The trouble with love

 Monday, October 03, 2011

17:48 PM

I guess the saddest thing bout me still caring is that it's permanent.

Woke up this morning after I had a dream with him in it. Felt like it was happening all over again. I've labeled all dreams I have bout him, no matter what happens in them, as bad dreams because I wake up with this emptiness every time. You know what's the weirdest thing bout how the truth came out? I had a dream that I found out everything a week before I actually did. When I had that dream, it really did freak me out. Seems like I have a lot of these pre-event dreams. I don't understand why they happen but it's almost like I half expect what happens when it does. Yea hey, maybe it's Gods way of showing me what's to come. I hope that's right, don't wanna feel like I'm psychic or something along those weird lines. I'm weird enough as it is I guess.

Well my dreams are not really what I wanted to talk bout. The trouble with love is that once you go through it, especially if it's your first true love, then it's true what they say, you never get over it. No matter how much you try to move forward, you always feel like you somehow taking a step backwards. Wishing and wondering what it could have been like "if" this had happened differently or "if" one of you had said that differently then MAYBE things would be better. But here's the truth. Things happened exactly as they were meant to. I know, I know, things turned out unfair but one cannot dwell on what's happened otherwise we would remain stagnant and not see the next greatest love walk into our life.

It's now become cold conversations between us. I don't know why but it's almost like the father of my child considers me his worst enemy. I find myself thinking sometimes how I just want the 2 of us to be cool again. Yes, I guess we won't ever be together but at least I'll have my friend because that's what he was. A friend before a boyfriend and a boyfriend before a lover. I miss my friend now. The friend I could call up and talk nonsense with, without even having to think bout it. Palesa doesn't trust me to be alone with him(don't think anyone does either), let alone to talk to him. I don't think I do either. I don't think I ever will actually.

I really wish I could cherish the memories we had, but I don't know which were real and which weren't. It's hard when I think bout it. I wish I knew maybe then I could move past it but I'm still sitting with unanswered questions and uncertainty. I can't watch certain movies or listen to certain songs because they all remind me of him. Seeing other couples or families or even a baby with their father have the same effect on me. They all just throw me into a state of depression or deep thought as I start to wonder what it would be like if…. Ag there I go again with this wondering stuff.

I can't keep doing this. Believing I'll be ok then I start wondering bout the what if's. No matter how much I wish for things to be different they don't end up that way. Well for me anyway...

Friends think I'm stupid for still caring bout someone that's hurt me so badly but I can't help it. Wish I could somehow hate him or something but I can't. I won't be able to. I don't have it in me. I won't have it in me. What I have in me is something precious and despite it all I really wouldn't change having her. She's a gift from God, no matter how she managed to come to be.

God is love unconditional and my Aiko is love in motion… That she is and shall remain now and forever..