The morning after the day before

 Friday, September 30, 2011

10:47 AM

Woke up this morning thinking about everything that's been going on and guess what?! I started crying again. I hate waking up like this especially these days when I need to relax for the sake of Aiko.

Today I'm 25 weeks and 4 days pregnant( that's 6months, 1 week and 4 days for mathematically challenged people). I can feel her move inside me. She feels so at peace in there and it calms me down a bit.

It's been one hell of a ride over the past 3 weeks and to be honest, I'm so drained emotionally. No, I feel  so defeated. The man I loved with my entire being broke not only my heart but also my spirit. I now have to work on rebuilding that part of me he stole not only for my sake but for Aiko's as well. She doesn't deserve this, like I didn't and still don't deserve to be put through this.

Got this inspiring message from Etienne this morning. He said he wishes me the best because I deserve the best and I don't deserve to be crying. That hit me in my core because I don't deserve to be crying at all, especially for someone I meant so little to.

I wish I could forget him. I really do just to save me the pain I'm going through right now. I let him in and in a way I've never really let anyone in. what's worse is I don't know if he even remotely meant anything he's ever said to me since I ever met him. He's pursuing a relationship with her and I wish them the best. I just don't know where this leaves me and my broken heart, or even my daughter. He says that he'll be there for her anytime she needs him but I doubt it. I want to believe him but after everything that's now happened, I've lost my faith in him. I know he's a good person deep inside but I don't know what to believe about him anymore.

What's sad is I now have this horrible fear inside me about what my future holds especially with her. I know I have nothing to worry about but I'm scared of what might become of her through her life to possibly have a father that may be barely around. She has now become my main purpose in life and hopefully, by God's grace, I won't screw her up. I love her more than anything in the world and she isn't even here yet.

I thank God for all my friends because they've embraced her as their own flesh and blood. Who can say they have friends like that?! I'm receiving overwhelming support from them and I don't even want to think about how much more of a mess I would currently be if I didn't have them to go crying to. It's not my baby anymore, it's ours and I at least know with them around helping me out, she'll turn out better than OK, a lil crazy but OK(Lol). A strong individual who doesn't let anything get her down.

I've also been thinking that maybe once I get my feet on the ground, I'll buy a small beach house somewhere on the coast and move there. Don't want to raise her in the city. That's one vision I must fulfill.

*Sigh* I can't believe how this year has turned out to be. One minute I'm head-over-heels in love with the guy of my dreams and next the truth comes out and I'm left with nothing but a baby in my womb and tears staining my fragile eyes. There are things I still want to say to him, so many things but I'll never get the chance. We've cut contact with each other, well he's cut contact with me. You'd think he'd wanna know how his baby is doing but nope! He wants to fix his relationship with her more. Well he's made his choice. These are moments of her life that he'll never know about. Moments he'll miss and never be able to get back. I really wish it was me he wanted to be with but it isn't. One day after all this has passed, I hope to find that person who will do right by me and my daughter. I'm in no rush to find him because I know God has a plan.

My faith truly has been shaken but I'm taking it day by day. God will make a way, no, God has already made a way. He's just waiting for me to find it. Well those are just the thought I had to get off my mind this morning. Might cry again but I'm doing my utmost best not to. Even if it's just for a few hours.

Peace and love always