I write...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

19:44

I've gotten into such a habit of writing lately that now I cannot function properly if I do not write what's on my mind. I guess I've gotten back into my first love again, writing.

 I don't even know why I gave it up in the first place. I write because on paper I don't need to prove anything to anyone at any point of the day or night!

I write because I am free. I write to correct all the wrongs in my life and give a voice to those feelings and emotions who are unable to speak for themselves. I write because the words I speak, speak louder in your mind than they do on this page. I write to tell you my story. A story of love, pain, betrayal, deceit, laughter, joy and miracles. I write to share a message of hope, love and happiness. I write to give you some sort of hope. I write because what I have to say is not my own but from up above. I may say one thing but what you understand is completely different. I write to share my heart with you and in the process allow you to open yours.

But most of all I write because I love it. Moments create the situations in which life happens. Appreciate the moments so that the  situations can write a positive story of your life. A story you will be proud to let anyone read.. Love life. Love yourself. Love people.

To love and be loved

Thursday, October 27, 2011

18:20

So here I was lying down, pillow between my legs, one behind me and one in front of me and he just says something that throws me off completely. It started me thinking on all my past relationships(and I've only been in two others aside from him) and how all these guys had somehow left me with lessons I wouldn't have otherwise learnt had I not been in those very unique situations. Granted I could've walked away so many times from anyone of those guys but I didn't. Maybe I'm a sucker for seeing the good in people that they tend to not see in themselves.

Sometimes it's the people who are in your life for the shortest amount of time that make the greatest impact. I remember telling Aiko's dad when we were talking once bout his fear of me leaving that he'd know when I wasn't there anymore. He would know by the gap I left behind. Doubt he heard that because he was asleep a few minutes later. But that's how it is I guess. Don't know if I can safely say this but I guess anyone who's ever met me will always remember me for the simple fact that I made an impact, no matter how small it may be. I had a lady today shout out my name just to say hi. I had and still have no idea who she is but she seems to remember me from somewhere. I can only imagine where.

Anyhu back to what I was saying. Every relationship I've been in has left me with something. My first ever real boyfriend was Chris. A really cool American exchange student we had for half a year at my school. I was 16 when that relationship started and to date he was THE most romantic of anyone to have ever attempted to get my attention. No lie. I mean the guy didn't just ask me out, he vandalized a school wall with a graffiti piece of my name which he got a mutual friend of ours to do for him and instead of asking me out straight, he told me a story with me as the main character. At the end of his story(I had my eyes closed mind you because he asked me to close them while he told his story), he kisses me just to seal his proposal! Lol.. He was a romantic through and through but that's not the point I'm trying to make. Despite our relationship not officially ending due to the simple fact that we lost touch when he went back home, so it was an assumed break-up, I learnt that I am good enough to be wanted by the opposite sex. I learnt that sexiness and beauty is not in how you portray yourself on the outside but what comes out from the inside. I mean let's face it, there were prettier and hotter girls in that school but the guy shot straight for me! That relationship right there redefined how I saw myself.

My second relationship was something to be desired. I didn't really start dating the guy because I liked him like that. Actually I don't even know how we started dating. I was into his friend more than I was into him at the beginning and it took me a while to agree to date him but I did eventually. My feelings for him grew as we went further along but looking back at it now, they shouldn't have. I mean the guy didn't treat me well at all. He assumed that I would always be there and whatnot. That I wouldn't leave and for months I took it. I took him treating me like rubbish some days and like a queen other times. Other very rare times I might add. But despite that I got emotionally involved. He broke up with me 3 times and every time he wanted me back he would convince me that it was me that needed his ass. And I guess I deluded myself into thinking I did until the time I finally got the courage to walk away for good. He's made several attempts at trying to get me back however but I haven't even considered it because unfortunately he only realized what he had when I was gone and I don’t play that. What I learnt from that relationship is that I don't need anyone to make me happy. I can make myself happy because I'm the most important person in my life. He helped me realise my true self worth and that I didn't have to pretend to be something for someone that I wasn't comfortable with. I ended up loving and appreciating being me more than I had ever before that point. After him I wasn't looking to be in any more relationships.

Then I met Aiko's dad. When I met him I was at a point where I was so comfortable in my own skin and being me that I didn't pretend to be anyone else around him. Really I didn't. I was just wacky Mel who my friends knew and loved. I had my guards up to the world but I could let myself go. I really didn't expect anything to happen with him honestly. I knew I had a major crush but I had accepted that it wouldn't have gone further than friendship with us. I really don't get why unexpected things just seem to happen to me. Well obviously we started dating and I'm not sure why but with him it felt so different, so safe almost. Being me was the best thing in the world. Was very apprehensive on letting my feelings for him grow but they grew without me realizing it until well… Christmas. That was when I can say I could really place words to what I was feeling. It was the most unplanned and unexpected thing for me to firstly admit to myself let alone him. I mean I was truly and utterly in love!

And as the relationship went further so did my feelings. He was the one person that had managed to destroy every guard I had up against the world and I didn't fight to put any of them back in place. I really did and still do believe that there was/is meant to be more there but I guess I will never really know now anymore. I'm forced to take ALL those feelings, put them in a box and bury them somewhere no one will find it. Just like Davey Jones did to his heart in Pirates of the Caribbean. Gotta cut it out and bury that sucker. I don't regret going through all this because if I did, it means I regret having this beautiful miracle growing inside me right now. Biggest thing I learnt from that whole relationship is that it's ok to just be goofball Meli. I don't need to be proving myself to the world anymore. Either you take me as I am, raw and unscripted, or you just move on. I don't need anyone to like or even love me because I love me better than anyone can and will ever be able to.

Gotta love my family outside my family though(my best friends and friends I can call family). They also really helped me see things about myself that I would otherwise have never seen. It's ok to cry. No matter how strong you think you are you have to cry at least once. Every single one of these family members has given me something about myself to appreciate and where I seem to lack, they seem to have it. I love them all to death, life and back.

We all go through relationships that tear us down to where we never thought we would be. And through everyone of these guys(or girls), we learn about ourselves. We learn how to love and what being loved should really be like. Every relationship we have is a step to finding our greatest love, ourselves. It is only when you learn to love yourself wholly, fully and unconditionally that you can reciprocate that to someone else and not feel guilty or sad when it ends because at the end of the day, you have made more of an impact in some area of that person's life that no else has or will ever be able to.

Love yourself first and the world will follow your example in loving you too. For there is no greater love than that which you are willing to give to someone else.

And the shock gets better..

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

14:02

Lol so I was talking to Busi a few minutes ago and she told me THE MOST HILARIOUS story of how her friend was really shocked bout my pregnancy. This by far is the best reaction I have received from anyone and that makes it legendary!

So he calls her to find out if I'm really pregnant. He found out from the status I had posted a while back on my Facebook page. Aside from complaining that I was too young he proceeded to asking who the father was. When Busi asked what difference it makes he proceeded to say that he needs to make sure that it's not his! Lol.. Lmao.. That right there finished me! I have never met the guy face to face due to the fact that he lives in Durban and the most contact we've ever had was over the phone when he called Busi and I happened to be there. Oh and maybe on Facebook too. But like seriously?! Lol.. Why would I be carrying his kid? The he goes on to be in denial bout my age also Lol.. Ai no. classic! Gotta love people's reactions about all this.

Being pregnant is the most amazing thing on the planet and I commend every mother out there that goes through it and loves the experience no matter what's happening in their lives. Whether she is married or has to do it on her own, a mother will always somehow find the strength to grow and raise another person. I'm excited that it's happening to me!!! Yay imma be a MOM!

Laugh therapy..

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

19:44

I really needed today. Just to be lazy and relax. After the entire incident yesterday and inducing these horrible cramps, I was afraid something might be wrong with Aiko. Barely slept through the night because the cramps carried on until this morning. Stayed in bed. Really at the rate I was going I probably would have ended up in hospital by Friday but thank God I'm fine now. Had cramps at random times throughout my day and they were bad but it's managed to calm down significantly.

I feel great though, emotionally. Spent my day laughing, and laughing good and proper. Laugh therapy is the way forward, backwards and sideways. Spent the day watching Trevor Noah's Crazy Normal DVD. The man is my hero! I love his sense of humour and if I could marry him, I would! The man is everything a woman needs and more Lol.. No joke. In love!

Laughed at Palesa too. I officially deem the girl crazy and off her rocker. She plans on eating my child when she arrives. I quote, "They don't make beef like that anymore". Yes she seriously proclaimed to me that she would put my baby in her mouth! That made me laugh to stitches plus I was watching Trevor at the same time so you can just imagine how that went down. Then she goes and blames me for letting her get on her exercise bike in this heat. Lol.. Ok seriously, what sane person would do ANYTHING in this heat?! Lol.. I love my bestie to death, mara the things she blames me for? Nah… I draw the line when I'm actually there. When I'm not, girl you is on your own!

It's getting closer and closer to my due date! *Excited* I'm 29 weeks and 2 days along today. Come Sunday. I'll be 7 and a half moths pregnant! I don't know why but the more I think of being a mother despite being so young, I know I'm going to have a tough time but it will be the time of my life. The way it's looking now, I think she will be my only child. Took the vow of chastity when things went south with my ex(still feels weird to call him that but I'm getting used to it). Maybe one day, someone will put a ring on my finger and want to spend the rest of their lives with me and accept Aiko as their own but until that day comes, I won't be holding my breath. If I do, I might suffocate (^_^). God doesn't give anyone anything they can't handle and I believe that now more than ever. Getting pregnant at 21 wasn't part of my life plan and it came as a great shock to me but nothing is ever a surprise to Him. God just adjusted his plan for my life and I will get to where he needs me to be in my life. All I need I a lot of patience and faith.

I also just wanted to thank everyone who has my back through this… truly if it wasn't for you guys, I would be in another place all together and not where I am right now. God has truly answered many of my plans through you.. Love you all to death and life and the ends of the universe(^_^)

Defeated

Monday, October 24, 2011

22:38

What a day this turned out to be. Aside from this crazy heat wave we seem to be experiencing, I gotta come home and deal with my moms nonsense. Today would have been just another average Monday for me.

I came home to find that my mom had not only trashed my trophies and other personal items but had also trashed the boys school stuff and some other valuable hardware. Her excuse? She was just trying to clean up a bit. Ok but now who asked her to? Like wtf! I was so angry. And I mean I haven't been this angry in years, literally. Last thing I needed was to add stress to my already pregnant self and with this heat I should have been resting but nooooo. I'm stuck outside in the blazing heat fishing our stuff out of the big bin. The woman even managed to throw away a framed picture I have of Tammy and I on my 18th birthday. Had I not noticed that something was off when I walked into the room, all my valuable things would now be gone.

Ok look, I'm not one that hides my moms condition. She's schizophrenic and has been for the longest time I can remember. She got better a few years ago until something changed I guess and she threw away her medication. She believes she's fine and won't listen to anyone who tells her otherwise. I know this is harsh to say but my mother died a long time ago. Never really got the opportunity to know her and now this shell of her that I encounter everyday is horrible. I barely talk to her in this state and I believe today my patience ran out with her.

I got so upset when we all stood around to talk to her that I thought I had broken my water and was ready to give birth. That's how bad my emotions went off the radar. I had THE worst cramps and had I not removed myself from that room, I would have been in hospital at this very moment. Aiko was in distress. I could feel her moving around frantically and for about 20 minutes after, my cramps seem to have become much worse until I managed to calm myself down a little.

The worst part of this entire situation is that some days it feels like my dad blames us for this as if we don't try to do anything about her. The other day while we were in the car, the man had a mini breakdown accusing us of wanting to hurt him and the like. I really switched off when he started. I love my dad and all but what he says to us sometimes hurts and I've switched off to that. I mean what father tells his children that if he had the money, he would bail on them?! Does that make sense?

After today, I really refuse to raise my daughter in this environment. It isn't healthy or stable. I know I'll be doing this mainly on my own but I'm prepared for that. I would go to the ends of the universe and back for her using my 2 feet if I have to. It's enough that I gotta somehow make the dysfunction that exists between her father, Mandy and I work but this I won't even try. I told my mom that honestly I am done with all her nonsense(harsh I know, but it had to be said) and I am. I'm totally defeated as to what to do and since dad won't talk to me about admitting her for a while till she can get stable, I don't know what else to do. I love my parents but this is too much...

I am not FAT!!

Monday, October 24, 2011

12:58

I'm amazed right now t how many people are using the opportunity of me being pregnant to call me fat. Lol.. Of all things in life to look forward to, some people(aka Palesa, Tammy, Danmore and my brothers) are reveling in the idea that I may actually be, well, big! The nick names I've been given even. Meli the Whaley?! Lmao.. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.. Ok that one is a good one, won't lie.

Guys come on. I know I can't gain too much weight but this? Seriously, I lost weight during this pregnancy and only gained back 600g. And guess what?! That's just the baby's weight, not mine! Which I find completely weird with the way  seem to be eating lately. I swear, this child eats more than I do. Ok so I admit I'm getting bigger and yes I ain't ashamed of it. I love my 'fat' self actually. I must say though, I make a sexy big person, wouldn't you agree?

Pregnancy High...

Friday, October 21, 2011
09:19

Woke up this morning feeling like a beached whale Lol. I mean there I was in bed, surrounded by pillows(gotta sleep with bout 4 pillows now, so you can just imagine what that looks like), and my alarm goes off. Any attempts to move were futile. It took me 10 minutes longer to get out of bed today. What an effort that was, should have just gone back to sleep instead of wasting the energy.

Since I took the photo of myself on Sunday, Aiko seems to have hit some sort of unnatural growth spurt. I don't know whether it's the eating or she's just utilizing her cells very well. All I know is that my belly is huge. I must say this is the biggest I've ever been since, well, forever. Lol.. It's fun though. You should've seen me dance this morning when "Got to love you" by Sean Paul played on the radio. I BROKE IT DOWN! Ha-ha.. Aiko and mommy broke it down! Ever seen a whale dance? No?! Wow I need to come and dance for you. Lol… prepare to laugh hard. Mxm damn Palesa for making me like that song! Vengeance will be mine sister!

Ha-ha well that's been my crazy morning. I'm really smiling like I'm high on every known drug in the world.. I've officially lost it. My baby girl has a crazy mom. We're gonna have fun!(muhahahahahahahahahahahahaha… cough cough..)



What I looked like on sunday(Oct 16)



 

What I look like this morning, Oct 21 (don't judge me! It's 7 in the morning hawu)

Toy soldier

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

18:35

Discovered this amazing song  today by accident on Keri's No Boys Allowed. It's called Toy Soldier and damn the lyrics just some up everything I need to say but can't so here goes.

So I guess I fell in love with a toy soldier

He told me that our love would be marching on

Hoorah, hoorah
He told me that our love was mighty strong
Hoorah, hoorah

And guess I believed you, 'cause you were my baby

Why would I doubt you when you said you loved me?
But I didn't know you were the enemy

But the only one who made me cry is you

And the only one I had to fight is you
And it was you who told me

He said that I would never have to fight again

He said that I would never have to cry again
He said he'd had been to the battle field
My heart is safe with him, all my trust I gave to him
So I guess I fell in love with a toy soldier

You told me that you would take care of me

You lied, you lied
You told me that you was the best for me
You lied, you lied

'Cause you came up empty, I feel like you're tripping me

Everything you said you'd give me, you couldn't give me
Yeah, oh

'Cause the only one who made me cry is you, whoa

And the only one I had to fight is you
And it was you who told me

He said that I would never have to fight again

He said that I would never have to cry again
He said he'd had been to the battle field
My heart is safe with him, all my trust I gave to him
So I guess I fell in love, I fell in love with a toy soldier

I let down my guard 'cause you were my guard

But who protects me now?
'Cause I gave you my heart and you tore it apart
Oh you let me down, oh baby

He said that I would never have to fight again

He said that I would never have to cry again
He said he'd had been to the battle field
My heart is safe with him, all my trust I gave to him
So I guess I fell in love with a toy soldier

I gave all of my love to him, hoorah, hoorah

I gave all of my love to him, hoorah, hoorah

Damn it's like this song says everything I wanted to say to him through all the tears I had. It's amazing how music just gets you and it doesn't even have to know who you are. That's one life partner I know won't let me down ever. In good and in bad times. I really hope you see this post… The song was recorded just for me to give to you…

What I need to say..

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

12:38

I was cleaning today and for some reason when I clean, I think. When I think bout you on the other hand is not good especially at this stage. I ended up thinking bout your calls on Saturday and everything you ended up saying. I doubt you even remember most of the things you did say. Which I don't expect you to either.

There are just some things you really shouldn't have said at all because now I feel like I took a few thousand steps back in my attempt to get over you. You are happy now. I am not part of that picture. I've managed to make peace with that on some level because the biggest part of loving someone is being able to let them go. After also being contacted by your girl on Monday evening, I realized just how unprepared I am to ever be in the same room with the two of you. Not for thousands of years to come. Spoke to Tammy straight after that happened and somewhere somehow she had a point. That should have made me more determined to want nothing to do with either of you, but you know me. Saying that in my head really felt like a lie.

It's been a month now since I last saw you and that day will forever be seared into my memory until the end of my days on earth. The look you had in your eyes that day just killed me more than anything you had said that day. Words may lie but eyes never do and your eyes said everything your words didn't say. I don't know whether I believe what was said Saturday when it came to us. You asked me whether I really did believe it when you said that I meant nothing a month ago after all we had been through and I said no. I didn't and still don't believe what you said at the end but what I believe has now become irrelevant. The whole point of forgiving someone is that it opens the door to forgetting. Forgetting all the bad that has happened is how I get my power back. It's taken me a month to put it all into my mental shredder and seemingly find my happiness again.

I can now smile and not feel guilty bout it for some reason. You were right when you said that you said what you had to because you knew I was made of stronger stuff and I am. Took me a while to find my strength but I have. Strength I never even knew I was capable of. Aiko is a miracle I didn't think would happen out of circumstances like these but I'm grateful she is coming. And she is blessed because she is going to be surrounded by love everywhere she goes. She has one of the biggest circles of love I can provide and the amazing thing is that it's ever expanding.

No matter how much I wish things were different, they won't ever be. I can only pray for things to get better. Hopefully one day when your book is finished I will be able to understand. But the more I grow from this the more I tend to realize that not everyone would do for me what I would do for them. Everyone seems to have terms and conditions attached that I'm not aware of but I guess I have to be ok with that.. I have to be.

You followed your heart and it somehow led you to me. I followed mine and it somehow ended up with you. Totally different but it worked. It is what it is but we were a beautiful mistake. A beautiful mistake that created something more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I never thought I would be able to say that, especially so soon and I do miss you by my side but it is what it is. What we had was great and I thought we stood a chance but like all great stories, some have to come to an end.

There may be more I want to say but I can't. My mind has filed it and let it go. I'm getting really good at that, letting things go. If I'm meant to handle it I will, if not, the universe will.

"The things people in love do to each other is unbearable but they only stay together, not because they forget, but because they choose to forgive"

Just when I thought...

Monday, October 17, 2011

18:28

Just when I thought I was over the whole thing, I feel like I just took a 100 steps back. And back to a feeling I do not ever wanna feel again. The other baby mama just contacted me to say that she didn't reply to the message I sent her a month ago because she felt like she was stealing my happiness. Okay… then she goes on to say that she has nothing against me and hold no grudges either.. Alright someone PLEASE explain to me how one should respond to that because truly, Mel was answering from a distracted perspective.

I'm now trying to do work but I can't focus because it's now started running through my mind all over again! I wanna focus but I can't seem to anymore. Hence I'm writing, maybe it will help me clear my head. I really don't know what to think right now.

I'm a bit upset that she decides to wait a month to say anything. I completely forgot that I had even sent her a message. What’s worse is I'm still brewing in the  confusion from this weekend with my ex. So more confusion wasn't needed on my part. I can't help but think that maybe my face is being rubbed in it for some reason. Yes I know they're together, and it's taken me a while, but I'm ok with that. To wanna talk to me at this stage about something that's long since happened isn't kosher. Not one bit.

I guess she means well on some level but I don't think bringing it up the way she did was right. Not one bit. If there's a problem, I say address it there and then. Don't wait for the Christmas decorations to go up before you say anything. If you have nothing to say then leave it there. Eventually, people forget bout it and move on.

*Sigh*… Well now it's back to square one today. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be better and can manage to put the smile back on my face…

Daddy's little girl

Monday, October 17, 2011
11:12

Aiko is really daddy's little girl. I say that because of one simple fact, THE CHILD REFUSES TO REMAIN STILL! Lol.. I really had to fight with her last night to calm down because she was kicking and moving like mad. Just like her dad that can't sit still for 2 seconds, the lil one won't stop kicking me for 2 seconds either. This weekend was the most I've ever felt her move since she started moving! Ai no looks like I'm going to have m hands full with this one when she arrives.

The funniest thing though is when she kicks hard and I'm sitting still. You can actually see the movement in my belly. I was sitting yesterday with my brothers when she started kicking and I told Paul to look. He was so traumatized seeing the baby's movement through my dress. He refuses to feel her kick! Lol.. He says he'll feel her kick when she arrives. What a sissy! You can tell him I said that! Well that was just my little update on my lil bundle of energetic joy...

Have my third doctors visit tomorrow. I hope everything goes well. No I know everything will go well….

She's at it again! Oh gosh...

Left speechless… TWICE!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

21:21

Yea this weekend truly has been something else hey. I've been left speechless twice this weekend and that rarely happens. It's like lightning hitting twice in the same place, scientifically implausible. And it was by the same person! That's where the weirdness lies.

So I found myself in the bath yesterday(saturday) morning, soap in my eyes and all. Guess what happens?! My phone decides to ring! Lol.. Like who calls a person at 7 in the morning on a Saturday? But I knew exactly who it was. I put that ringtone for a reason a few months ago. Not sure why I haven't yet removed it though. Anyway so here I am scrambling to find my phone with soap in my eyes and I finally get to it and answer. So he just called  me to say he finally gets it. He gets why I believe in him so much. That conversation went on for like 15 minutes or so and at some point I had no idea what to say. Like really I sat there, in the bath water(managed to wash the soap from my eyes while on the phone, superwoman tendencies Lol), and was left speechless at some of the things he was saying to me. When phones were finally hung up, Aiko started kicking as if she knew who had been on the phone. But I literally sat there in the bath, in shock! Like literally if it wasn't for the routine of finishing to bath and getting dressed, I probably would have sat there for like an hour trying to absorb it.

Well I seemingly managed to put it out of my mind. I mean a girl had to focus on shopping! Lol.. I guess they are right when they say, retail therapy works! Sadly I wasn't shopping for me but for the baby. That was fun though. Ok so here I was in the middle of Mr Price Home, trying to pick out which blanket would work best for Aiko when my phone rings again. Yep same ringtone as before. Already I was in too good a mood to not answer and the conversation from that morning truly didn't register. I answered the phone. That conversation I will have to admit went on for almost an hour. An hour that I was still shopping I might add. So here's Melissa pushing a trolley with a phone attached to her ear and picking out thing for baby. That's a sight I tell you. I hit the till and I'm still on the phone. I walk to the elevator, get in and get to the next store, and I'M STILL ON THE PHONE! I got what I needed to get in Checkers Hyper and I'm there for a while hey. While I'm in the store I get another call. I put one on hold to answer the other and once that is over I'm back to my first call. Ok so there I was in the baby aisle and he said something that completely knocked the wind from my lungs. Like I didn't know what to do with myself. Yep speechless moment number 2! And he noticed it. He knows I always usually got something to say but that? No that I had no response for!

Even after I hung up the phone 20 minutes later, that conversation was ringing in my head but I couldn't dwell on it because I literally had to get home, drop my bags and leave again. Went to meet up with an old friend. Literally haven't seen him in 2 and a half years. What's weirder bout it though is that 2, yes I said TWO, people thought and asked me if he was the baby's father. Lol.. That was weird. Apparently he and I get along so well they thought he was the baby's dad. Funny when I think bout it. So when I got home, I brewed over what had happened with the ex that day and it still makes no sense what happened. No sense at all actually and I won't try to make sense of it either. I'm just going to let it be…

Weirder of it all I that I had no problem having a conversation with him. That's how easy it was for me. It felt NORMAL! I swear i'm crazy, no really, I am.

God has not given me the spirit of fear..

Friday, October 14, 2011

20:38

"For God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind"

I reached a stage this week where I think I became ready to finally close the chapter of my ex in my life. It's taken me a while but after all the loose ends are tied, I'm closing the chapter of A & M as a couple. It's been a scary few weeks figuring myself out in all this mess but I had to, both for my baby and for myself.

He seems to believe it means that I'll forget bout him but I couldn't do that even if I wanted to. He'll always somehow be a part of my life since I'm having his baby. It's frightening how well he knows me though, despite all this. Had a conversation with him over the phone bout this(no I didn't do the calling, I was called) and he kept saying that someday I'll understand. Maybe I will understand, maybe I won't. all I know is that in order for me to somehow lock my feelings away for him, I will need to learn to forget about what we had.

Found myself thinking today of he ever touched or kissed her the way he did me and my conclusion is I'll never know. I don't think I want to. That would just be like taking a trillion steps back to my 10 steps forward. I guess I created special memories with him but those will just have to go into storage. Maybe I'll dig them up in a thousand years or so and remove the dust from them but for now I'm just going to carefully wrap them up and put them away. I'm going to need some space to store all the new memories I'm still to create as a mother. Adele's "someone like you" song has been ringing in my head since about 7 this evening. I guess she basically sums up everything I should be saying. Funny thing is he's the one that introduced me properly to her amazing vocals. Irony ain't it?! That entire album just says everything I need to without me having to say a word anymore to him.

Taking it one day at a time and thank God for work because if it wasn't for me being insanely busy over the past few weeks, I really would have gone insane inside my head thinking.

Aiko's been rather busy though over the last week. Can't believe I'm going to be 7 months pregnant on Sunday. Wow soon I'll be in a labour ward bringing her into the land of the living. Really excited that I'm going to finally be able to hold her. I've reached my love, power and a sound mind phase. I'm still overwhelmed by the amount of support I'm getting. Ha-ha everyone seems to be excited bout this baby more than expected. I love it though, at least I know that she'll be loved to overflowing from all sides.

:-)

True beauty

Thursday, October 13, 2011

8:21

I don't mean to blow my own horn or anything that arrogant but I have to admit I'm amazing when it comes to inspiration especially when I'm just dozing off and my mind is running at the speed of light( how I manage to fall asleep at that speed is, well, truly something out of this world). Last night while I was having one of these moments a quote just popped into my head. This struck me so much that I had to wake myself up just to write it down.

True beauty is not MAN-made. It is SELF-made.

Melissa Boguo (12 October 2011)

One has to understand that no matter how much you try to look beautiful or handsome on the outside, if you haven't worked on the inner you then guess what?! You are just like Barbie. Beautiful and plastic. Ain't nothing more to you than your looks and well a well established brand to you.

To look beautiful on the outside, you must be beautiful on the inside too. One needs to humble themselves in all situations and ask, "What can I learn from this?". Understand this, you are only as good as your last experience. Ewhat I mean by that is if something happened to you yesterday that made you cry blood(ok that's exaggeration but you get me.. I hope), you will not, no matter who you think you are, wake up today with a huge smile on your face and happiness tipped to overflowing. Know why? Because you're HUMAN!

It takes everyone, no matter how old, experienced or influential you are, time to accept who they are. We spend entire lifetimes in search of meaning in our lives that we tend to overlook the small and simple beauties that exist around us everyday. We bury ourselves in our problems annd fail to realise that there are others going through something much worse than we are and they still manage to find it in themselves to wake up every morning with a smile on their face and gratitude in their hearts. Don't be consumed by what you're going through now because from this greater things will come from it. Your life is not meant to be stuck in the situation you are now in.

Wait.. That train needs to come back to the staion. In order to dvelop your inner beauty, you need to develop what I call the 4 basic laws of life that will allow others to see in you what you rarely choose to see in yourself because honestly speaking we all find it hard to accept compliments than we do to dish them out to others.

1. Love who you are!

Let's face it, we all have flaws and faults we wish we didn't, both outwardly to the world and in ourselves, whether it be the biggest mole on our face or unstable insecurities. YOU CANNOT LOVE WHAT YOU DO NOT ACCEPT! I know it will take you a while to love yourself wholely, completely and unconditionally but until you are willing to start trying now, you may never reach that stage. Yes, I know there may be neagtives to you but who the f!&% really notices except you?! Unless ofcourse that's what you portray. That happens because you don't want to make yourself vulnerable to the world I look for the good within yourself because guess what, you AIN'T all bad!

2. Have an attitude of gratitude

Be grateful for everything in your life. Whether good or bad because it has made you who you are. Be thankful each and every day. Life is full of amazing little wonders. Open your eyes, heart, mind and soul to them and you'll be amazed at what happens. In the good time and in the bad, learn to BE GRATEFUL for the small things because when the big things come, you won't have to think about it.

3. Humble yourself!

Flip if someone says you are the most beautiful creature on the planet, say THANK YOU! Not, "Nah nigga, you blind?". Lol.. Ai some people. The good that others see in you should be a good starting point to acknowledging it and loving it about yourself. You may feel a bit flustered but hey, it's a compliment. Take criticism in the same fashion. You may not think you portray a bad aura sometimes, but YOU DO! Humble yourself, accept it and try to change it if you can. In fact change it!

4. Look for the beauty in each day

I know some days it's hard to look for beauty in anything, trust me I know, but you have to be willing to try. Whether it be a laughing a t all these Blackberry users or just admiring the beauty in a leaf that is blowing in the wind then do that. Nothing put more of a smile on my face than when I make someone smile. It doesn't matter what happens during that day, as long as I can go to sleep knowing I did some good in the world that day. Open yourself up. That's all you need to do.

These are just some of the laws I live by. I'm not even conscious that I do because they're built into my spirit and soul. They come naturally. My ex always used to ask me how the hell I could love a screw up just like him. My answer was always this, I could see something in him and I still do. Something good. He didn't believe me when I told him that because he doesn't believe that there is but I wasn't looking at him through my own eyes but through God's. Look for the God in people everyday(yes, even your enemy)… You'll be amazed at what you see in them and ultimately yourself...

A baby asked God

Tuesday, October 11, 2011
20:58

Received an unexpected yet beautiful email from Palesa today. It really did put a big smile on my face. Attached to the email was a document titled A baby asked God. It was truly beautiful.

A baby asked God

A baby asked God, "They tell me you're sending me to the earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you"

The child further enquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for  you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angels love and be very happy."

Again the child asked, " And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in heaven,  but voices from earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God if I am to leave now, please tell me my angels name."

God said, "You will simply call her 'MOM'"

M- My

O- Only

M- Mentor

I love this… And I really can't wait for Aiko to arrive in the world.

Busi thinks I'm mad for not wanting to rest in December but I can't there's still so much to do. There's a high chance that I will give birth sometime in December and I'm trying to prepare myself for it...

Book deal?!

Monday, October 10, 2011
22:46

 I managed to do some thinking today(despite my crazy work load at the moment) and something struck me. No really, it struck me like a high speed bullet train at rush hour. I switch off from people that hurt me. I had another moment of insanity again but this time it wasn't like yesterday. What I mean by that is, well, the baby didn't move. Usually she does. It's as if I've managed to block out his existence somehow and when the thought of him flashed in my head I seriously had to remember who he was and what happened. All this though didn't last for more that 10 seconds though. My mind just went blank after that and only processed essential thoughts like breathing and other important bodily functions. I only realised a few minutes ago that my brain completely switched itself off to the world. Didn't even realise that was possible.

Well aside from that I'm exhausted. It amazes me how I manage to do the things I do sometimes especially now past 6 and a half months pregnant. I know I need to slow down sometime but I don't think I'll be able to and when Aiko arrives I know I'll be even busier. I don't mind it. Actually I look forward to the challenge ahead.

I got a pretty cool suggestion from a friend today. He reckons I should actually write a book based on the events I recently went through and I thought why not just compile a book with all my blog posts in them. What do you think? Hmmmmm it is a very good idea actually since I, and I quote, "have a way with words". I really do like that idea and I will start compiling a book. And if God willing, I'll manage to get it published and make some dough! Lol.. Ok ambitious but you can't blame a sister for dreaming right? Hmmmm wait.. Maybe it will happen… you never know what God really has in store for me...

Moment of insanity

Sunday, October 09, 2011
22:15

Yep! That's right. I had a moment of complete insanity today when I woke up from my nap earlier. Well that's all I can call it really because I don't know what else to label it anymore. Anyway back to my moment of insanity. Well I woke up earlier and in the process of my brain rebooting I caught myself thinking bout… well him! And not just him but him with her and what he could be doing at that moment. For some reason I felt some emotion well up in me at the thought and I don't even know why. That insane moment lasted bout a good minute! A minute of complete insanity I tell you! It's been about 2 weeks now since he called it quits with me and here I am centuries later still involuntarily thinking bout him. That's one place I don't need to go back to… EVER!

Well today was something else though. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant officially(that's 6 months and 3/4 weeks). Seems like I needed to be initiated into this because today I had my worst case of nausea ever and it came out of nowhere, literally. Ended up vomiting the entire contents of my stomach and almost passing out. Not to mention my sudden case of intense burning up! I mean really I burnt up too quickly. My body temperature went from 37,9◦C to well extremely hot in a matter of seconds. What scared me more is that Aiko began moving around and kicking me like crazy. I knew something was very wrong after that happened and I was worried but after my lovely puking session I felt fine. Which was weird. Haven't been able to stomach much since then but I'm trying. Hopefully I'll be better in the morning.

All in all I've had an alright week. I thank god for giving me the opportunity to make it through another Saturday. These late night-early mornings are killing me but I gotta do what I need to to survive. Working on plans to move out soon/ praying that all will work out with that. Need to start my rest regime soon otherwise I might just give birth.. Ha-ha let me not joke like that...

2 DAYS OF WONDER...

Thursday, October 06, 2011

22:08

Ok the past two days have really been something else. The more people who find out about my pregnancy, the more of them seem to believe I would've blown up like a balloon. I'M NOT FAT! And I won't be either. My belly may be small for someone at 6 and a half months but my baby is growing just perfectly. Ha-ha yea neh that’s weird. I'm overwhelmed by the support though. No matter what, I'm happy that I'm having this baby and no matter what I have to do, I will make this work.

Spoke to my BD(baby daddy) yesterday. That conversation was on another level. Know why?! Because I didn't feel sad or even feel like I needed to cry. I was just OK. Is that even possible so soon? Really seems like he wants to be in her life when she does finally arrive and despite him giving me the choice to completely cut him out I won't. Aiko needs to know her father, it's the least I can do for her. Something else was said. Something major but I don't want to think bout it much. If I do I might take a thousand steps back which I cannot afford to do. He also mentioned that he hopes I will be ok to be in the same room with him and the other woman someday and I won't lie, I was tempted to say that I wouldn't but I cannot speak for future Mel because I won't know what her mind set will be. I just told him that maybe someday I will be ok but that day ain't anytime soon for me. Still have too many emotions involved. He seemed ok with that. Poor guy misses his baby though. Didn't think he would. Well I guess I would miss my baby too if I couldn't feel her anymore…

I think I was so cool with it because I wasn't still holding any of what's happened in. This thing of writing what's on my mind instead of internalizing it like I used to is doing me wonders. Aside from the writing, leaving it all in God's hands has removed any form of negative emotion I may carry. I love being so emotionally free. No negative emotions to bring me down. There was a point today while I was walking with Thandi and Palesa where I just went quiet. I don't understand why I went so quiet. I just zoned out and went into this state on just nothing. It was peaceful in my head. I was perfectly fine but I was sooo quiet too. We need such moments to just be still and appreciate the situation. It may not be my ideal situation but I know that there's a greater plan now at work in my life..

Had a bit of an argument today with those two bout him today. They really don't believe that he'll be a good father to Aiko. "A dead-beat dad" is what they've now labeled him and they want me to cut him out my life and the baby's for good but I can't do that. I cannot close that door. That door between Aiko and her father will not be closed by me. It's not mine to close. Will he be there all the time? I don't know but I at least have to give him the chance to prove to his daughter that he is the father that she deserves. Yes I guess he may not be there for the little things but I'm hoping that he's at least constantly there for her when she needs him. I don't know what I'm going to tell her one day when she asks me why her father and I aren't together because I don't know what I could possibly say. I will tell her the truth but she must find out from him.

My friends truly believe that his word is not worth more than the letters it's composed from. They really beyond a shadow of a doubt HATE him. How that's possible? I don't know. My opinion doesn't really matter in this because they have made up their minds. Yea I may still love him but I know him. I hope they can at least come to accept him as part of her life. If he proves them right then I won't say anything but knowing my friends, they won't go down quietly if he proves them wrong.

I'm not sure why but I guess things have only just begun and I pray that
Aiko and I are not caught up in the feud that may follow. Last thing I want to do is be caught in the middle. I really don't.

Been also talking to an old friend (well he ain't an old friend, just a good friend I haven't spoken to in a while). He really seems excited bout me having this baby. He admits that he wishes it was his but he's happy he at least gets to be part of her life somehow. It's weird to hear that someone could still have a thing for you even after so long. Not sure how to take it. For now I'm done with the whole relationship scene. I'm on leave until further notice. Only thing I want to focus on now is my baby, finishing school and finding a stable job where I'll be HAPPY! That's one thing I've learnt. Nothing really matters if you find no joy in what you do..

The A, B, C's of me

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

8:39 AM

I am Ambitious, Beautiful, Crazy, Dauntless, Empathetic, Funny, Gorgeous, Holistic, Imperfect, Jovial, Knowledgeable, Loving, Meek, Nerdy, O, Passionate, Quirky, Reliable, Sexy, Talented, Urbane, Vivacious, Witty, X, Youthful and Zany

God's Letter to a woman

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

8:42 AM

When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being

When I created man, I formed him and breathed life inot his nostril

But you woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man, because your nostrils are too delicate.

I allowed a deep sleep to come over him

So I could patiently and perfectly fashion you.

Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity

From one bone, I fashioned you.

I chose the bone that protects man's life.

I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do.

Around his bone I shaped you… I modeled you.

I created you perfectly and beautifully.

Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile.

You provide protection for the most delicate organ in a man, his heart.

His heart is the centre of his being; his lungs held the breath of life

The ribcage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart.

Support man as the ribcage supports the body.

You were not taken from his feet, to be under him,

nor were you taken from his head, to be above him.

You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side.

You are perfect angel… you are my beautiful little girl.

You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence and my eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart.

New day..

Saturday, October 08, 2011

20:24

I'm sooooo TIRED! Flip I don't know where I get the strength to do what I do sometimes. It's been a crazy week and it only gets crazier the more into October I get. Aiko's been really quiet today. Haven't felt her move since last night. It was really crazy how much she moved last night. She managed to give me some really bad cramps that I managed to wake up sometime in the middle of the night. Freaked me out majorly and I wasn't sure what to do. I eventually managed to go back to sleep but when I woke up this morning she was pretty quiet… wait.. I can feel her now. I feel her a little bit. There she goes moving again.

I was asked yesterday what it feels like to feel her move inside me but I can't really describe it. It's another feeling all together. It really makes you appreciate the wonders of God in the world around you. All I can describe it as is feeling her pushing out gently. Except of course when she turns and pops her head out. That looks funny because all you see is my tummy and the small round bulge of her head popping out.. That one feels really uncomfortable ESPECIALLY when I'm walking.

Anyway aside from being terminally exhausted right now, I guess I'm succeeding on upgrading my emotional level from ok to alright. I'm somewhere in the middle but I'll reach there sometime. I think all the craziness I've been surrounded by(Palesa, Thandi, Danmore and the like) has helped me forget. I now sometimes go a whole day without thinking bout him. Today being one of them. Love being able to laugh. That's the best therapy.

If a woman has a wall up it's because it was built; brick by brick- lie by lie-heartbreak after heartbreak. How true is that?! Read that earlier today and it really made me think. Think bout all the walls I've built with everyone. The truth of the matter is all those walls now lay in ruins and not because they were broken down by me. I've come to realise that having my defenses down has left me vulnerable in ways I've never known. This entire situation has somehow enabled me to grow and grow in ways I've never really known. I'm able to finally express me as only I can and not worry bout what people will think or say. I'm the only one that should have an opinion that really matters.

Life is a big enough challenge without having to worry bout what people think or say bout you. If many more people realised that then their lives wouldn't have to be so hard for them… Think bout it..

One week later...

Wednesday, October 05, 2011
16:34

Ok so I don't know whether I should be worried today or not. Firstly I've been getting all these weird pains in my abdomen all day. I mean really sharp pains and I don't know whether I should be hitting speed dial on my phone to my hospital or whether I should just take it easy. It's pretty weird since I don't know WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON IN THERE! Does anyone know? Aiko has been kicking me on and off the whole day and pushing her head out really far in other instances. This isn't usually how she I during the day. I just pray that nothing is wrong.

Secondly, today marks a week and a day that I was put back on the bus to singles-vile and guess what?! I'm ok. No really, I am just OK. I think  may have cried myself out or being pregnant has regulated my happy and sad hormones somehow but I really seem to be ok. Feels like ages ago that our relationship came to an end. Guess I'm so used to being alone that when something like that ends I can easily slip back into just being single again. Oh who am I kidding?! I feel nothing! Absolutely nothing about being ingle because I'm really not. Especially now. I got God with me every day and not to mention those crazy friends of mine who truly believe I'm married to them. Well we are married. Lol.. No homo!

It's funny to think that in the 7 or so years I've known them, we've all been to hell and back and we've done it standing by each others side. Maybe standing behind, just for safety.. I'm just saying.. (Ya'll know who you are who stand behind a ho). Gotta love them to death, life and the ends of the world.

Exchanged a few words with him last night. Was surprised when I saw the message from him but funny enough is that it didn't make my heart sink to the pits of my stomach and explode. That's because I doubt my heart is still there. Nice to know he at least thinks bout Aiko wherever he is. She reacted a bit when I passed on his message to her. The least she deserves is a message from her dad every now and then. What surprised me though was when I put my phone down and began to write, thoughts about him seemed to just disappear. It's as if he never existed and it was just Aiko and I again. I'm not sure whether that is a good thing or not anymore.

 I try talk to her when I can, the rest of the time I'm singing to her. Tammy refuses to acknowledge my singing ability for some reason but I think she(Aiko) likes it. I hope she does because I enjoy doing it. And no Tam, I won't stop. I'll hum sometimes but when a sister gotta belt it out, she will. Tammy has also concluded that Aiko is the mini version of her and the way this child kicks, I would tend to agree to some point.

Weird when one thinks bout it. Been doing some reading n labour stuff today. Pretty deep information. Gotta work on my breathing and relaxation exercises because I seriously could give birth anytime from mid November to January 6th, 2012. It's so close. I really want to hold her now but the best thing I can do is just hold my belly and hope she kicks…

When love is all that's left

Wrote ths peom last year for some reason. It's at times like these that I really really do miss my own mother. I thank God for all my other mothers(Lesa's mom, Tammy's mom and Thandi's mom) and they truly have filled the spot that my own mother seems to have left. I hope Aiko will have the opportunity to at least know her biological grandmother to some extent..

I have known you my whole life,
You were the only one I could relate to in the world of males I lived in.

But you were not like the others.
I always knew you were different.

My childhood came and went. You only remember what you were there to witness.
The rest did not concern you.
I loved you still. You were the only one i had.
I took on your role because you were too busy in your world.

We all still love you but what can we do.
You are not present in our world anymore.
When love is all that's left in me, I will let you go.
But now i cannot.
I miss you mom.
I have my entire life...

Some truth..

Tuesday, October 04, 2011
22:51 PM

Ok let's face it, at some or other point in our lives we will go through some pretty f*&?#d up S.H.I.T(Sugar Honey Ice Tea). We will be brought to a point we never thought we could ever survive. A point where it's so dark and unimaginable that it will rock our very existence. When one reaches that point there is only one thought running through any mind. Nothing. Yes, you read me right. Nothing goes through your mind. Nothing at all because at that very moment you don't think about how you got to that point or what you'll do to get outta the situation. At that very moment nothing will be your greatest thought.

once that door of nothing bursts open, your mind floods with thoughts you never knew you could have. Thoughts you never knew you could have. Once that's been unleashed, you tend to see the world around you with new eyes. Eyes you never even knew you could have.

The truth bout going through something though is this… you go THROUGH it. You don't stop at it. Life is wonderful. The things you have to go through are what either make or break you in this life. It's not bout what you go through but how you manage to deal with it that matters. I'm slowly starting to understand why I believed it so much before all of this.

I'm the author of the book of my life. What others have done and are still bout to do to me, are just minor notes in my book of life. I am ultimately the one that will define what is written in my book. And now with my daughter on the way, I must make sure that I raise her to be as strong as I hope to be. Filled with love and positivity towards the wonders of life...

Aiko and mommy, mommy and Aiko

Monday, October 03, 2011

19:12 PM

Can't believe how strong this baby girl is. And busy too. I swear she's building an empire in my womb or something because when she's busy, she really is BUSY! Love feeling her move though. I worry when she's too quiet for a long.

Right now I have my phone on my belly and here she is kicking. It looks so weird to just see my phone move on it's own because she's kicking me so much right now. I think I've now been kicked over 20 times in the last 5 minutes. Lol… I love the sensation. I noticed something though. She doesn't kick so much when someone is touching my belly. Not too sure why but every time I let someone feel her kick, she just goes quiet. Looks like she's shy like mommy.

Spent some of my weekend looking after Palesa's 4 month old nephew. That was quite something else I must say. I seem to have a way with babies because he really didn't give me much hassle. Seems like Aiko got jealous though because she started kicking a little when he was on my stomach. That was quite a sight and sensation. A pregnant Mel holding a 4 month old baby. Brilliant I tell you.

Today I'm 26 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Got my doctors appointment soon to check up on her. Wanna get a ultrasound done just to see how she's doing in there. I can feel her but I want to see her too. Get a picture for the photo scrapbook I'm going to start for her. Already started a baby book for her. It will go a long way I guess.

Well that's my update for now bout me and my beautiful baby…

Aiko… Love in motion..

The trouble with love

 Monday, October 03, 2011

17:48 PM

I guess the saddest thing bout me still caring is that it's permanent.

Woke up this morning after I had a dream with him in it. Felt like it was happening all over again. I've labeled all dreams I have bout him, no matter what happens in them, as bad dreams because I wake up with this emptiness every time. You know what's the weirdest thing bout how the truth came out? I had a dream that I found out everything a week before I actually did. When I had that dream, it really did freak me out. Seems like I have a lot of these pre-event dreams. I don't understand why they happen but it's almost like I half expect what happens when it does. Yea hey, maybe it's Gods way of showing me what's to come. I hope that's right, don't wanna feel like I'm psychic or something along those weird lines. I'm weird enough as it is I guess.

Well my dreams are not really what I wanted to talk bout. The trouble with love is that once you go through it, especially if it's your first true love, then it's true what they say, you never get over it. No matter how much you try to move forward, you always feel like you somehow taking a step backwards. Wishing and wondering what it could have been like "if" this had happened differently or "if" one of you had said that differently then MAYBE things would be better. But here's the truth. Things happened exactly as they were meant to. I know, I know, things turned out unfair but one cannot dwell on what's happened otherwise we would remain stagnant and not see the next greatest love walk into our life.

It's now become cold conversations between us. I don't know why but it's almost like the father of my child considers me his worst enemy. I find myself thinking sometimes how I just want the 2 of us to be cool again. Yes, I guess we won't ever be together but at least I'll have my friend because that's what he was. A friend before a boyfriend and a boyfriend before a lover. I miss my friend now. The friend I could call up and talk nonsense with, without even having to think bout it. Palesa doesn't trust me to be alone with him(don't think anyone does either), let alone to talk to him. I don't think I do either. I don't think I ever will actually.

I really wish I could cherish the memories we had, but I don't know which were real and which weren't. It's hard when I think bout it. I wish I knew maybe then I could move past it but I'm still sitting with unanswered questions and uncertainty. I can't watch certain movies or listen to certain songs because they all remind me of him. Seeing other couples or families or even a baby with their father have the same effect on me. They all just throw me into a state of depression or deep thought as I start to wonder what it would be like if…. Ag there I go again with this wondering stuff.

I can't keep doing this. Believing I'll be ok then I start wondering bout the what if's. No matter how much I wish for things to be different they don't end up that way. Well for me anyway...

Friends think I'm stupid for still caring bout someone that's hurt me so badly but I can't help it. Wish I could somehow hate him or something but I can't. I won't be able to. I don't have it in me. I won't have it in me. What I have in me is something precious and despite it all I really wouldn't change having her. She's a gift from God, no matter how she managed to come to be.

God is love unconditional and my Aiko is love in motion… That she is and shall remain now and forever..

So there we were...

So there we were laying on her futon(A fancy bed for some other people), moaning  in pain as though we were both pregnant. I look over and she is clutching her bursting belly naming the regret of eating sandwich after chops after croissant after chips after endless liquids.

The regret attached to binge eating is something else. I felt as if I was carrying twins and then some and there Palesa is suggesting more food. I'm still full almost 24 hours later thanx to her. We always do this! Every time her and I have a sleepover, we always manage to laze around and eat as if the world is gonna suddenly stop producing food. Then the next day we both gotta deal with the disaster of hurricane dishes and crumbs.

Can't say it wasn't good though. I needed such a weekend to just do nothing. Not cry, not think, not even worry bout what's next. I swear we ate it all. the entire nutritional pyramid and then some. Lol.. For all those that don't believe that I'm 6 and a half months pregnant, you will now. I somehow gained a stomach from all the eating and I'm sure Aiko enjoyed it too because she kicked me so much.

Good time...

Learnt something though. A new philosophy called "Palesa's 10 minute rule". So according to my best friend, one only needs 10 minutes to feel all the emotions available to them before it's time to move on! She figures that once that 10 minutes is up, well, you just wasting your time(aka MILKING IT!). This all came out after I pointed out how emotionally lacking she can be and gave her the scenario of a car crash. Basically if you end up in a car crash with her and she can't save you in 10 minutes, you can forget it! She saving herself and leaving your ass behind. Hahahahahaha.. The people i know NEH?!

Her explanation is that if there is a horrible accident and you are able to walk away from this horrible accident unscathed, with both limbs and still breathing, it is your God given right to leave the vehicle. If you must scream, do so. If you must cry, do so. If you must pray, do so, but make sure it is all done in 10 minutes because if you stay any longer you will burn along with the carnage. Save all you can but make sure you leave the mess behind and take your new chance at life. I mean what do you want to do, sit and see what happens? Who the hell would sit in a burning vehicle, its just dumb. That's her theory.

Anyone else seeing this logic?

F$%k him!

Talk bout someone to mess with you just when you've managed to be ok throughout the day. Stop trying to talk like you know and understand me anymore. Yes, we're having a baby together but that doesn't give you the platform to tell me what this baby needs and what she doesn't. what I think is important really is. You may not think so but like who gives a f$%&?!

You know what I care and whatnot but please I'm not going to compromise on things because of you. If you don't want to get certain things, it's fine, I'll manage to get them myself. I have people willing to help me out and I have told you that but you won't listen. You hear me but don't really listen.

If you'd rather spend your money on something else then please tell me and I won't stress myself. I get that money is tight for you supporting everyone in your family but seriously, that's not my problem anymore…

Geez.. Don't I sound angry in that? I'm not. I'm frustrated and I will remain so. I bet that if the same list came to him from She-who-I-will-not-name-yet, there wouldn't be this discussion going on.

I got screwed… END!