What I need to say..

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

12:38

I was cleaning today and for some reason when I clean, I think. When I think bout you on the other hand is not good especially at this stage. I ended up thinking bout your calls on Saturday and everything you ended up saying. I doubt you even remember most of the things you did say. Which I don't expect you to either.

There are just some things you really shouldn't have said at all because now I feel like I took a few thousand steps back in my attempt to get over you. You are happy now. I am not part of that picture. I've managed to make peace with that on some level because the biggest part of loving someone is being able to let them go. After also being contacted by your girl on Monday evening, I realized just how unprepared I am to ever be in the same room with the two of you. Not for thousands of years to come. Spoke to Tammy straight after that happened and somewhere somehow she had a point. That should have made me more determined to want nothing to do with either of you, but you know me. Saying that in my head really felt like a lie.

It's been a month now since I last saw you and that day will forever be seared into my memory until the end of my days on earth. The look you had in your eyes that day just killed me more than anything you had said that day. Words may lie but eyes never do and your eyes said everything your words didn't say. I don't know whether I believe what was said Saturday when it came to us. You asked me whether I really did believe it when you said that I meant nothing a month ago after all we had been through and I said no. I didn't and still don't believe what you said at the end but what I believe has now become irrelevant. The whole point of forgiving someone is that it opens the door to forgetting. Forgetting all the bad that has happened is how I get my power back. It's taken me a month to put it all into my mental shredder and seemingly find my happiness again.

I can now smile and not feel guilty bout it for some reason. You were right when you said that you said what you had to because you knew I was made of stronger stuff and I am. Took me a while to find my strength but I have. Strength I never even knew I was capable of. Aiko is a miracle I didn't think would happen out of circumstances like these but I'm grateful she is coming. And she is blessed because she is going to be surrounded by love everywhere she goes. She has one of the biggest circles of love I can provide and the amazing thing is that it's ever expanding.

No matter how much I wish things were different, they won't ever be. I can only pray for things to get better. Hopefully one day when your book is finished I will be able to understand. But the more I grow from this the more I tend to realize that not everyone would do for me what I would do for them. Everyone seems to have terms and conditions attached that I'm not aware of but I guess I have to be ok with that.. I have to be.

You followed your heart and it somehow led you to me. I followed mine and it somehow ended up with you. Totally different but it worked. It is what it is but we were a beautiful mistake. A beautiful mistake that created something more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I never thought I would be able to say that, especially so soon and I do miss you by my side but it is what it is. What we had was great and I thought we stood a chance but like all great stories, some have to come to an end.

There may be more I want to say but I can't. My mind has filed it and let it go. I'm getting really good at that, letting things go. If I'm meant to handle it I will, if not, the universe will.

"The things people in love do to each other is unbearable but they only stay together, not because they forget, but because they choose to forgive"