Miracles

Monday, 28 November 2011

11:25 AM

I don't know how to describe it but this entire pregnancy is a miracle. I really am enjoying every minute, second and hour of it including all the pains and cramps. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't wanna have this experience at all or why some would even give up their babies after going through it. Every time Aiko kicks or pops a limb out, I can't help but just hold my stomach and smile. Like genuinely just smile. My little miracle baby is growing and becoming more aware of me each and every second she's in there. If she doesn't agree with something or takes her dads side, she makes me aware of it(sometimes she just goes too far lol…). Over the last few days, she's become even more active. Even refusing to let me sleep some days. I don't think she's kicking me anymore. Nope… now she assaults me! She's lucky there's no law enforcement agency that deals with such cases otherwise I would sue her for all she's worth lol… jokes!

Took a video the other day of her kicking and it's absolutely amazing to watch. Really it is. Showed it to Tammy and Nasya the other day and they were amazed to see it. Soon she'll be out and about and I won't be the only one getting assaulted… hehehehe..

Baby shower!

It's two days later and I'm still high off that baby shower. No what I mean to say is I'm still recovering from it lol.. It was absolutely awesome! Well it wasn't anything fancy or whatnot but I loved it. My girls really did well planning it EVEN if the people I invited didn't pitch up and that's basically all of them. Well I won't throw all of them under the bus, some of them did send me apologies that they couldn't attend beforehand and others after but still, what bout the rest of them?! Not even a word. Oh well… I'm over it. Now back to the shower.

It was awesome! I ended up laughing so hard that at one point I thought my water was gonna break or something. My vocal chords and throat are still paying for it today. And contrary to popular belief, I WASN'T CAKED! That's the best part of it all. Plus the other great thing is that for once, we had everything that was necessary for the braai, including the braai utensils( for once in our lives). Thandi even stayed up the previous night just to make a sign for the baby shower(I've put that one up in my room) and Tammy with her decorations?! Brought tears to my eyes( well metaphorically. There was no way I was gonna cry that day!). The set up was pretty cool. I lie.. The set up was awesome! So here's what went down.

We all eventually arrived at our spot( Yes, we officially have a spot at Zoolake now. No one dares to camp themselves there) and started setting up. Lol… we all suck at starting a braai fire, even my brother Jean sucks at it. All he managed to do was burn paper and a McD's fry. Yep, the boy chucked a fry into the braai as an "experiment". He's special, ain't he?! Well since that was a fail of epic proportions, Palesa and I decided to approach these two guys who were having a braai a little further from us to ask them to start our braai. They were kind enough to help us out and well that began the start of a very beautiful.. Uhm… braai-ship lol. Those guys were crazy. Seriously, they almost put us to shame.

Well the day went off without a hitch and I managed to laugh myself into a state. Know why?! Because of BUGS! Yea, I said it! Bugs! Every 5 minutes or so someone would scream bug and point at someone(yes, there really was a bug there) and we would all go screaming in different directions to escape this person. None of us tried to help each other at all. It was every man for themselves when it came to that. Lol… it was the most hilarious thing on the planet! Like have you  ever seen 5 girls just outta nowhere start screaming and running while one was jumping up and down screaming "get it off, get it off!". Lol.. I couldn't help it, I just had to laugh. Funny thing about it all is that before we all met Palesa, none of us were scared of bugs but I guess after so many years we've managed to pick up her phobia and now we're ALL terrified of the tiny creatures. Lol… the joys of friendship! I even got injured! Palesa threw her phone at me because of a bug. Lol… painful I must admit! No shame even after she hurt me. Lol.. She was even prepared to sacrifice Aiko and I to some ducks! Tjo.. With the friends I have, I don't need enemies. They do that too. Gotta love these girls!

Received some pretty cool presents too from everyone. Too cute I might add. I really do appreciate the effort everyone put into making my day special. It really was awesome even with just 6 people and 3 strangers there… all smiles! THANK YOU TAMMY, THANDI, PALESA, NASYA, JEAN, PAUL, DEXTER, TERRY AND THAMI(the last 3 are the random dudes we met there), you guys really made my shower/braai something worth remembering!

Epic day.. The sequel

Thursday, 24 November 2011

15:21 PM

Among other things, today will go down as an epic day in the history of this pregnancy lol… know why?! Because it seems every ,moment of today I was laughing because well people were just being really ridiculous or over dramatic.

So I started off the day with Busi being heartbroken(nothing funny about this but she's too cute so I had to laugh). She was heartbroken over the fact that I had finally found a birthing partner and it wasn't her. Sad I know but hey, me I take people seriously when they say no. even if they joking! Which apparently she was(could have fooled me… lol… I LOVE YOU BUSI). Anyway so when she managed to get over that she carried on revising for her exam. Zulu might I add. Zulu literature to be specific. So being the random person that I am I just started reading one of the questions off the page. Geez that took it out of me. No like really, my brain was fried! Ha-ha but Busi seems to think I did well. Yay! Too bad it's more Sotho I have to learn… gosh.

Anyhu so I was sitting in Danmore's office waiting for Busi because she was accompanying me to the doctor to get a scan of this lil giant done and I started having these horrible, HORRIBLE cramps. Damn.. Haven't felt pain at that magnitude ever. Not even my worst period pains matched up to that. Anyway so the I was writhing in pain with D's laptop on my lap when Mvelo, Dineo and Melisa(not me) walk in and see me in pain. Lol… they immediately all panic! One tell the other to go fetch Danmore. I insisted I would be fine but it was too late. They had all already gone out in search of the man. Well the pain slowly subsided when everyone finally got back to the office. Danmore though barged in claiming my water had broke. You can just imagine my shock hearing that of course because I was the only one unaware of this fact( let's not forget that I'm the pregnant one). I couldn't help myself. I just burst out laughing when he told me why he thought that. The girls had found him in  the staff room making coffee and had told him that he needs to rush back to the office because something was wrong with me. Everyone assumed that of course my water had broken and I was in labour! Really?! Yes, REALLY! Next thing I know aunty Precious also walks into the room thinking I was in labour. Everyone was shocked to see me sitting there. Back at work on the laptop as if nothing had happened but that was hilarious. The drama from a false alarm was crazy. Imagine when my water actually does break?!

So Busi finally did arrive a short while later and was also in stitches when I told her the story. Before we left though, Danmore showed me a video he had found of Palesa that she had taken a long time ago. We nearly posted it up on YouTube(just for laughs). We didn't though. I didn't want to die. Told her bout it. She, of course, freaked out. Who would blame her though?! She thought that video was gone forever. Apparently not… that'll teach you to make such video's!

Alright so Busi and I left all that drama to have more shocking news thrust upon us. I'm talking seriously life altering stuff. So there we were in the consultation room with the nurse and the ultrasound machine. She squeezes gel onto my belly and puts that thingy device on it… the most beautiful sight showed up on the screen. Little baby Aiko (^^,). She is so beautiful! Wow. Well aside from the sad news that I wouldn't be able to get a picture of her because the printer wasn't working I was left in awe. She has such a big head though( I so blame her dad for that one. I had no part in that lol..). Alright but that wasn't shocking. What was shocking was what the nurse said when we were looking for her body parts etc. according to the scan measurements, I look to be about 35/36 weeks pregnant! That's 9 months! Lol… no way that's possible though but I wouldn't really know. It's either that or Aiko is a giant baby. Yoh the pain of pushing that out… Eh but I ended up laughing when we left the clinic though. What else could I do?! That threw me off balance. Sooooooo folks, that means expect to hear the good news anytime now. Aiko's dad believes my whole pregnancy hit fast forward when I told him about it. Can you imagine though?! I've officially concluded that I get the most shocking news when Busi is around. I mean she was there when I found out I was pregnant and now this? Lol.. Nah, Tis Busi shockingnewsiuos syndrome! (leave my word alone, I'm allowed to self diagnose). Ha-ha that was crazy though and we ended up laughing about it all the way back to town..

Epic day indeed.. Wonder what will happen this weekend… BABY SHOWER!!!!!!!

Mommy's lil joy

Thursday, November 24, 2011

09:02

Can't believe it's Thursday already… where is all this time going to?! It's a if time has somewhere important to be and we're just setting it back with our daily lives. Well ain't that just great. Not even time has the time for us lol…

Well it is another beautifully blessed morning and here I am… drinking a hot cup of tea and thinking bout my appointment this afternoon. Going to finally get a scan of this lil monster(I mean that in a good way) inside me. This should be fun! Well for me anyway.. Have I mentioned how active she's become lately?! The child doesn't kick anymore… nooooo.. Now she assaults me. Sometimes I have to say "woah there" or "ouch" the way she kicks so hard. Eh I swear either I'm right and she's planning her empire in there or she's somehow telepathically communicating with her father and they've cooked up some plot to make me suffer a lil… actually I wouldn't doubt either theory.

*Sigh* Speaking of her dad. It's been strange, even if I do say so myself. I mean really strange for me especially. I don't know what to say to people anymore when they ask me about him and his involvement. I won't lie, I've basically been doing it on my own and the most I've received from him to date is a lot of support(I use that lightly). What do you tell someone when they ask about the baby's father and frankly you're tired of telling them the whole sordid story because well, you're trying to move on from it?!? It's crazy when I think about it. I try not to talk about him too much or at all even but when someone asks, I have to say something and you know what my answer is everytime?! "Oh no, he's fine. He's very involved actually. We're working it out". Dumb ain't it?! But what can I say. That's now my automated response. I feel like a broken record sometimes but it's all I can muster to say nowadays. It's tiring to keep explaining what really happened and sometimes I just wish people would read the blog.. Well that's being ambitious in a sense.. Ag gotta come up with another automated response because it feels like I'm lying more to myself than I am to them. Sad really.

I'm starting to get so freaked out now with this whole single mother business. I know I'm not the first woman to have to raise a child on my own and I won' be the last but it still freaks me out of my wits( not Wits guys… Gosh lol).. Wish me luck. No actually don't. just keep me in your prayers for the next, let's say.. Uhm, lifetime! this should be fun…. I hope… (-_-)

This is what Aiko and I look like at 33 weeks and 4 days

Rain fall down..

22 November 2011

15:39 PM

I've been thinking about this since last night and it took me a while to fall asleep because of it. Ever feel like loving someone has become a sin?! I mean like you know you should be over it or something by now but you just can't? it's as if your heart has a mind of it's own. You can't tell it what to do anymore and eventually your mind disregards what you feel. Yep… that feeling get's filed under "We will never". I don't why it still gets to me like this but it does. Well at this moment it has and I truly hate it. Like I really do. I'm tired of explaining how I feel to him because I doubt he understands or even cares anymore(what I think anyway). I know I should stay away from feeling anything but it's like just when I've run far enough, a powerful magnet just yanks me back from where I am to where I used to be.

Everyday is different and after that major set back of mine a 2 weeks ago. I got better. No actually, I got busy and forgot about it, him, and the entire screwed up situation. For once my mind was just focused on what I had to do there and then. I won't lie, there were times I caught myself thinking about him and I didn't understand why… flip I'm starting to sound like a broken record now, don't you think?! Ag every week I go through this and every week I feel the same and every week I feel like cutting my heart out my chest and finding a brand new one that doesn't have such an emotional memory and every week I fucken start again! It hurts then it doesn't then I'm neutral the whole vicious cycle starts again…

Well it's raining now… I just love the smell and sound of rain but the sad thing bout rain is now I have a memory of him attached to it. Rain isn't just rain anymore, it's something else that I can't explain. I used to believe that it rained because heaven was crying when you were sad and I lost that. But I do believe it again. Rain is heavens way of telling you that your pain is not yours alone. It's theirs too. Angels feel your pain just as much as you do. *Sigh*  here I go again with this crap. Ok moving on…

Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it but you can always see the crack in it.

Meli updated

22 November 2011

11:03 AM

I know I haven't written in a while and honestly aside from being crazy busy over the past week, I have no other excuse as to why I haven't. well a lot has happened since my last post and I really have no idea how I'm managing to stay so clm about it at the moment, soo let's begin shall we?!

Alright so today marks the 12th day since my mom went missing and there literally is no sign of her anywhere. Not even a trace. It's been rather different at home since she completely vanished and I'm not sure what to make of it really. Yes… I am worried about my mother and where on earth she could be and what she could possibly be eating and where she sleeps at night and if she's dressed properly etc. I feel like a mother who's child has run away. It's as if she's completely disappeared off the face of the planet. As if she never really existed in the first place. It really is something else for this to be happening now but I guess one can never control what happens in their lives. You can only learn to adapt to the situation to the best of your ability. I really do hope and pray that someone finds her safe and returns her back to us soon. Pretty movie-like stuff the way this is going down right now.

Ok now on to a bit of lighter news. I had quite an interesting and amazingly blessed week. First I discovered that I've been blessed with one of the most amazing miracles that will go a long way in helping me get everything I need and more for Aiko. I was super shocked when I received the news that I had no idea what to do with myself for a good 24 hours after that. Nothing could have wiped the smile off my face last Tuesday. Nothing at all. Did I mention it's amazing?! Prayer, visualizing and believing that you have something even when you don't, go a long way. I knew I was going to have my breakthrough but I had no idea it would manifest itself in this manner or magnitude. But hey… when God says your breakthrough has arrived, don't doubt it. Even if you don't see it yet, thank Him for it because it is at the time when you least expect it that it shall manifest itself to you( Don't worry guys, I'll elaborate on what I'm talking about soon)

So I went for my 8 month ante-natal checkup last Tuesday and boy was that a visit. No matter how many times I go there, I still will not get used to the needles. They hurt! Ok.. Maybe I overreact when I see a needle, but like who doesn't?! I mean really now?! Who wants or even likes being invaded by a super thin rod and either having it steal your blood or inject something foreign into your body?( If you do, then you are a major weirdo… lol..). I'm glad the ante-natal trips are nearly over though, it's one tough job to give a urine sample when you don't have to pee. Ha-ha… also had a mini argument with my midwife. She reckons I don't eat enough. Aiko is smaller than she should be at this stage(height-wise) plus she's the only one gaining weight and not me. I have no problem with that. It just proves that I do not gain weight, even with my erratic eating habits and a baby growing inside me( Lol… less baby fat to lose :-D).

Geez but for an almost last ante-natal checkup, it was rather nerve wrecking too. Had to do my follow up HIV test. The time leading up to me receiving my results, I was pretty nervous. Even the night before I found it hard to sleep. I don't know why I was but I was. Anyhu my test results came back NEGATIVE! Woooooohoooooo, HIV free baby! Gosh I was so relieved when the counselor told me that. I'm glad my follow up test confirmed the results of the first test. One more thing to thank God for.

All in all it's been a pretty bitter-sweet week. More sweet than bitter though. Was enormously blessed. So today Aiko and I are 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant( That's 8 months, 1 week and 2 days for those who don't know). Pretty exciting that soon she'll be here with me and I get to hold her and kiss her and stare at her for hours at a time(be a valid stalker, you know). She's been pretty active as of late in my womb. It's as if she also senses that her time to meet me is also getting close and she's excited about it. Oh well… for now her and I are one and just like her parents, Aiko doesn't know what the meaning of slowing down is. We busy people…. (^^,)

Untitled

11 November 2011

18:01 PM

You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have left..

I guess it's been one of those mornings again. You know the ones where you didn't really sleep the night before and you got tears in your eyes? Well I guess some don't know but yea, it was one of those mornings for me. woke up with a heavy heart and this heart really hasn't been around for a while.

I guess some wounds don't really heal as we expect or even want them to and there we are left out in the cold(well forget bout this heat) with nothing to our names but hurt, pain and tears. Quite funny when I think about it. I've never been this emotional ever in my life, like never ever! And now if feels like I really am grabbing at straws trying to find this strength inside myself that will enable me to be ok. Just ok. Not like I'm asking for world peace or anything you know(we all know that's being ambitious and delusional in this day and age).

Had a thousand and one thought running through my head and none of them were cohesive or even made any sense but I thought them nonetheless. And with every passing thought, I managed to feel worse and felt like I was going to explode. Completely just disintegrate. It's like the real me is watching the current me and all she wants to do is give the current me a big hug and tell her everything will be ok but current me can't hear her because real me is just a ghost she can't see right now. Lovely ain't it?!

But like really what would anyone do in my shoes?! Honestly think bout it. Well th good that came out of today was that I managed to finish a book today(my first completed novel in over a yea, yay!) plus I finally have a birthing partner(double yay!). At least i'm guaranteed to have someone there with me in the delivery room when the time comes. That will be one hell of an experience, just gotta get this Kegels and breathing thing on point.

Well I feel stupid for feeling like I do today but I just gotta feel the feeling in it's entirety before I can face a new day tomorrow. The feelings of today should be kept away from the promises of tomorrow. quote me on that. Tomorrow I start again. Haha I feel like an alcoholic that says that after slipping up and having a drink.. Oh well.. That's my update for today.

Countdown..

10 November 2011

19:39 PM

There is 4 weeks and 3 days left until we welcome Aiko into the world and the closer it gets the more emotions I seem to be overwhelmed with. Mainly right now, I'm overwhelmed with both fear and excitement. Fear at what that day holds but excitement that I will finally be able to meet her.

The last few days have been rather eye opening too. My feet have been really sore and it's killing me. no one here at home is willing to help me with it and that gets me down. I've been watching my feet carefully though because if they swell up I have to rush myself over to the hospital to get it checked out. It's one of the things I was told to watch out for and immediately get to a hospital if it happens.. It's a bit worrying though because my feet feel so sore. Wish I could get a massage but yea, I'm being ambitious with that.

Looks like I'm going to be alone in the delivery room though. I guess I have no choice but to be fine with it. Gotta get used to the idea now anyway…

7 months, 3 weeks and 4 days pregnant today… (^^,)

When it all falls down..

10 November 2011

19:04 PM

I started my day off on a good note today but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Not at all because this morning I was contacted by the other girl involved in my situation about an email I sent to Aiko's dad last night. That email really wasn't meant for her to read but she took the liberty to read it anyway and somehow at the end of that conversation, I felt like I was truly the worst person in the world. The way she said certain things to me was enough to throw me back to how I felt over a month ago. How I would cry myself to sleep and much like garbage I felt. That truly was the most difficult time of my life this year, if not ever and I never thought I would ever go back there because I managed to just forget and put it all behind me.

I emailed Aiko's father after that because I just felt left so bare and vulnerable again. He didn't know of course that she had gone through his phone and all he could do was apologise to me about it. He contacted me earlier this afternoon again about it and there I was again with tears welling up in my eyes as we discussed what had happened earlier and he really doesn't get it. I don't think I expected him to either. I didn't think I could feel so much but I still do and I don't think I want to anymore. I just want to be able to switch off when need be so I don’t have to feel the pain. So that I don't have to always feels so alone when it comes to this pregnancy because in less than 5 weeks I'm having this baby, I don't need to be feeling like this again. Sometimes I wish I didn't have so much hope and optimism about things in my life because at the end of the day it doesn't help me if I end up fighting and risking everything for people who won't even risk to fight for me.

I believe I'm worth more than this but some days that's harder to believe than others. Some days I wake up wishing he was there. I don't understand why I do but I do. I don't know why on other days I wake up and doubt my own existence until I finally see myself standing in the mirror. Other days I wake up just fine, with those thoughts not even anywhere near my mind but today forced me to face more realities about this entire thing. I am truly grasping at straws her. I know I am.

I don't trust many people anymore. Words now mean very little to me. I guess what will really speak to me are actions. I'm tired of hearing promises and words that in my heart, I know may never be real but I listen nonetheless. I'm tired of hearing the word sorry from everyone especially him because now that word holds no more power for me. we can all apologise until we turn blue and mean what we say but if the person you are apologising to doesn't believe it anymore then those words become meaningless. They are just letters of the alphabet that put together to mean something. But don't anymore. I'm tired of seeing the looks in some people's eyes where I know they may not be saying it but they are filled with pity for me. I don't want people's pity. I'm tired of being so scared at the idea of becoming a mother. A single mother at that. I'm tired of feeling so alone on most days because everyone is busy with their own lives and I feel guilty bothering them all the time. I'm tired of not feeling good enough on somee days because of something someone says. I'm tired of being me sometimes because I don't feel good enough to be. I'm tired of people feeling they need to lie to me to protect to me. I'm just tired amd I don't know when I won't be.

All I've ever asked from anyone is for honesty. Never tell me what I want to hear because in the end it does more harm than good. I don't want to give up at this stage. I really don't but I just feel so defeated by everything. I need to keep some sort of hope alive so that I don't slip into depression...

Guardian angel

10 November 2011

18:37 PM

Met an amazing woman today and I truly think she was God sent. God truly sent that woman to talk to me at that very moment on this very moment. Her name is Albertina and what she said to me, I really did need to hear. What brought her to me was the fact that I was reading at the time she noticed me. didn't think I would have so much in common with a stranger but I did. She is exactly 20 years my senior but it's like her and I were carved from the same stone. Her love for the written word was truly amazing and it inspired me. if her niece hadn't come, we really would have ended up talking for hours.

There were things she said to me that just gave me hope and after the morning I had she did give me a lot of hope. There are twp thing she said to me that stood out though. The first thing she told me was that when you find love, no matter what may stand in your way, hold on to it. Life is too short to have regrets about love and you'll only find it once in your life. It's almost as if she knew everything that was going on in my life at that moment. Her words just had this resounding effect in my mind, heart and soul. We talked more after she said that and she ended up telling me that I should publish a book. She doesn't know me but she told me that I should. Isn't that a it weird?! A total stranger believes that I can make a success of publishing a book. It has been on my mind a lot lately and I guess I should do it. I mean if a complete stranger can believe in me enough to encourage me to then really nothing should be holding me back from doing it.

The second thing she told me was that I should learn not to have any fear. It's a philosophy she's raising her two kids with. Don't have fear. Fear just hinders you from living your life without having regrets. Being fearless empowers you to take life by the horns and break them if you have to just to get where you want to be in life. Self-love, self-belief and fearlessness are what your life should be about.

At one point during our conversation I really did wish she was my mother or someone related to me because she has this energy and life philosophy that is truly addictive. I may only have met her for a brief moment but she's made the greatest impact in my life to date. I hope I can instil Aiko with the principles and values she managed to instil in me in that rather short 30 minute conversation I had with her.

I truly believe she was my guardian angel that had come to pass on a message tome and I truly appreciate that moment with her.

Just a girl...

08 November 2011

18:36 PM

I was just a girl..that stood in front of a guy and asked him to love her.. Now?! Now I'm a woman who was loved by the man and now she is asking God to give her the strength raise her child to love with the fire of a thousand suns and more.

This is dedicated to every girl that made herself bare to a guy and asked for nothing more than a lil bit of love back and for every guy that ever loved a girl and asked for nothing more than a lil love back. In life we only give our heart away once to that great love. One may give pieces of your heart away to others but you only give the real thing away once and once it's been given away, there's no getting it back.

The thing about love is that no matter how much you try to hide your feelings, they always manage to come out. The beauty about love is that it can and will never return to you void. I'm talking about true love here. The love you share with your family and close friends and that special person you can't seem to imagine life without when you actually do meet them. Love is that thing that makes you cry for no reason. It's that thing that can make you permanently happy and keep a standard of smile on your face that no one will ever see. Love makes a girl glow as if she's made of rays of pure sunlight and makes a guy climb the tallest mountain just to shout to the world that he is crazy about her. It knows no superficial looks. It gives one more of a reason to live and sometimes makes a person lose their will when it is taken away. Love ends wars and allows hearts to heal. Love conquers all and does not fear when obstacles look to be bigger than it is at that moment. Love conquers mountains, hills, valleys, planets and entire solar systems. Love knows no bounds and where those exist, it manages to remove their limits.

We all search for that kind of feeling and when we find it, we hold on to it as if our lives depend on it. And our lives do depend on it. Our first and greatest love should be with our heavenly Father. That's one love that can never fail you because God is love.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your soul and all these things shall be added unto you"

I think I've reached a stage in my life where I feel that I've grown and matured to a stage I didn't really think was possible in such a short space of time. I'm 1 month away from welcoming my greatest love. It's amazing to think that at one stage last year when I was having a conversation with Aiko's dad about how he wanted a child, I really didn't imagine that we would be here almost a year later close to bringing one into the world. I'm grateful for my experiences over the past year ad some months because well I learnt to love without an fear and despite being so hurt, I managed to hold on to love. Unconditional love.

Exciting new experiences await me in a few weeks...

INSTANTS by Jorge Luis Borges

I still manage to love this poem with all that is in me. What if you could live again?! What would you do differently?

If I could live again my life,In the next - I'll try,- to make more mistakes,I won't try to be so perfect,I'll be more relaxed,I'll be more full - than I am now,In fact, I'll take fewer things seriously,I'll be less hygenic,I'll take more risks,I'll take more trips,I'll watch more sunsets,I'll climb more mountains,I'll swim more rivers,I'll go to more places - I've never been,I'll eat more ice creams and less (lime) beans,I'll have more real problems - and less imaginaryones,I was one of those people who liveprudent and prolific lives -each minute of his life,Offcourse that I had moments of joy - but,if I could go back I'll try to have only good moments,

If you don't know - thats what life is made of,Don't lose the now!

I was one of those who never goes anywherewithout a thermometer,without a hot-water bottle,and without an umberella and without a parachute,

If I could live again - I will travel light,If I could live again - I'll try to work bare feetat the beginning of spring tillthe end of autumn,I'll ride more carts,I'll watch more sunrises and play with more children,If I have the life to live - but now I am 85,- and I know that I am dying ...

Small things, big fears

Monday, October 31, 2011
22:52

Yesterday(Sunday, 30 October) marked me being 7 and a half months pregnant. It's crazy when I think about it. Soon there'll be a lil version of me running around keeping me busy for hours at a time. I was actually thinking about it today and it really freaked me out. I mean this is really happening to me, like really really.

I'm going to be a mother and I praying against all hope that I don't screw this up somehow. I really hope I don't. I'm now tasked of raising another human being into a responsible, caring, loving human being who will be a blessing to all those around her. I pray that I can do a good job with that, like really I do.

It's been a crazy, emotional week for me with the whole coming to terms thing with her dad and I'm not sure if we may figure things out or not. I wish I could say for sure what's going on there but it seems the closer it gets to me bringing her into this world, the more unprepared I feel. I wish I had my mom to give me advice and support right now but I don't and that's the messed up thing. I could ask my other mothers for help and advice but it really doesn't feel the same. It pains me to think that Aiko may not really get the chance to know her maternal grandmother as she grows up if things don't come right here.

I feel a bit lost too with this whole thing because I'm not really sure who I can talk to about my fears of being a mother. I keep thinking sometimes how there's so much I still want to do however I need to find a way right now to do them and raise a baby at the same time. Pretty crazy once I think about it and it scares me to death. I guess I have to make it up as I go along.

Well as the big day looms closer the more active she becomes. Like I swear this child has waaaaay too much energy for her own good. I guess she gets 75% of that from me and the other 10000% from her dad. Either way I can feel that imma have my hands full once she arrives. Still feeling positive about this entire situation though. I mean I have to. What else can I do. Yesterday's church service re-inspired me. Something I really needed and I'm grateful for such things.

I'm in love with this baby. My miracle baby really. Our miracle baby because we really didn't believe she would come to exist. I guess God really does work in mysterious ways and only He knows why He does the things He does in the way He does them...

In living colour

Monday, October 31, 2011
18:09

It's honestly been quite a rollercoaster of a year for me and every time I think I'm heading in one direction, my life will suddenly take a new turn and I'd need to adapt all over again. Well it's done it again!

Ok so I have a confession to make. I started talking to Aiko's dad again about 2 weeks ago. He called me and wanted to talk. I found it a bit surprising seeing as he was the one who wanted to cut contact in the first place but I answered the phone anyway. It was good to talk to him. I missed that I could legally do that. Well yea, we've been talking regularly now and I'm not sure what to feel. I honestly thought I could bury any feelings I had for him but I can't. I tried to but it failed. No matter how deep I buried them, they seem to have dug themselves out and here I am with feelings I'm not sure what to do with.

It’s been quite interesting I must say because half the time I don't know how to act! It's like I'm, well, a blundering fool! Not even sure what I'm saying half the time either. Well the unexpected turn I guess is that he still feels the same way about me as I do about him. Like genuinely. Weirder still is that from the 2 conversations I've had with the other girl involved in this situation, she feels it too( well the part about him still loving me). I've been honestly trying to take this in one day at a time but it doesn't seem to be working too well because I'm still pretty shell shocked. I guess Tammy was right(isn't she always somehow?!)

I have quite a few big decisions to make over the next month and I'm not really sure which way it's gonna go. I've stopped trying to plan things. Some things just never go as I plan anyway so I'm just going with what will feel right in my heart, mind and soul.

A new dawn..

Saturday, October 29, 2011
18:11

Time heals all wounds right?! Yes it does and I guess now I'm speaking from my own stand point. My phone did something this morning I don't remember setting it to do. It reminded me that today would have been my 17 month anniversary with Aiko's dad. Yep it would have been had we still been in a relationship. Something about that struck me as odd for some reason but I dismissed it.

Well we're on speaking terms again and to anyone looking in from the outside it would seem as if we were probably still together or something and that nothing had gone wrong between us. It almost feels that way sometimes to me too actually. I'm not sure why but whatever we had built since I met him seems to be way stronger than anything we've gone through. I guess if one ever finds someone like that and builds something like that, one should hold on to it with everything they have. I don't know how to define the relationship we have now. Don't know whether to call him a friend or not. It just doesn't feel right to define our relationship under some sort of banner anymore. It is what it is meant to be.

It's good that we can talk like we used to. I missed that a lot. Really I did. I've managed to somehow move passed everything that has happened over the last 2 or so months. I cannot change what happened but I won't allow it to hold me prisoner for the rest of my life. I mean that's what forgiveness is right?! I have more good things to look forward to in my life and I refuse to dwell on the bad. All may be forgiven and I'm trying my hardest to forget too but like I said, time is how I can do it.

It seems to be obvious that I'm still crazy about him but that too can be somehow managed. Not too sure bout everything that's on his mind though and I won't ask either. If I'm meant to know, I will. If I'm not, it won't bother me either. After all he is and will remain the father of my beautiful baby girl. She doesn't need to grow up with parents that are at each others throats all the time. She needs loving and supportive parents who are able to have a constructive relationship with each other.

I really won't try to justify my relationship with him to anyone because everyone I know wants to kill him and I don't blame them. People will think what they want to without me there and that is how life is I guess. I'm trying my hardest to make this work best for everyone involved, no matter how small your role in my life is. All I can do right now is see where this boat takes me and pray that I won't be left drowning again..