God has not given me the spirit of fear..

Friday, October 14, 2011

20:38

"For God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind"

I reached a stage this week where I think I became ready to finally close the chapter of my ex in my life. It's taken me a while but after all the loose ends are tied, I'm closing the chapter of A & M as a couple. It's been a scary few weeks figuring myself out in all this mess but I had to, both for my baby and for myself.

He seems to believe it means that I'll forget bout him but I couldn't do that even if I wanted to. He'll always somehow be a part of my life since I'm having his baby. It's frightening how well he knows me though, despite all this. Had a conversation with him over the phone bout this(no I didn't do the calling, I was called) and he kept saying that someday I'll understand. Maybe I will understand, maybe I won't. all I know is that in order for me to somehow lock my feelings away for him, I will need to learn to forget about what we had.

Found myself thinking today of he ever touched or kissed her the way he did me and my conclusion is I'll never know. I don't think I want to. That would just be like taking a trillion steps back to my 10 steps forward. I guess I created special memories with him but those will just have to go into storage. Maybe I'll dig them up in a thousand years or so and remove the dust from them but for now I'm just going to carefully wrap them up and put them away. I'm going to need some space to store all the new memories I'm still to create as a mother. Adele's "someone like you" song has been ringing in my head since about 7 this evening. I guess she basically sums up everything I should be saying. Funny thing is he's the one that introduced me properly to her amazing vocals. Irony ain't it?! That entire album just says everything I need to without me having to say a word anymore to him.

Taking it one day at a time and thank God for work because if it wasn't for me being insanely busy over the past few weeks, I really would have gone insane inside my head thinking.

Aiko's been rather busy though over the last week. Can't believe I'm going to be 7 months pregnant on Sunday. Wow soon I'll be in a labour ward bringing her into the land of the living. Really excited that I'm going to finally be able to hold her. I've reached my love, power and a sound mind phase. I'm still overwhelmed by the amount of support I'm getting. Ha-ha everyone seems to be excited bout this baby more than expected. I love it though, at least I know that she'll be loved to overflowing from all sides.

:-)