Mom returns….

Monday, 19 December 2011

14:45 PM

*Sigh* and here we go again with this nonsense and I know I do not under any circumstances have the strength to be dealing with this. Alright so there's been some good news. We found my mom on Saturday afternoon and that's been a relief to everyone here at home but then again now we return to the same bullshit we've gone through with her before she left.

You can say that my excitement at her return, well, doesn't exist at all. My brothers don't seem all that happy bout it either and the fact that she refuses treatment isn't helping anyone either. Had my aunt shouting at me yesterday bout her even. Not cool. Not cool at all. I fear that if my stress levels shoot through the roof then I may end up in the emergency ward…

Yea that was my little update on the matter.. Done.

When I'm gone

Sunday, 11 December 2011

19:30 PM

When I'm gone, you'll know that I've left.

I will announce it but the lack of my presence will be felt by every portion of your being.

My last goodbye will echo in your mind for years to come.

there will be a void where my love and presence used to be.

The silence will be deafening.

I will not come back.

I will not call.

I will not breathe for you.

I speak this to you now so you know.

So you don't live on hope.

Do not miss me because I'm not there.

Miss me because I made an impact in your life.

Do not cry for me because I won't be able to cry for you.

Do not forget me for you will always live in my heart but learn  to live without me.

I'm gone.

My memory will live on through you.

Through the love I had for you.

you will testify to all those that will listen that I was here.

I was with you.

I loved you…

Remember me…

Closing chapters

Saturday, 10 December 2011

17:10 PM

I seriously thought today would be harder than it actually turned out to be. Woke up this morning with my heart pounding out of my chest as if trying to escape and leave me to my own devices for the day. That's literally how scared I was to be doing what I needed to do today.

Went to go return the things of his I had and to collect the cds I had given him. When I arrived there I for real didn't know what to say to him. I guess it was the same on his part because the whole thing was very awkward. Everything about this morning was awkward and I guess I was ok with it. Best thing is I didn't cry. Didn't even have the urge to. I knew this was it basically and the likelihood of us ever seeing each other again was pretty slim. We discussed some stuff about Aiko and other miscellaneous things we had to get out of the way and that was it. When I left I felt a little lighter. I don't know it's almost like that entire visit was the closure I needed from this whole situation and has enabled me to let him go. Once and for all. That's a big step. It's one thing to say I'm letting go but to actually do the action is another and I'm proud of myself for it. I LET A* GO! I guess now that I've hit my rock bottom and I've appreciated my time down here but now it's time to claw myself back up.

I had one of those AHA! Moments when I was in the cab. The end of you fighting for someone you love is the beginning of fighting for your greatest love, yourself. I guess now I have more reason to fight for me and most importantly to fight for my baby girl. She deserves the best and I'll make sure of that come hell, high water or the "end of the world". Mommy will make sure that her baby is happy no matter what life may throw our way. My job is to be strong now. I will live positively and be humble. The Lord has blessed me with so much in my adversity and everyday I will thank him for it.

Great things await me in 2012 and by this time next year, you guys will be reading about the great things I will be doing and will have done. That is my promise to me, Aiko and you. This is not the end of my story. It is just the end of another great/disappointing chapter. There is still so much more left for me. I am not done here. I will not be done here. Life still has so much in store for me…

Let today mark the day when Melissa M. Boguo became a grown woman. Strong in character and in truth.

There's a difference between goodbye and letting go. Goodbye is "I'll see you later when I'm ready to hold your hand and when you're ready to hold mine. Letting go is, "I'll miss your hand. I realise it's not mine to hold and I will never hold it again…"

A mother's promise

Friday, 09 December 2011

18:18 PM

Finally found this track yesterday. Love this song! It's basically my promise to my baby, myself and everyone in my life that has been there for me. Footprints in the Sand by Leona Lewis is a very powerful track and without it playing in my ear for the last 2 days, I wouldn't have been able to realise some important things. Yes, God has blessed me enough to give me a child and if it's the last thing I do, I will always be there for her no matter how rough life gets, how long the road is and even how much of myself I must sacrifice. The beauty of unconditional love...

You walked with me

Footprints in the sand

And helped me understand

Where I’m going

You walked with me

When I was all alone

With so much I no along the way

Then I heard you say

I promise you

I’m always there

When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair

I’ll carry you

When you need a friend

You’ll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life

Flash across the sky

So many times have I

Been so afraid ooh

And just when I

Have thought I’ve lost my way

You give me strength to carry on

That’s when I heard you say

I promise you

I’m always there

When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair

I’ll carry you

When you need a friend

You’ll find my footprints in the sand

When I’m weary

Well I no you’ll be there

And I can feel you

When you say

I promise you

I’m always there

When your heart is full of sadness and despair

I’ll carry you

When you need a friend

You’ll find my footprints in the sand x 2

Anxiety

Thursday, 08 December 2011

18:07 PM

Today was rather hard when I woke up again. I'm really trying to get over the emptiness I feel every morning but it's so hard. So, so hard. But all I can do is try and trying is what I'm not giving up on. I feel like I don't know where Melissa went but I'm looking for her. I will find her because I cannot let myself be defined by what he did to me. I cannot feel like a victim anymore. There is too much good in my life to allow this to finally defeat me. I've been through way too much to remain down. Yes my heart is still filled with sorrow and despair but I will get better.

Too many tears have been shed and slowly with the help of all the people in my life, I'm slowly realising my strength. And it is this strength that my daughter will know. I'm going through my emotions as they come and I feel them completely. i don't let myself try to forget what I'm feeling. If I am to move forward then I owe it to myself to do it.

The big day is getting closer and closer. Today I had a pretty strong Braxton Hicks contraction. Braxton Hicks contractions are the false contractions that a pregnant woman feels indicating that labour is approaching. My body is starting to prepare itself for the upcoming trip to the hospital. The closer the big day gets, the more anxious I feel. I'm not to sure why though. Actually no, I have some idea. Oh well, the wishing helps nothing.

Well this little one growing inside me has become rather feisty lately and I'm not sure whether it's because she's getting excited to finally get out of there or whether she's trying to make more space in there. Either way she's having more fun than me. oooooooohhhhh… there it goes again. Another contraction. Eh will I be prepared when the real ones come?! But I'm excited  either  way and with the overwhelming support I'm receiving right now, I know I'm going to enjoy the experience

When love becomes poison

Tuesday, 06 December 2011

17:35 PM

*Sigh*… if I thought this weekend was bad because of A* then I was mistaken. Last night was even worse and I'm not talking about on a normal level but on a level like I have never experienced and which I never want to experience ever again.

Have you ever meant so little to someone that at the end of it all you feel so used and brutalised that you don't know where you're going anymore or who you even are because of it?! I opened my heart to someone who has made me feel exactly like that. Lower than the ground I walk on. I didn't go looking for any of this last night but I guess it came looking for me. I was fine. Or at least I was on the road there until she contacted me. I didn't want to talk to her so I ignored her message but she kept on insisting until finally she said the thing that pissed me off and not only at her but at him too.

I quote.. " well in that case I'm gonna talk! Mellisa( Chick has the nik naks to spell my name wrong even) I truly don't understand what you are trying to do! I've asked you if you want Aubrey back. And you never gave me a straight answer! What do you want him to do?! Isn't it enough that he's part of Aiko's life?! Do you want him to leave me to come to you?!he's not your boyfriend! I don't understand why you tend to demand so much! Did he hold a gun and force you to open your legs?! Did you think his cum was cream?! You are as responsible as he is for this baby! Look I know it's tough but hey such is life!! It's really annoying when I try to build something with my boyfriend and you just come along and rip it apart! Just say what you want!"

Ok wow.. Still to this moment I'm shocked at the gall of this chick. To send someone that as if you know what's really going on?! Worst part of this whole thing is I asked him exactly what the hell was going on because I didn't get it! Know what he does? He want to start a group chat about it! But it was beautiful how this all went down. Really it was because not only did he not defend her calling me "desperate and out to get her", he fucken also added to it to eventually make me out to be well, "the bitter baby mama". That's just great right?! But it didn't end there. He flat out denied the shit that had been happening since the break up and he got back in contact with me. I never asked him to call me. I never asked him to "miss Aiko and I", I never asked him to "still love" me or even "want to have a normal relationship" with me. I never asked him to tell me that "one day our daughter would have his surname and so would I". I never asked him to kiss me out of the blue because he "missed me a lot". I never asked him to "want to spend time with" me because it wasn't "the same not having me around anymore". I never asked him to proclaim my pregnancy to his friends or even his best friends mom! I NEVER asked you to say what you did to me! Never ever did I do such. I never asked you to kidnap me in the middle of the night and NEVER did I ask you to tell me it would "work out eventually for us"!

It's true what they say that love can make you stupid and truly I was taken for a ride. The most painful ride of my life in fact all because it was convenient and a game to Aubrey! I should've never believed you but then again, I should've never started to trust you again after the breakup! That was rather stupid of me.

Last night was the last knock for me. I decided that I no longer want him to be apart of our lives anymore. I truly still did believe in him even after it all but last night that disappeared too. I no longer believe in him. I no longer trust him and soon I will no longer love him either. When that happens to anyone in my life, they die in my eyes. I was willing to at least let him have a relationship with Aiko but I can no longer do that. She is no longer our baby but my baby. His sperm may have been involved in creating her but that will be where it ends. I cannot for any reason subject her to this messed up dynamic. It's not healthy for her, it's not healthy for me and it's not healthy for to build any sort of life from it. I was pretty angry at them both last night. So angry in fact that I didn't care whether what I said hurt him or not. I just don't. I see now that everything I had given him was wasted on him. EVERYTHING was wasted. I wasted my time, I wasted my life, I wasted my love and I wasted even bothering to care. But that's why people love me right?! I can do that with anyone and not expect anything back. I don't know why I suddenly did in this situation. Why I expected more from someone who couldn't have cared less to at least respect me enough not to lie to me is beyond me. I don't regret much in my life but I'm starting to regret this. Regret actually wasting love. But I won't because I'm now blessed with one of the greatest miracles known to man. The gift of a child. My child.

But I've learnt from this because people are in your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. A* was in my life for a reason. I do not know that reason yet but one day I will. One day when I look back upon this moment, I hope I'll be strong enough to appreciate what it did to make me a brighter and better me. I don't wish those two any bad things because that's not how I was raised. I hope my daughter turns out to be nothing like her father in character or personality and if I manage to achieve that raising her, then I would consider it a successful job. I'm not bitter or hurt anymore by this. I'm just numb. Numb to all the words and feelings.

One day when you think about us, I hope it brings tears to your eyes and I mean real tears. I'm not saying this in a hurtful or mean way but one day when you think of your first born out there somewhere in the world, living and growing happily, I hope you realize how the selfish and childish decisions you made resulted in this. You won't know what she looks like, what type of person she is or even if she has your talents. All I can give you is her birth date. Every year that passes and every time that date comes, you'll know that your daughter has grown but you won't know by how much. I will not bother you with requests for money or anything of the sort because as you've proven so far, you're not interested in helping out that way which is fine by me. By the grace of God, I will manage and I will make a success of my life for my sake and hers.

God works in mysterious ways. I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes of this disaster and fulfill my destiny of greatness because that is what God has predestined for my life. There is no need for me to be bitter or sad about this anymore because my Father in heaven will have vengeance on my part. I feel better now…

Thank God for Tammy, Palesa, Thandi and Busi. Friends that know the true meaning of unconditional love because they're still standing by my side and are willing to do everything in their power to make sure I get where I need to be. It's our child and Aiko Gabriella Matsoso-Jacobs-Tshabalala-Boguo is the luckiest girl in the world to get to opportunity to be raised by these beautiful souls...

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

Betrayed

Sunday, 04 December 2011

16:17 PM

I found this poem in one of my books recently and it amazed me how when I wrote if a few years ago how true it would ring in my life currently…

Betrayed

One moment that caused my heart to tear

The pyramid of lies finally revealed and shattered into pieces

My life had finally reached a climax that I did not want

Those eyes felt like a double edged sword being plunged into my chest

That moment felt so unreal as

I stood there as if in a dream

The moment was nothing as they always gossiped about,

It was worse

The world was spinning out of control

The air was sucked from my lungs

The tears stung my fragile eyes

That was the moment I had been… betrayed.

By Melissa M. Boguo

Funny how it's all so true...

As we grow up...

Sunday, 04 December 2011

15:51 PM

As we grow up, we learn that the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You will have your heart broken. You will fight with your best friend. You will blame your new lover for the things the old one did. You will cry because time is passing so fast and you will eventually find someone to love. So take 2 pictures, laugh too much and love. Love like you have never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend upset is 1 minute of happiness you will never get back. Find a partner who will call you beautiful instead of hot. Who calls you back when you hang up. Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep! Wait for the person who kisses you on the forehead, who wants to hold your hand in front of everyone. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how lucky they are to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "This is the one"

I thought I had found that but life never goes as one expects…

LIVE, LOVE, LEARN

Hurt

Sunday, 04 December 2011

15:19

The last 24 hours have turned out to be one of the hardest I've had to deal with in a few weeks. After my disappointment yesterday morning, I spoke to him last night. I don't think he really understood why I reacted the way I did until I showed it to him. I think he finally gets it. Gets how much of a mess I really am because of him.

I cried myself to sleep last night and even when I woke up 2 hours after finally falling asleep, I was still crying. This past week marked 2 very important dates that have changed my life. Monday marked exactly a year, to the day, since I lost my virginity and Tuesday would've been our anniversary. I use would've lightly. Now it marks the day that my heart was shattered into a million pieces 2 months ago. That's what the 29th now means. Sad right?! And now December will mark two things also. The birth of my beautiful daughter and a year since I officially fell in love with him. Truly sad how this all unfolded for me.

Worst of all is that I didn't choose the path I'm currently on. He chose it for me when he made that split second decision over a year ago that has reaped consequences now. I feel like I lost my power to that because I had no say in how things have finally turned out. Last night though, I feel like I somehow regained some of that power back. I will probably always love him and deep down inside a flame will always burn for him but I won't have hope about us anymore. Love is one thing but having hope is another and love and hope combined allow for a great expectation that once not filled, leave you with a series of disappointments that you half expected but didn't allow yourself  to expect would happen.

I'm letting him go. Everything he's said to me since we met till this point I cannot erase even if I tried. Those words will forever be burned into the hallways of my memory forever. One thing I know about love is that it's not meant to make you miserable and the day it does, you have to let go completely.

A*, you will never let her go for me. That's the truth and you know it too. At the end of the day I'm a casualty of war in your life and now I have to put a name to who I am in your life too. I am your ex and the mother of your first born. That is what I will be until the day he sun stops shining and the earth stops spinning. Someday I hope our daughter never has to go through the pain I'm experiencing with you ever in her precious life. It is my job to make it so. And if she does, I hope she will find strength from my journey to rise from the ashes of the pain. Like the hook of our song go… Love is my problem and nothing will solve it( Trae the Truth ft Dream- Love vs. Money). It's true. Nothing will solve that problem for me, not now or ever. I know you wanna try and be there for us but even I know that you won't be. Something will come up to prevent it and I doubt you'd suddenly become superman. One family must be sacrificed for the happiness of the other and I can already feel that Aiko and I are the sacrificial lambs when those moments arise. So far I've managed to do this on my own without you around and for a good part of my life, I will be doing it alone. That is just how the cookie has seemed to crumble.

My friends, god bless their souls, are trying their utmost best to be there for me when it's possible but let's face it… they also have lives to live. Same goes for my family. No matter how much people wanna be there for me, I know they won't be there 100% of the time so I'm travelling this road on my own. Life has a funny way of making you realize these things when you least expect it and when you do, it's harder than you thought it would be.

I guess someone has done a lot of growing up this year...

The secret to a happy life is not getting what you want but wanting what you've got...

Saturday blues

Saturday, 03 December 2011

22:27 PM

What a day I seemed to have. If I wasn't being blown off then I was walking and if I wasn't doing that I was fighting back tears. Yes, I admit it! I nearly cried and not because I couldn't help it. Alright so let me start from the beginning. I haven't been able to sleep now in 2 nights and not because I wasn't tired. I would get into bed and I jus couldn't find my comfort zone. To make matters worse, I've been having troubles breathing and I don't understand why. I mean Aiko has dropped lower down preparing to make her great escape into the world so I shouldn't be having problems right?! WRONG! I haven't been able to catch my breath in the last two days and it's starting to worry the hell outta me. truly it is. If the stress of giving birth wasn't enough. It's as if my body has finally given into the peer pressure from my heart and is also starting to fail me. last thing I want right now is to be admitted to hospital pre-labour for something other than pushing this beast outta me…

Ok so I woke to a message from A* telling me that something had come up and he wouldn't be able to come with me today to go baby shopping. I, naturally, was upset by it but in the back of my mind I sort of expected it. It's like after so long I've become used to getting disappointed by him. I even expect it when he doesn't disappoint me. sad right?! I mean the one person I should have a little bit of faith in, I expect the worst first before the good. See how messed up I am now?! Usually I expect the best even if the worst may come my way. Well after my mind also failed me and I said things to him that  didn't want to today, I decided to go do it alone. I mean that's how I've been doing it for months now and not by choice. The worst thing about doing it all alone is that I'm bombarded with these couples and pregnant women who look absolutely happy about where they are and whatnot and I can't help thing how badly I want that. How badly I just wanna enjoy this pregnancy with this irreplaceable smile on my face that I'M GOING TO BE A MOTHER! But every time I'm thrown back into the harsh reality that is my life right now. *Sigh* when it all falls down (Kanye couldn't have said it better).

Today also marked day 23 of my moms disappearance. The saddest thing is that the longer she's gone the more I realise how I won't be able to learn motherly things from her because she's not around to help me when Aiko finally arrives. Slowly I feel like every one is making choices about my life that I have no say in. I'm tired and every time someone asks about it, it kills me because I HAVE NO NEWS to give them. It's just crazy how one minute 2011 was the best year of my life and in the blink of an eye, it's turned out to be my worst ever.

But not all is lost. She's on her way and I can't wait to hold her in my arms. Maybe she'll be the answer I've been waiting for...

Miracles

Monday, 28 November 2011

11:25 AM

I don't know how to describe it but this entire pregnancy is a miracle. I really am enjoying every minute, second and hour of it including all the pains and cramps. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't wanna have this experience at all or why some would even give up their babies after going through it. Every time Aiko kicks or pops a limb out, I can't help but just hold my stomach and smile. Like genuinely just smile. My little miracle baby is growing and becoming more aware of me each and every second she's in there. If she doesn't agree with something or takes her dads side, she makes me aware of it(sometimes she just goes too far lol…). Over the last few days, she's become even more active. Even refusing to let me sleep some days. I don't think she's kicking me anymore. Nope… now she assaults me! She's lucky there's no law enforcement agency that deals with such cases otherwise I would sue her for all she's worth lol… jokes!

Took a video the other day of her kicking and it's absolutely amazing to watch. Really it is. Showed it to Tammy and Nasya the other day and they were amazed to see it. Soon she'll be out and about and I won't be the only one getting assaulted… hehehehe..

Baby shower!

It's two days later and I'm still high off that baby shower. No what I mean to say is I'm still recovering from it lol.. It was absolutely awesome! Well it wasn't anything fancy or whatnot but I loved it. My girls really did well planning it EVEN if the people I invited didn't pitch up and that's basically all of them. Well I won't throw all of them under the bus, some of them did send me apologies that they couldn't attend beforehand and others after but still, what bout the rest of them?! Not even a word. Oh well… I'm over it. Now back to the shower.

It was awesome! I ended up laughing so hard that at one point I thought my water was gonna break or something. My vocal chords and throat are still paying for it today. And contrary to popular belief, I WASN'T CAKED! That's the best part of it all. Plus the other great thing is that for once, we had everything that was necessary for the braai, including the braai utensils( for once in our lives). Thandi even stayed up the previous night just to make a sign for the baby shower(I've put that one up in my room) and Tammy with her decorations?! Brought tears to my eyes( well metaphorically. There was no way I was gonna cry that day!). The set up was pretty cool. I lie.. The set up was awesome! So here's what went down.

We all eventually arrived at our spot( Yes, we officially have a spot at Zoolake now. No one dares to camp themselves there) and started setting up. Lol… we all suck at starting a braai fire, even my brother Jean sucks at it. All he managed to do was burn paper and a McD's fry. Yep, the boy chucked a fry into the braai as an "experiment". He's special, ain't he?! Well since that was a fail of epic proportions, Palesa and I decided to approach these two guys who were having a braai a little further from us to ask them to start our braai. They were kind enough to help us out and well that began the start of a very beautiful.. Uhm… braai-ship lol. Those guys were crazy. Seriously, they almost put us to shame.

Well the day went off without a hitch and I managed to laugh myself into a state. Know why?! Because of BUGS! Yea, I said it! Bugs! Every 5 minutes or so someone would scream bug and point at someone(yes, there really was a bug there) and we would all go screaming in different directions to escape this person. None of us tried to help each other at all. It was every man for themselves when it came to that. Lol… it was the most hilarious thing on the planet! Like have you  ever seen 5 girls just outta nowhere start screaming and running while one was jumping up and down screaming "get it off, get it off!". Lol.. I couldn't help it, I just had to laugh. Funny thing about it all is that before we all met Palesa, none of us were scared of bugs but I guess after so many years we've managed to pick up her phobia and now we're ALL terrified of the tiny creatures. Lol… the joys of friendship! I even got injured! Palesa threw her phone at me because of a bug. Lol… painful I must admit! No shame even after she hurt me. Lol.. She was even prepared to sacrifice Aiko and I to some ducks! Tjo.. With the friends I have, I don't need enemies. They do that too. Gotta love these girls!

Received some pretty cool presents too from everyone. Too cute I might add. I really do appreciate the effort everyone put into making my day special. It really was awesome even with just 6 people and 3 strangers there… all smiles! THANK YOU TAMMY, THANDI, PALESA, NASYA, JEAN, PAUL, DEXTER, TERRY AND THAMI(the last 3 are the random dudes we met there), you guys really made my shower/braai something worth remembering!

Epic day.. The sequel

Thursday, 24 November 2011

15:21 PM

Among other things, today will go down as an epic day in the history of this pregnancy lol… know why?! Because it seems every ,moment of today I was laughing because well people were just being really ridiculous or over dramatic.

So I started off the day with Busi being heartbroken(nothing funny about this but she's too cute so I had to laugh). She was heartbroken over the fact that I had finally found a birthing partner and it wasn't her. Sad I know but hey, me I take people seriously when they say no. even if they joking! Which apparently she was(could have fooled me… lol… I LOVE YOU BUSI). Anyway so when she managed to get over that she carried on revising for her exam. Zulu might I add. Zulu literature to be specific. So being the random person that I am I just started reading one of the questions off the page. Geez that took it out of me. No like really, my brain was fried! Ha-ha but Busi seems to think I did well. Yay! Too bad it's more Sotho I have to learn… gosh.

Anyhu so I was sitting in Danmore's office waiting for Busi because she was accompanying me to the doctor to get a scan of this lil giant done and I started having these horrible, HORRIBLE cramps. Damn.. Haven't felt pain at that magnitude ever. Not even my worst period pains matched up to that. Anyway so the I was writhing in pain with D's laptop on my lap when Mvelo, Dineo and Melisa(not me) walk in and see me in pain. Lol… they immediately all panic! One tell the other to go fetch Danmore. I insisted I would be fine but it was too late. They had all already gone out in search of the man. Well the pain slowly subsided when everyone finally got back to the office. Danmore though barged in claiming my water had broke. You can just imagine my shock hearing that of course because I was the only one unaware of this fact( let's not forget that I'm the pregnant one). I couldn't help myself. I just burst out laughing when he told me why he thought that. The girls had found him in  the staff room making coffee and had told him that he needs to rush back to the office because something was wrong with me. Everyone assumed that of course my water had broken and I was in labour! Really?! Yes, REALLY! Next thing I know aunty Precious also walks into the room thinking I was in labour. Everyone was shocked to see me sitting there. Back at work on the laptop as if nothing had happened but that was hilarious. The drama from a false alarm was crazy. Imagine when my water actually does break?!

So Busi finally did arrive a short while later and was also in stitches when I told her the story. Before we left though, Danmore showed me a video he had found of Palesa that she had taken a long time ago. We nearly posted it up on YouTube(just for laughs). We didn't though. I didn't want to die. Told her bout it. She, of course, freaked out. Who would blame her though?! She thought that video was gone forever. Apparently not… that'll teach you to make such video's!

Alright so Busi and I left all that drama to have more shocking news thrust upon us. I'm talking seriously life altering stuff. So there we were in the consultation room with the nurse and the ultrasound machine. She squeezes gel onto my belly and puts that thingy device on it… the most beautiful sight showed up on the screen. Little baby Aiko (^^,). She is so beautiful! Wow. Well aside from the sad news that I wouldn't be able to get a picture of her because the printer wasn't working I was left in awe. She has such a big head though( I so blame her dad for that one. I had no part in that lol..). Alright but that wasn't shocking. What was shocking was what the nurse said when we were looking for her body parts etc. according to the scan measurements, I look to be about 35/36 weeks pregnant! That's 9 months! Lol… no way that's possible though but I wouldn't really know. It's either that or Aiko is a giant baby. Yoh the pain of pushing that out… Eh but I ended up laughing when we left the clinic though. What else could I do?! That threw me off balance. Sooooooo folks, that means expect to hear the good news anytime now. Aiko's dad believes my whole pregnancy hit fast forward when I told him about it. Can you imagine though?! I've officially concluded that I get the most shocking news when Busi is around. I mean she was there when I found out I was pregnant and now this? Lol.. Nah, Tis Busi shockingnewsiuos syndrome! (leave my word alone, I'm allowed to self diagnose). Ha-ha that was crazy though and we ended up laughing about it all the way back to town..

Epic day indeed.. Wonder what will happen this weekend… BABY SHOWER!!!!!!!

Mommy's lil joy

Thursday, November 24, 2011

09:02

Can't believe it's Thursday already… where is all this time going to?! It's a if time has somewhere important to be and we're just setting it back with our daily lives. Well ain't that just great. Not even time has the time for us lol…

Well it is another beautifully blessed morning and here I am… drinking a hot cup of tea and thinking bout my appointment this afternoon. Going to finally get a scan of this lil monster(I mean that in a good way) inside me. This should be fun! Well for me anyway.. Have I mentioned how active she's become lately?! The child doesn't kick anymore… nooooo.. Now she assaults me. Sometimes I have to say "woah there" or "ouch" the way she kicks so hard. Eh I swear either I'm right and she's planning her empire in there or she's somehow telepathically communicating with her father and they've cooked up some plot to make me suffer a lil… actually I wouldn't doubt either theory.

*Sigh* Speaking of her dad. It's been strange, even if I do say so myself. I mean really strange for me especially. I don't know what to say to people anymore when they ask me about him and his involvement. I won't lie, I've basically been doing it on my own and the most I've received from him to date is a lot of support(I use that lightly). What do you tell someone when they ask about the baby's father and frankly you're tired of telling them the whole sordid story because well, you're trying to move on from it?!? It's crazy when I think about it. I try not to talk about him too much or at all even but when someone asks, I have to say something and you know what my answer is everytime?! "Oh no, he's fine. He's very involved actually. We're working it out". Dumb ain't it?! But what can I say. That's now my automated response. I feel like a broken record sometimes but it's all I can muster to say nowadays. It's tiring to keep explaining what really happened and sometimes I just wish people would read the blog.. Well that's being ambitious in a sense.. Ag gotta come up with another automated response because it feels like I'm lying more to myself than I am to them. Sad really.

I'm starting to get so freaked out now with this whole single mother business. I know I'm not the first woman to have to raise a child on my own and I won' be the last but it still freaks me out of my wits( not Wits guys… Gosh lol).. Wish me luck. No actually don't. just keep me in your prayers for the next, let's say.. Uhm, lifetime! this should be fun…. I hope… (-_-)

This is what Aiko and I look like at 33 weeks and 4 days

Rain fall down..

22 November 2011

15:39 PM

I've been thinking about this since last night and it took me a while to fall asleep because of it. Ever feel like loving someone has become a sin?! I mean like you know you should be over it or something by now but you just can't? it's as if your heart has a mind of it's own. You can't tell it what to do anymore and eventually your mind disregards what you feel. Yep… that feeling get's filed under "We will never". I don't why it still gets to me like this but it does. Well at this moment it has and I truly hate it. Like I really do. I'm tired of explaining how I feel to him because I doubt he understands or even cares anymore(what I think anyway). I know I should stay away from feeling anything but it's like just when I've run far enough, a powerful magnet just yanks me back from where I am to where I used to be.

Everyday is different and after that major set back of mine a 2 weeks ago. I got better. No actually, I got busy and forgot about it, him, and the entire screwed up situation. For once my mind was just focused on what I had to do there and then. I won't lie, there were times I caught myself thinking about him and I didn't understand why… flip I'm starting to sound like a broken record now, don't you think?! Ag every week I go through this and every week I feel the same and every week I feel like cutting my heart out my chest and finding a brand new one that doesn't have such an emotional memory and every week I fucken start again! It hurts then it doesn't then I'm neutral the whole vicious cycle starts again…

Well it's raining now… I just love the smell and sound of rain but the sad thing bout rain is now I have a memory of him attached to it. Rain isn't just rain anymore, it's something else that I can't explain. I used to believe that it rained because heaven was crying when you were sad and I lost that. But I do believe it again. Rain is heavens way of telling you that your pain is not yours alone. It's theirs too. Angels feel your pain just as much as you do. *Sigh*  here I go again with this crap. Ok moving on…

Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it but you can always see the crack in it.

Meli updated

22 November 2011

11:03 AM

I know I haven't written in a while and honestly aside from being crazy busy over the past week, I have no other excuse as to why I haven't. well a lot has happened since my last post and I really have no idea how I'm managing to stay so clm about it at the moment, soo let's begin shall we?!

Alright so today marks the 12th day since my mom went missing and there literally is no sign of her anywhere. Not even a trace. It's been rather different at home since she completely vanished and I'm not sure what to make of it really. Yes… I am worried about my mother and where on earth she could be and what she could possibly be eating and where she sleeps at night and if she's dressed properly etc. I feel like a mother who's child has run away. It's as if she's completely disappeared off the face of the planet. As if she never really existed in the first place. It really is something else for this to be happening now but I guess one can never control what happens in their lives. You can only learn to adapt to the situation to the best of your ability. I really do hope and pray that someone finds her safe and returns her back to us soon. Pretty movie-like stuff the way this is going down right now.

Ok now on to a bit of lighter news. I had quite an interesting and amazingly blessed week. First I discovered that I've been blessed with one of the most amazing miracles that will go a long way in helping me get everything I need and more for Aiko. I was super shocked when I received the news that I had no idea what to do with myself for a good 24 hours after that. Nothing could have wiped the smile off my face last Tuesday. Nothing at all. Did I mention it's amazing?! Prayer, visualizing and believing that you have something even when you don't, go a long way. I knew I was going to have my breakthrough but I had no idea it would manifest itself in this manner or magnitude. But hey… when God says your breakthrough has arrived, don't doubt it. Even if you don't see it yet, thank Him for it because it is at the time when you least expect it that it shall manifest itself to you( Don't worry guys, I'll elaborate on what I'm talking about soon)

So I went for my 8 month ante-natal checkup last Tuesday and boy was that a visit. No matter how many times I go there, I still will not get used to the needles. They hurt! Ok.. Maybe I overreact when I see a needle, but like who doesn't?! I mean really now?! Who wants or even likes being invaded by a super thin rod and either having it steal your blood or inject something foreign into your body?( If you do, then you are a major weirdo… lol..). I'm glad the ante-natal trips are nearly over though, it's one tough job to give a urine sample when you don't have to pee. Ha-ha… also had a mini argument with my midwife. She reckons I don't eat enough. Aiko is smaller than she should be at this stage(height-wise) plus she's the only one gaining weight and not me. I have no problem with that. It just proves that I do not gain weight, even with my erratic eating habits and a baby growing inside me( Lol… less baby fat to lose :-D).

Geez but for an almost last ante-natal checkup, it was rather nerve wrecking too. Had to do my follow up HIV test. The time leading up to me receiving my results, I was pretty nervous. Even the night before I found it hard to sleep. I don't know why I was but I was. Anyhu my test results came back NEGATIVE! Woooooohoooooo, HIV free baby! Gosh I was so relieved when the counselor told me that. I'm glad my follow up test confirmed the results of the first test. One more thing to thank God for.

All in all it's been a pretty bitter-sweet week. More sweet than bitter though. Was enormously blessed. So today Aiko and I are 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant( That's 8 months, 1 week and 2 days for those who don't know). Pretty exciting that soon she'll be here with me and I get to hold her and kiss her and stare at her for hours at a time(be a valid stalker, you know). She's been pretty active as of late in my womb. It's as if she also senses that her time to meet me is also getting close and she's excited about it. Oh well… for now her and I are one and just like her parents, Aiko doesn't know what the meaning of slowing down is. We busy people…. (^^,)

Untitled

11 November 2011

18:01 PM

You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have left..

I guess it's been one of those mornings again. You know the ones where you didn't really sleep the night before and you got tears in your eyes? Well I guess some don't know but yea, it was one of those mornings for me. woke up with a heavy heart and this heart really hasn't been around for a while.

I guess some wounds don't really heal as we expect or even want them to and there we are left out in the cold(well forget bout this heat) with nothing to our names but hurt, pain and tears. Quite funny when I think about it. I've never been this emotional ever in my life, like never ever! And now if feels like I really am grabbing at straws trying to find this strength inside myself that will enable me to be ok. Just ok. Not like I'm asking for world peace or anything you know(we all know that's being ambitious and delusional in this day and age).

Had a thousand and one thought running through my head and none of them were cohesive or even made any sense but I thought them nonetheless. And with every passing thought, I managed to feel worse and felt like I was going to explode. Completely just disintegrate. It's like the real me is watching the current me and all she wants to do is give the current me a big hug and tell her everything will be ok but current me can't hear her because real me is just a ghost she can't see right now. Lovely ain't it?!

But like really what would anyone do in my shoes?! Honestly think bout it. Well th good that came out of today was that I managed to finish a book today(my first completed novel in over a yea, yay!) plus I finally have a birthing partner(double yay!). At least i'm guaranteed to have someone there with me in the delivery room when the time comes. That will be one hell of an experience, just gotta get this Kegels and breathing thing on point.

Well I feel stupid for feeling like I do today but I just gotta feel the feeling in it's entirety before I can face a new day tomorrow. The feelings of today should be kept away from the promises of tomorrow. quote me on that. Tomorrow I start again. Haha I feel like an alcoholic that says that after slipping up and having a drink.. Oh well.. That's my update for today.

Countdown..

10 November 2011

19:39 PM

There is 4 weeks and 3 days left until we welcome Aiko into the world and the closer it gets the more emotions I seem to be overwhelmed with. Mainly right now, I'm overwhelmed with both fear and excitement. Fear at what that day holds but excitement that I will finally be able to meet her.

The last few days have been rather eye opening too. My feet have been really sore and it's killing me. no one here at home is willing to help me with it and that gets me down. I've been watching my feet carefully though because if they swell up I have to rush myself over to the hospital to get it checked out. It's one of the things I was told to watch out for and immediately get to a hospital if it happens.. It's a bit worrying though because my feet feel so sore. Wish I could get a massage but yea, I'm being ambitious with that.

Looks like I'm going to be alone in the delivery room though. I guess I have no choice but to be fine with it. Gotta get used to the idea now anyway…

7 months, 3 weeks and 4 days pregnant today… (^^,)

When it all falls down..

10 November 2011

19:04 PM

I started my day off on a good note today but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Not at all because this morning I was contacted by the other girl involved in my situation about an email I sent to Aiko's dad last night. That email really wasn't meant for her to read but she took the liberty to read it anyway and somehow at the end of that conversation, I felt like I was truly the worst person in the world. The way she said certain things to me was enough to throw me back to how I felt over a month ago. How I would cry myself to sleep and much like garbage I felt. That truly was the most difficult time of my life this year, if not ever and I never thought I would ever go back there because I managed to just forget and put it all behind me.

I emailed Aiko's father after that because I just felt left so bare and vulnerable again. He didn't know of course that she had gone through his phone and all he could do was apologise to me about it. He contacted me earlier this afternoon again about it and there I was again with tears welling up in my eyes as we discussed what had happened earlier and he really doesn't get it. I don't think I expected him to either. I didn't think I could feel so much but I still do and I don't think I want to anymore. I just want to be able to switch off when need be so I don’t have to feel the pain. So that I don't have to always feels so alone when it comes to this pregnancy because in less than 5 weeks I'm having this baby, I don't need to be feeling like this again. Sometimes I wish I didn't have so much hope and optimism about things in my life because at the end of the day it doesn't help me if I end up fighting and risking everything for people who won't even risk to fight for me.

I believe I'm worth more than this but some days that's harder to believe than others. Some days I wake up wishing he was there. I don't understand why I do but I do. I don't know why on other days I wake up and doubt my own existence until I finally see myself standing in the mirror. Other days I wake up just fine, with those thoughts not even anywhere near my mind but today forced me to face more realities about this entire thing. I am truly grasping at straws her. I know I am.

I don't trust many people anymore. Words now mean very little to me. I guess what will really speak to me are actions. I'm tired of hearing promises and words that in my heart, I know may never be real but I listen nonetheless. I'm tired of hearing the word sorry from everyone especially him because now that word holds no more power for me. we can all apologise until we turn blue and mean what we say but if the person you are apologising to doesn't believe it anymore then those words become meaningless. They are just letters of the alphabet that put together to mean something. But don't anymore. I'm tired of seeing the looks in some people's eyes where I know they may not be saying it but they are filled with pity for me. I don't want people's pity. I'm tired of being so scared at the idea of becoming a mother. A single mother at that. I'm tired of feeling so alone on most days because everyone is busy with their own lives and I feel guilty bothering them all the time. I'm tired of not feeling good enough on somee days because of something someone says. I'm tired of being me sometimes because I don't feel good enough to be. I'm tired of people feeling they need to lie to me to protect to me. I'm just tired amd I don't know when I won't be.

All I've ever asked from anyone is for honesty. Never tell me what I want to hear because in the end it does more harm than good. I don't want to give up at this stage. I really don't but I just feel so defeated by everything. I need to keep some sort of hope alive so that I don't slip into depression...

Guardian angel

10 November 2011

18:37 PM

Met an amazing woman today and I truly think she was God sent. God truly sent that woman to talk to me at that very moment on this very moment. Her name is Albertina and what she said to me, I really did need to hear. What brought her to me was the fact that I was reading at the time she noticed me. didn't think I would have so much in common with a stranger but I did. She is exactly 20 years my senior but it's like her and I were carved from the same stone. Her love for the written word was truly amazing and it inspired me. if her niece hadn't come, we really would have ended up talking for hours.

There were things she said to me that just gave me hope and after the morning I had she did give me a lot of hope. There are twp thing she said to me that stood out though. The first thing she told me was that when you find love, no matter what may stand in your way, hold on to it. Life is too short to have regrets about love and you'll only find it once in your life. It's almost as if she knew everything that was going on in my life at that moment. Her words just had this resounding effect in my mind, heart and soul. We talked more after she said that and she ended up telling me that I should publish a book. She doesn't know me but she told me that I should. Isn't that a it weird?! A total stranger believes that I can make a success of publishing a book. It has been on my mind a lot lately and I guess I should do it. I mean if a complete stranger can believe in me enough to encourage me to then really nothing should be holding me back from doing it.

The second thing she told me was that I should learn not to have any fear. It's a philosophy she's raising her two kids with. Don't have fear. Fear just hinders you from living your life without having regrets. Being fearless empowers you to take life by the horns and break them if you have to just to get where you want to be in life. Self-love, self-belief and fearlessness are what your life should be about.

At one point during our conversation I really did wish she was my mother or someone related to me because she has this energy and life philosophy that is truly addictive. I may only have met her for a brief moment but she's made the greatest impact in my life to date. I hope I can instil Aiko with the principles and values she managed to instil in me in that rather short 30 minute conversation I had with her.

I truly believe she was my guardian angel that had come to pass on a message tome and I truly appreciate that moment with her.

Just a girl...

08 November 2011

18:36 PM

I was just a girl..that stood in front of a guy and asked him to love her.. Now?! Now I'm a woman who was loved by the man and now she is asking God to give her the strength raise her child to love with the fire of a thousand suns and more.

This is dedicated to every girl that made herself bare to a guy and asked for nothing more than a lil bit of love back and for every guy that ever loved a girl and asked for nothing more than a lil love back. In life we only give our heart away once to that great love. One may give pieces of your heart away to others but you only give the real thing away once and once it's been given away, there's no getting it back.

The thing about love is that no matter how much you try to hide your feelings, they always manage to come out. The beauty about love is that it can and will never return to you void. I'm talking about true love here. The love you share with your family and close friends and that special person you can't seem to imagine life without when you actually do meet them. Love is that thing that makes you cry for no reason. It's that thing that can make you permanently happy and keep a standard of smile on your face that no one will ever see. Love makes a girl glow as if she's made of rays of pure sunlight and makes a guy climb the tallest mountain just to shout to the world that he is crazy about her. It knows no superficial looks. It gives one more of a reason to live and sometimes makes a person lose their will when it is taken away. Love ends wars and allows hearts to heal. Love conquers all and does not fear when obstacles look to be bigger than it is at that moment. Love conquers mountains, hills, valleys, planets and entire solar systems. Love knows no bounds and where those exist, it manages to remove their limits.

We all search for that kind of feeling and when we find it, we hold on to it as if our lives depend on it. And our lives do depend on it. Our first and greatest love should be with our heavenly Father. That's one love that can never fail you because God is love.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your soul and all these things shall be added unto you"

I think I've reached a stage in my life where I feel that I've grown and matured to a stage I didn't really think was possible in such a short space of time. I'm 1 month away from welcoming my greatest love. It's amazing to think that at one stage last year when I was having a conversation with Aiko's dad about how he wanted a child, I really didn't imagine that we would be here almost a year later close to bringing one into the world. I'm grateful for my experiences over the past year ad some months because well I learnt to love without an fear and despite being so hurt, I managed to hold on to love. Unconditional love.

Exciting new experiences await me in a few weeks...

INSTANTS by Jorge Luis Borges

I still manage to love this poem with all that is in me. What if you could live again?! What would you do differently?

If I could live again my life,In the next - I'll try,- to make more mistakes,I won't try to be so perfect,I'll be more relaxed,I'll be more full - than I am now,In fact, I'll take fewer things seriously,I'll be less hygenic,I'll take more risks,I'll take more trips,I'll watch more sunsets,I'll climb more mountains,I'll swim more rivers,I'll go to more places - I've never been,I'll eat more ice creams and less (lime) beans,I'll have more real problems - and less imaginaryones,I was one of those people who liveprudent and prolific lives -each minute of his life,Offcourse that I had moments of joy - but,if I could go back I'll try to have only good moments,

If you don't know - thats what life is made of,Don't lose the now!

I was one of those who never goes anywherewithout a thermometer,without a hot-water bottle,and without an umberella and without a parachute,

If I could live again - I will travel light,If I could live again - I'll try to work bare feetat the beginning of spring tillthe end of autumn,I'll ride more carts,I'll watch more sunrises and play with more children,If I have the life to live - but now I am 85,- and I know that I am dying ...

Small things, big fears

Monday, October 31, 2011
22:52

Yesterday(Sunday, 30 October) marked me being 7 and a half months pregnant. It's crazy when I think about it. Soon there'll be a lil version of me running around keeping me busy for hours at a time. I was actually thinking about it today and it really freaked me out. I mean this is really happening to me, like really really.

I'm going to be a mother and I praying against all hope that I don't screw this up somehow. I really hope I don't. I'm now tasked of raising another human being into a responsible, caring, loving human being who will be a blessing to all those around her. I pray that I can do a good job with that, like really I do.

It's been a crazy, emotional week for me with the whole coming to terms thing with her dad and I'm not sure if we may figure things out or not. I wish I could say for sure what's going on there but it seems the closer it gets to me bringing her into this world, the more unprepared I feel. I wish I had my mom to give me advice and support right now but I don't and that's the messed up thing. I could ask my other mothers for help and advice but it really doesn't feel the same. It pains me to think that Aiko may not really get the chance to know her maternal grandmother as she grows up if things don't come right here.

I feel a bit lost too with this whole thing because I'm not really sure who I can talk to about my fears of being a mother. I keep thinking sometimes how there's so much I still want to do however I need to find a way right now to do them and raise a baby at the same time. Pretty crazy once I think about it and it scares me to death. I guess I have to make it up as I go along.

Well as the big day looms closer the more active she becomes. Like I swear this child has waaaaay too much energy for her own good. I guess she gets 75% of that from me and the other 10000% from her dad. Either way I can feel that imma have my hands full once she arrives. Still feeling positive about this entire situation though. I mean I have to. What else can I do. Yesterday's church service re-inspired me. Something I really needed and I'm grateful for such things.

I'm in love with this baby. My miracle baby really. Our miracle baby because we really didn't believe she would come to exist. I guess God really does work in mysterious ways and only He knows why He does the things He does in the way He does them...

In living colour

Monday, October 31, 2011
18:09

It's honestly been quite a rollercoaster of a year for me and every time I think I'm heading in one direction, my life will suddenly take a new turn and I'd need to adapt all over again. Well it's done it again!

Ok so I have a confession to make. I started talking to Aiko's dad again about 2 weeks ago. He called me and wanted to talk. I found it a bit surprising seeing as he was the one who wanted to cut contact in the first place but I answered the phone anyway. It was good to talk to him. I missed that I could legally do that. Well yea, we've been talking regularly now and I'm not sure what to feel. I honestly thought I could bury any feelings I had for him but I can't. I tried to but it failed. No matter how deep I buried them, they seem to have dug themselves out and here I am with feelings I'm not sure what to do with.

It’s been quite interesting I must say because half the time I don't know how to act! It's like I'm, well, a blundering fool! Not even sure what I'm saying half the time either. Well the unexpected turn I guess is that he still feels the same way about me as I do about him. Like genuinely. Weirder still is that from the 2 conversations I've had with the other girl involved in this situation, she feels it too( well the part about him still loving me). I've been honestly trying to take this in one day at a time but it doesn't seem to be working too well because I'm still pretty shell shocked. I guess Tammy was right(isn't she always somehow?!)

I have quite a few big decisions to make over the next month and I'm not really sure which way it's gonna go. I've stopped trying to plan things. Some things just never go as I plan anyway so I'm just going with what will feel right in my heart, mind and soul.

A new dawn..

Saturday, October 29, 2011
18:11

Time heals all wounds right?! Yes it does and I guess now I'm speaking from my own stand point. My phone did something this morning I don't remember setting it to do. It reminded me that today would have been my 17 month anniversary with Aiko's dad. Yep it would have been had we still been in a relationship. Something about that struck me as odd for some reason but I dismissed it.

Well we're on speaking terms again and to anyone looking in from the outside it would seem as if we were probably still together or something and that nothing had gone wrong between us. It almost feels that way sometimes to me too actually. I'm not sure why but whatever we had built since I met him seems to be way stronger than anything we've gone through. I guess if one ever finds someone like that and builds something like that, one should hold on to it with everything they have. I don't know how to define the relationship we have now. Don't know whether to call him a friend or not. It just doesn't feel right to define our relationship under some sort of banner anymore. It is what it is meant to be.

It's good that we can talk like we used to. I missed that a lot. Really I did. I've managed to somehow move passed everything that has happened over the last 2 or so months. I cannot change what happened but I won't allow it to hold me prisoner for the rest of my life. I mean that's what forgiveness is right?! I have more good things to look forward to in my life and I refuse to dwell on the bad. All may be forgiven and I'm trying my hardest to forget too but like I said, time is how I can do it.

It seems to be obvious that I'm still crazy about him but that too can be somehow managed. Not too sure bout everything that's on his mind though and I won't ask either. If I'm meant to know, I will. If I'm not, it won't bother me either. After all he is and will remain the father of my beautiful baby girl. She doesn't need to grow up with parents that are at each others throats all the time. She needs loving and supportive parents who are able to have a constructive relationship with each other.

I really won't try to justify my relationship with him to anyone because everyone I know wants to kill him and I don't blame them. People will think what they want to without me there and that is how life is I guess. I'm trying my hardest to make this work best for everyone involved, no matter how small your role in my life is. All I can do right now is see where this boat takes me and pray that I won't be left drowning again..

I write...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

19:44

I've gotten into such a habit of writing lately that now I cannot function properly if I do not write what's on my mind. I guess I've gotten back into my first love again, writing.

 I don't even know why I gave it up in the first place. I write because on paper I don't need to prove anything to anyone at any point of the day or night!

I write because I am free. I write to correct all the wrongs in my life and give a voice to those feelings and emotions who are unable to speak for themselves. I write because the words I speak, speak louder in your mind than they do on this page. I write to tell you my story. A story of love, pain, betrayal, deceit, laughter, joy and miracles. I write to share a message of hope, love and happiness. I write to give you some sort of hope. I write because what I have to say is not my own but from up above. I may say one thing but what you understand is completely different. I write to share my heart with you and in the process allow you to open yours.

But most of all I write because I love it. Moments create the situations in which life happens. Appreciate the moments so that the  situations can write a positive story of your life. A story you will be proud to let anyone read.. Love life. Love yourself. Love people.