Defeated

Monday, October 24, 2011

22:38

What a day this turned out to be. Aside from this crazy heat wave we seem to be experiencing, I gotta come home and deal with my moms nonsense. Today would have been just another average Monday for me.

I came home to find that my mom had not only trashed my trophies and other personal items but had also trashed the boys school stuff and some other valuable hardware. Her excuse? She was just trying to clean up a bit. Ok but now who asked her to? Like wtf! I was so angry. And I mean I haven't been this angry in years, literally. Last thing I needed was to add stress to my already pregnant self and with this heat I should have been resting but nooooo. I'm stuck outside in the blazing heat fishing our stuff out of the big bin. The woman even managed to throw away a framed picture I have of Tammy and I on my 18th birthday. Had I not noticed that something was off when I walked into the room, all my valuable things would now be gone.

Ok look, I'm not one that hides my moms condition. She's schizophrenic and has been for the longest time I can remember. She got better a few years ago until something changed I guess and she threw away her medication. She believes she's fine and won't listen to anyone who tells her otherwise. I know this is harsh to say but my mother died a long time ago. Never really got the opportunity to know her and now this shell of her that I encounter everyday is horrible. I barely talk to her in this state and I believe today my patience ran out with her.

I got so upset when we all stood around to talk to her that I thought I had broken my water and was ready to give birth. That's how bad my emotions went off the radar. I had THE worst cramps and had I not removed myself from that room, I would have been in hospital at this very moment. Aiko was in distress. I could feel her moving around frantically and for about 20 minutes after, my cramps seem to have become much worse until I managed to calm myself down a little.

The worst part of this entire situation is that some days it feels like my dad blames us for this as if we don't try to do anything about her. The other day while we were in the car, the man had a mini breakdown accusing us of wanting to hurt him and the like. I really switched off when he started. I love my dad and all but what he says to us sometimes hurts and I've switched off to that. I mean what father tells his children that if he had the money, he would bail on them?! Does that make sense?

After today, I really refuse to raise my daughter in this environment. It isn't healthy or stable. I know I'll be doing this mainly on my own but I'm prepared for that. I would go to the ends of the universe and back for her using my 2 feet if I have to. It's enough that I gotta somehow make the dysfunction that exists between her father, Mandy and I work but this I won't even try. I told my mom that honestly I am done with all her nonsense(harsh I know, but it had to be said) and I am. I'm totally defeated as to what to do and since dad won't talk to me about admitting her for a while till she can get stable, I don't know what else to do. I love my parents but this is too much...