2 DAYS OF WONDER...

Thursday, October 06, 2011

22:08

Ok the past two days have really been something else. The more people who find out about my pregnancy, the more of them seem to believe I would've blown up like a balloon. I'M NOT FAT! And I won't be either. My belly may be small for someone at 6 and a half months but my baby is growing just perfectly. Ha-ha yea neh that’s weird. I'm overwhelmed by the support though. No matter what, I'm happy that I'm having this baby and no matter what I have to do, I will make this work.

Spoke to my BD(baby daddy) yesterday. That conversation was on another level. Know why?! Because I didn't feel sad or even feel like I needed to cry. I was just OK. Is that even possible so soon? Really seems like he wants to be in her life when she does finally arrive and despite him giving me the choice to completely cut him out I won't. Aiko needs to know her father, it's the least I can do for her. Something else was said. Something major but I don't want to think bout it much. If I do I might take a thousand steps back which I cannot afford to do. He also mentioned that he hopes I will be ok to be in the same room with him and the other woman someday and I won't lie, I was tempted to say that I wouldn't but I cannot speak for future Mel because I won't know what her mind set will be. I just told him that maybe someday I will be ok but that day ain't anytime soon for me. Still have too many emotions involved. He seemed ok with that. Poor guy misses his baby though. Didn't think he would. Well I guess I would miss my baby too if I couldn't feel her anymore…

I think I was so cool with it because I wasn't still holding any of what's happened in. This thing of writing what's on my mind instead of internalizing it like I used to is doing me wonders. Aside from the writing, leaving it all in God's hands has removed any form of negative emotion I may carry. I love being so emotionally free. No negative emotions to bring me down. There was a point today while I was walking with Thandi and Palesa where I just went quiet. I don't understand why I went so quiet. I just zoned out and went into this state on just nothing. It was peaceful in my head. I was perfectly fine but I was sooo quiet too. We need such moments to just be still and appreciate the situation. It may not be my ideal situation but I know that there's a greater plan now at work in my life..

Had a bit of an argument today with those two bout him today. They really don't believe that he'll be a good father to Aiko. "A dead-beat dad" is what they've now labeled him and they want me to cut him out my life and the baby's for good but I can't do that. I cannot close that door. That door between Aiko and her father will not be closed by me. It's not mine to close. Will he be there all the time? I don't know but I at least have to give him the chance to prove to his daughter that he is the father that she deserves. Yes I guess he may not be there for the little things but I'm hoping that he's at least constantly there for her when she needs him. I don't know what I'm going to tell her one day when she asks me why her father and I aren't together because I don't know what I could possibly say. I will tell her the truth but she must find out from him.

My friends truly believe that his word is not worth more than the letters it's composed from. They really beyond a shadow of a doubt HATE him. How that's possible? I don't know. My opinion doesn't really matter in this because they have made up their minds. Yea I may still love him but I know him. I hope they can at least come to accept him as part of her life. If he proves them right then I won't say anything but knowing my friends, they won't go down quietly if he proves them wrong.

I'm not sure why but I guess things have only just begun and I pray that
Aiko and I are not caught up in the feud that may follow. Last thing I want to do is be caught in the middle. I really don't.

Been also talking to an old friend (well he ain't an old friend, just a good friend I haven't spoken to in a while). He really seems excited bout me having this baby. He admits that he wishes it was his but he's happy he at least gets to be part of her life somehow. It's weird to hear that someone could still have a thing for you even after so long. Not sure how to take it. For now I'm done with the whole relationship scene. I'm on leave until further notice. Only thing I want to focus on now is my baby, finishing school and finding a stable job where I'll be HAPPY! That's one thing I've learnt. Nothing really matters if you find no joy in what you do..