Small things, big fears

Monday, October 31, 2011
22:52

Yesterday(Sunday, 30 October) marked me being 7 and a half months pregnant. It's crazy when I think about it. Soon there'll be a lil version of me running around keeping me busy for hours at a time. I was actually thinking about it today and it really freaked me out. I mean this is really happening to me, like really really.

I'm going to be a mother and I praying against all hope that I don't screw this up somehow. I really hope I don't. I'm now tasked of raising another human being into a responsible, caring, loving human being who will be a blessing to all those around her. I pray that I can do a good job with that, like really I do.

It's been a crazy, emotional week for me with the whole coming to terms thing with her dad and I'm not sure if we may figure things out or not. I wish I could say for sure what's going on there but it seems the closer it gets to me bringing her into this world, the more unprepared I feel. I wish I had my mom to give me advice and support right now but I don't and that's the messed up thing. I could ask my other mothers for help and advice but it really doesn't feel the same. It pains me to think that Aiko may not really get the chance to know her maternal grandmother as she grows up if things don't come right here.

I feel a bit lost too with this whole thing because I'm not really sure who I can talk to about my fears of being a mother. I keep thinking sometimes how there's so much I still want to do however I need to find a way right now to do them and raise a baby at the same time. Pretty crazy once I think about it and it scares me to death. I guess I have to make it up as I go along.

Well as the big day looms closer the more active she becomes. Like I swear this child has waaaaay too much energy for her own good. I guess she gets 75% of that from me and the other 10000% from her dad. Either way I can feel that imma have my hands full once she arrives. Still feeling positive about this entire situation though. I mean I have to. What else can I do. Yesterday's church service re-inspired me. Something I really needed and I'm grateful for such things.

I'm in love with this baby. My miracle baby really. Our miracle baby because we really didn't believe she would come to exist. I guess God really does work in mysterious ways and only He knows why He does the things He does in the way He does them...