not feel guilty or sad when it ends because at the end of the day, you have made more of an impact in some area of that person's life that no else has or will ever be able to.

Love yourself first and the world will follow your example in loving you too. For there is no greater love than that which you are willing to give to someone else.