When love becomes poison

Tuesday, 06 December 2011

17:35 PM

*Sigh*… if I thought this weekend was bad because of A* then I was mistaken. Last night was even worse and I'm not talking about on a normal level but on a level like I have never experienced and which I never want to experience ever again.

Have you ever meant so little to someone that at the end of it all you feel so used and brutalised that you don't know where you're going anymore or who you even are because of it?! I opened my heart to someone who has made me feel exactly like that. Lower than the ground I walk on. I didn't go looking for any of this last night but I guess it came looking for me. I was fine. Or at least I was on the road there until she contacted me. I didn't want to talk to her so I ignored her message but she kept on insisting until finally she said the thing that pissed me off and not only at her but at him too.

I quote.. " well in that case I'm gonna talk! Mellisa( Chick has the nik naks to spell my name wrong even) I truly don't understand what you are trying to do! I've asked you if you want Aubrey back. And you never gave me a straight answer! What do you want him to do?! Isn't it enough that he's part of Aiko's life?! Do you want him to leave me to come to you?!he's not your boyfriend! I don't understand why you tend to demand so much! Did he hold a gun and force you to open your legs?! Did you think his cum was cream?! You are as responsible as he is for this baby! Look I know it's tough but hey such is life!! It's really annoying when I try to build something with my boyfriend and you just come along and rip it apart! Just say what you want!"

Ok wow.. Still to this moment I'm shocked at the gall of this chick. To send someone that as if you know what's really going on?! Worst part of this whole thing is I asked him exactly what the hell was going on because I didn't get it! Know what he does? He want to start a group chat about it! But it was beautiful how this all went down. Really it was because not only did he not defend her calling me "desperate and out to get her", he fucken also added to it to eventually make me out to be well, "the bitter baby mama". That's just great right?! But it didn't end there. He flat out denied the shit that had been happening since the break up and he got back in contact with me. I never asked him to call me. I never asked him to "miss Aiko and I", I never asked him to "still love" me or even "want to have a normal relationship" with me. I never asked him to tell me that "one day our daughter would have his surname and so would I". I never asked him to kiss me out of the blue because he "missed me a lot". I never asked him to "want to spend time with" me because it wasn't "the same not having me around anymore". I never asked him to proclaim my pregnancy to his friends or even his best friends mom! I NEVER asked you to say what you did to me! Never ever did I do such. I never asked you to kidnap me in the middle of the night and NEVER did I ask you to tell me it would "work out eventually for us"!

It's true what they say that love can make you stupid and truly I was taken for a ride. The most painful ride of my life in fact all because it was convenient and a game to Aubrey! I should've never believed you but then again, I should've never started to trust you again after the breakup! That was rather stupid of me.

Last night was the last knock for me. I decided that I no longer want him to be apart of our lives anymore. I truly still did believe in him even after it all but last night that disappeared too. I no longer believe in him. I no longer trust him and soon I will no longer love him either. When that happens to anyone in my life, they die in my eyes. I was willing to at least let him have a relationship with Aiko but I can no longer do that. She is no longer our baby but my baby. His sperm may have been involved in creating her but that will be where it ends. I cannot for any reason subject her to this messed up dynamic. It's not healthy for her, it's not healthy for me and it's not healthy for to build any sort of life from it. I was pretty angry at them both last night. So angry in fact that I didn't care whether what I said hurt him or not. I just don't. I see now that everything I had given him was wasted on him. EVERYTHING was wasted. I wasted my time, I wasted my life, I wasted my love and I wasted even bothering to care. But that's why people love me right?! I can do that with anyone and not expect anything back. I don't know why I suddenly did in this situation. Why I expected more from someone who couldn't have cared less to at least respect me enough not to lie to me is beyond me. I don't regret much in my life but I'm starting to regret this. Regret actually wasting love. But I won't because I'm now blessed with one of the greatest miracles known to man. The gift of a child. My child.

But I've learnt from this because people are in your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. A* was in my life for a reason. I do not know that reason yet but one day I will. One day when I look back upon this moment, I hope I'll be strong enough to appreciate what it did to make me a brighter and better me. I don't wish those two any bad things because that's not how I was raised. I hope my daughter turns out to be nothing like her father in character or personality and if I manage to achieve that raising her, then I would consider it a successful job. I'm not bitter or hurt anymore by this. I'm just numb. Numb to all the words and feelings.

One day when you think about us, I hope it brings tears to your eyes and I mean real tears. I'm not saying this in a hurtful or mean way but one day when you think of your first born out there somewhere in the world, living and growing happily, I hope you realize how the selfish and childish decisions you made resulted in this. You won't know what she looks like, what type of person she is or even if she has your talents. All I can give you is her birth date. Every year that passes and every time that date comes, you'll know that your daughter has grown but you won't know by how much. I will not bother you with requests for money or anything of the sort because as you've proven so far, you're not interested in helping out that way which is fine by me. By the grace of God, I will manage and I will make a success of my life for my sake and hers.

God works in mysterious ways. I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes of this disaster and fulfill my destiny of greatness because that is what God has predestined for my life. There is no need for me to be bitter or sad about this anymore because my Father in heaven will have vengeance on my part. I feel better now…

Thank God for Tammy, Palesa, Thandi and Busi. Friends that know the true meaning of unconditional love because they're still standing by my side and are willing to do everything in their power to make sure I get where I need to be. It's our child and Aiko Gabriella Matsoso-Jacobs-Tshabalala-Boguo is the luckiest girl in the world to get to opportunity to be raised by these beautiful souls...

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.