Saturday blues

Saturday, 03 December 2011

22:27 PM

What a day I seemed to have. If I wasn't being blown off then I was walking and if I wasn't doing that I was fighting back tears. Yes, I admit it! I nearly cried and not because I couldn't help it. Alright so let me start from the beginning. I haven't been able to sleep now in 2 nights and not because I wasn't tired. I would get into bed and I jus couldn't find my comfort zone. To make matters worse, I've been having troubles breathing and I don't understand why. I mean Aiko has dropped lower down preparing to make her great escape into the world so I shouldn't be having problems right?! WRONG! I haven't been able to catch my breath in the last two days and it's starting to worry the hell outta me. truly it is. If the stress of giving birth wasn't enough. It's as if my body has finally given into the peer pressure from my heart and is also starting to fail me. last thing I want right now is to be admitted to hospital pre-labour for something other than pushing this beast outta me…

Ok so I woke to a message from A* telling me that something had come up and he wouldn't be able to come with me today to go baby shopping. I, naturally, was upset by it but in the back of my mind I sort of expected it. It's like after so long I've become used to getting disappointed by him. I even expect it when he doesn't disappoint me. sad right?! I mean the one person I should have a little bit of faith in, I expect the worst first before the good. See how messed up I am now?! Usually I expect the best even if the worst may come my way. Well after my mind also failed me and I said things to him that  didn't want to today, I decided to go do it alone. I mean that's how I've been doing it for months now and not by choice. The worst thing about doing it all alone is that I'm bombarded with these couples and pregnant women who look absolutely happy about where they are and whatnot and I can't help thing how badly I want that. How badly I just wanna enjoy this pregnancy with this irreplaceable smile on my face that I'M GOING TO BE A MOTHER! But every time I'm thrown back into the harsh reality that is my life right now. *Sigh* when it all falls down (Kanye couldn't have said it better).

Today also marked day 23 of my moms disappearance. The saddest thing is that the longer she's gone the more I realise how I won't be able to learn motherly things from her because she's not around to help me when Aiko finally arrives. Slowly I feel like every one is making choices about my life that I have no say in. I'm tired and every time someone asks about it, it kills me because I HAVE NO NEWS to give them. It's just crazy how one minute 2011 was the best year of my life and in the blink of an eye, it's turned out to be my worst ever.

But not all is lost. She's on her way and I can't wait to hold her in my arms. Maybe she'll be the answer I've been waiting for...