When it all falls down..

10 November 2011

19:04 PM

I started my day off on a good note today but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Not at all because this morning I was contacted by the other girl involved in my situation about an email I sent to Aiko's dad last night. That email really wasn't meant for her to read but she took the liberty to read it anyway and somehow at the end of that conversation, I felt like I was truly the worst person in the world. The way she said certain things to me was enough to throw me back to how I felt over a month ago. How I would cry myself to sleep and much like garbage I felt. That truly was the most difficult time of my life this year, if not ever and I never thought I would ever go back there because I managed to just forget and put it all behind me.

I emailed Aiko's father after that because I just felt left so bare and vulnerable again. He didn't know of course that she had gone through his phone and all he could do was apologise to me about it. He contacted me earlier this afternoon again about it and there I was again with tears welling up in my eyes as we discussed what had happened earlier and he really doesn't get it. I don't think I expected him to either. I didn't think I could feel so much but I still do and I don't think I want to anymore. I just want to be able to switch off when need be so I don’t have to feel the pain. So that I don't have to always feels so alone when it comes to this pregnancy because in less than 5 weeks I'm having this baby, I don't need to be feeling like this again. Sometimes I wish I didn't have so much hope and optimism about things in my life because at the end of the day it doesn't help me if I end up fighting and risking everything for people who won't even risk to fight for me.

I believe I'm worth more than this but some days that's harder to believe than others. Some days I wake up wishing he was there. I don't understand why I do but I do. I don't know why on other days I wake up and doubt my own existence until I finally see myself standing in the mirror. Other days I wake up just fine, with those thoughts not even anywhere near my mind but today forced me to face more realities about this entire thing. I am truly grasping at straws her. I know I am.

I don't trust many people anymore. Words now mean very little to me. I guess what will really speak to me are actions. I'm tired of hearing promises and words that in my heart, I know may never be real but I listen nonetheless. I'm tired of hearing the word sorry from everyone especially him because now that word holds no more power for me. we can all apologise until we turn blue and mean what we say but if the person you are apologising to doesn't believe it anymore then those words become meaningless. They are just letters of the alphabet that put together to mean something. But don't anymore. I'm tired of seeing the looks in some people's eyes where I know they may not be saying it but they are filled with pity for me. I don't want people's pity. I'm tired of being so scared at the idea of becoming a mother. A single mother at that. I'm tired of feeling so alone on most days because everyone is busy with their own lives and I feel guilty bothering them all the time. I'm tired of not feeling good enough on somee days because of something someone says. I'm tired of being me sometimes because I don't feel good enough to be. I'm tired of people feeling they need to lie to me to protect to me. I'm just tired amd I don't know when I won't be.

All I've ever asked from anyone is for honesty. Never tell me what I want to hear because in the end it does more harm than good. I don't want to give up at this stage. I really don't but I just feel so defeated by everything. I need to keep some sort of hope alive so that I don't slip into depression...