Hurt

Sunday, 04 December 2011

15:19

The last 24 hours have turned out to be one of the hardest I've had to deal with in a few weeks. After my disappointment yesterday morning, I spoke to him last night. I don't think he really understood why I reacted the way I did until I showed it to him. I think he finally gets it. Gets how much of a mess I really am because of him.

I cried myself to sleep last night and even when I woke up 2 hours after finally falling asleep, I was still crying. This past week marked 2 very important dates that have changed my life. Monday marked exactly a year, to the day, since I lost my virginity and Tuesday would've been our anniversary. I use would've lightly. Now it marks the day that my heart was shattered into a million pieces 2 months ago. That's what the 29th now means. Sad right?! And now December will mark two things also. The birth of my beautiful daughter and a year since I officially fell in love with him. Truly sad how this all unfolded for me.

Worst of all is that I didn't choose the path I'm currently on. He chose it for me when he made that split second decision over a year ago that has reaped consequences now. I feel like I lost my power to that because I had no say in how things have finally turned out. Last night though, I feel like I somehow regained some of that power back. I will probably always love him and deep down inside a flame will always burn for him but I won't have hope about us anymore. Love is one thing but having hope is another and love and hope combined allow for a great expectation that once not filled, leave you with a series of disappointments that you half expected but didn't allow yourself  to expect would happen.

I'm letting him go. Everything he's said to me since we met till this point I cannot erase even if I tried. Those words will forever be burned into the hallways of my memory forever. One thing I know about love is that it's not meant to make you miserable and the day it does, you have to let go completely.

A*, you will never let her go for me. That's the truth and you know it too. At the end of the day I'm a casualty of war in your life and now I have to put a name to who I am in your life too. I am your ex and the mother of your first born. That is what I will be until the day he sun stops shining and the earth stops spinning. Someday I hope our daughter never has to go through the pain I'm experiencing with you ever in her precious life. It is my job to make it so. And if she does, I hope she will find strength from my journey to rise from the ashes of the pain. Like the hook of our song go… Love is my problem and nothing will solve it( Trae the Truth ft Dream- Love vs. Money). It's true. Nothing will solve that problem for me, not now or ever. I know you wanna try and be there for us but even I know that you won't be. Something will come up to prevent it and I doubt you'd suddenly become superman. One family must be sacrificed for the happiness of the other and I can already feel that Aiko and I are the sacrificial lambs when those moments arise. So far I've managed to do this on my own without you around and for a good part of my life, I will be doing it alone. That is just how the cookie has seemed to crumble.

My friends, god bless their souls, are trying their utmost best to be there for me when it's possible but let's face it… they also have lives to live. Same goes for my family. No matter how much people wanna be there for me, I know they won't be there 100% of the time so I'm travelling this road on my own. Life has a funny way of making you realize these things when you least expect it and when you do, it's harder than you thought it would be.

I guess someone has done a lot of growing up this year...

The secret to a happy life is not getting what you want but wanting what you've got...