Firsts

19 November 2012

05:20 PM

Hi, my name is Mel and I'm crazy. *crowd replies*,"Hiiii Mel"


Lol… sorry just wanted to be random. You won't believe how much I've missed blogging! No one can say I didn't try though. It's just unbelievable when internet isn't free. so let's talk. How've you guys been?! Me?! Oh, I've been awesome. I can't tell you how much becoming a mother has changed me. I would do anything for this beautiful angel in my life. Boy has she grown! Did I mention that she's walking on her own now? Yes I said it! Aiko is fully mobile! At 9 and a half months even!


I've gotta tell you how it happened though! So Aiko started standing up at about 5 months old. Walking with support by 7 months. Crawling between 6 months and the present time and just last Friday( November 16th, 2012), she took her first unsupported steps to freedom and independence! I was both shocked and SHOCKED! Hehehehehe.. So every night before we go to sleep, Aiko and I usually spend the evening watching TV with my brothers in their room and Friday night was no different. Well, except the fact that Aiko was still up at 22h00. Anyhu, I decided that it was time for us to go to bed since TV was boring at this time and we had to be up early the next day. Seeing as my room is right next to my brothers' room, it isn't much of a distance there. As I was still talking to Guy, Aiko noticed Jean( my youngest brother) at the computer fast asleep. It wasn't him that enticed her though, it was the light from the computer. At the time, she was standing and holding onto my leg. Without warning she let go and started walking towards Jean, I turned around to look at her and thought I was dreaming because right there before my eyes was a walking 9 month old! I was like huh?! She took a few steps before falling flat ion her bum and giving herself a round of applause. It took my brain a very long time to even compute what on earth was going on! Hehehehehe.. Once I did compute, I went buck! I was so excited I ran up and down the house telling everyone what had just happened. My dad was beaming. My brothers looked like death and Aiko was just smiling at me. Lol… I didn't care though. I saw my daughter's first steps!


Ever since then all she wants to do now is walk, crawl and make as much noise as possible but I don't care. She's put me on a high that no one can take me down from for a while! I love it!

COMEBACK SEASON

07 September 2012

04:05 PM

I'M BAAAAACCK! That's right. Melissa is back and better than ever. I know, I know you guys missed me but I needed to take a hiatus and sort my life out big time. So here is the update for those who want to know and if you don't?! Well just suck it up and read dammit!

Last time any of you heard from me was in march. I was still in a bad space, not too bad but bad nonetheless but THANK GOODNESS for my daughter because she was the light at the end of my dark tunnel that I finally reached! Yay me! I am truly happier, healthier and more whole. I can't go back to who I used to be because the old me wasn't a mother. I'm loving life and life is loving me.

Last time you heard anything Aiko was only 2 months old. She's 7 months old now and she is the happiest, healthiest, loving, energetic, funny little girl. She brings so much joy to everyone here at home, that you can't help but smile. Did I mention how loud she's become?! I didn't?! Ah this child is loud. She's got so much to say and she tries to cram everything into 1 minute. My poor ears are still ringing from her screaming 3 weeks ago hehehehehe.. She also wants to start walking before she can even crawl properly. My child is so ahead of the curve that she's practically gone around the bend Lol… (Yes, I said it!). And her smile! Oh my word! Kills me every time. Lol… and sometimes she flashes it when she knows she's guilty of something. I can walk into a room, she'll look up and smile at me as if she's guilty of a crime. That cracks me up every time she does it because I check what it is she was doing.

On the other side of the spectrum, don't talk to A* much anymore. It seems we've hit that portion where he lives his life with his family and I live mine with Aiko. They don't see much of each other which I already predicted would happen a long time ago(if anyone remembers my previous posts). Don't doubt my powers of foresight. It doesn't really bother me much anymore because at least she has some males around her. They may not be her father but they're doing a great job. I doubt she even knows the difference right now except that mommy is around. Oh did I mention she's started to mouth out "mama"?! Like I'm not joking even my mother has heard her say it! It's pretty cool.

Got myself a job too. Saving up to go back to school next year. Going to study linguistics. My aunt believes that's where I should be and I don't doubt the woman because she earns a living in career counselling. Going to use my salary to pay for school seeing as the fees at UNISA are not going to drive me into crazy debt. I'm so excited that I'll be studying and it will be easier seeing as Aiko will be a proper little toddler next year. I'll be enrolling her into a crèche so at least she can start making friends and start playing with other children her age. Didn't think I'd be so excited to see my child going to school but it is another phase I must prepare myself for. AHHHHHHHH I LOVE MY KID!

Soon I'll be marking a year since the whole break up happened and the truth came out and when I think about how I was a year ago(a true emotional wreck) and how I am now, I'm grateful for what happened because it has made me a stronger person than I thought I could ever be. There were times when I thought I really couldn't make it but through prayer and the support of my family and friends, I am here today. And not just them I should thank everyone else also in my life who gave me words of encouragement or just took the time to read my blog. Thank you. It's been an absolute rollercoaster but it's one I guess I had to be on. It's a few days until my birthday and I'm excited. Not only at the prospect of turning older but at the prospect that there's more for me in life. Bigger, better and greater things are coming my way so it's only up from here!

Hope you're all good. Will update soon

Over and out

22 weeks

02 July 2012

02:37 PM

Motherhood. That's all I have to say about the matter. I love every second, minute and hour I spend with my little nunukins, except when she's being difficult because then I have to exercise heavenly patience with her but I'm not complaining. The past 22 weeks have taught me so much and it's as if I'm relearning what the world is like all over again and seeing it with fresh eyes.

She's growing so fast and I'm amazed at fast time has flown by. My hart seems to have healed from all the pain too. Well phase one is complete, started phase two: moving on. There's no question that I'll always have strong feelings for the guy but I've made peace with the fact that it was all in God's plan. He knew what He was doing even when I didn't and He truly only has my best interests at heart. So I'm putting my best single mother foot forward and living my life the best way I know how, in the moment. So seeing as it's been a century since I've posted up anything I thought it was time to share some of what has been going on in the life and times of ME! Hehehe..

So I'm still single, no prospects as yet (woah people, this is not cause for alarm! You can put the pitchforks and torches down, there will be no mob justice tonight). I think I like being single. Actually, being single is the only comfort zone I've really ever known in my very short life( yes, no joke. I've been more single than I've been involved. My track record speaks for itself). I like it here. There's no stress, no romancing, no false promises, no earth-shattering kisses… well basically there's nothing here except selfless fun, or something like that.

Aiko has started teething in earnest now. It seems to be irritating her a lot and I can only imagine what she is going through. She's chewing on whatever she can reach to put into her mouth. It's cute and all until she starts crying her lungs out. Oh well, but we must go through this if we wanna see some pearly whites in that mouth of hers. We're getting there.

She did the most exciting thing yesterday! She rolled over on her own. I started screaming in such excitement that she looked at me, laughed and gave me the look saying "this woman is crazy". Lol… didn't much care, I was just sooooo proud of her. It's amazing how the little things she does get me so excited. I love it!

Still the same

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

22:35 PM

Was just in the bath and having my many wonderful realisations, it occurred to me how no one seems to be listening to what I really say when I talk. Well except one person (Busi you don't count). I can say a lot with just 2 words and I don't force people to listen to me and not just hear what I say but actually listen! Ok, just had to get it off my chest.

Ok, on to the real issue here. Ever feel like there's that one person in your life that just gets to you no matter how much you try for them not to?! I mean I was on Facebook earlier and I saw something my ex posted up about the new found silence in the house because his fiancé and child are gone and m heart just sank so low in my chest that I half expected to give birth to it. And while I was reading that, I had little Layla asleep in my arms so you can just imagine. It occurred to me in that moment though that it would never be us. In fact, I feel that way every time I read such related things. *Sigh* and he doesn't get why I always refer to Layla as "my baby" even when I'm talking to him. Reason is because, as I see it, I'm almost basically doing it on my own. The most constant male figures she'll have for her entire life will truthfully be my brothers and dad. She will probably only have her father around when he can be. And honestly speaking, I don't think that won't be very often which is rather saddening as a mother but I can't really do much about it except be there for her any way I can.

So to the universe, I don't know if I can stand and fight for something that will clearly not happen even though I want to( Tammy if you're reading this, I kinda still did have  some hope). I'm out of energy to fight for someone who has let me go. As actions speak louder than words so have his shouted at me and now I'm all tapped out. It's as if I'm watching myself think and feel all these things from outside my own body now... It's best I leave this battle alone to resolve itself and come what may, I'll be ok.

Before you lose her...

11 March 2012

01:16 PM

This was one of my friends statuses(Kelly van Weren) on Facebook and it just hit a nerve with me when I read it because there was just so much truth in what she wrote. So being me, I want to share it with as many people as I can. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did…

Any girl can be in love and be someone's "girl" but not every girl can be someone's "girlfriend". Love lasts forever. Being in love is only temporary because when he can't buy a birthday gift or a valentines gift and take you to nice dinners and pick you up from work or campus. When he doesn't have money to buy airtime to call you, or to buy his BIS to bbm or update his Facebook status about you, and when he hasn't worn new clothes in a while and looks a bit shabby, and romantic dates become crying sessions and he needs a shoulder more than you, and he feels like he's not good enough due to the circumstances.

Guys: It's not the "girl" that's going to be beside you, because she'll be gone the minute you send her a PCM. It's the girlfriend that will call back in an anxious tone worried if something bad has happened to you. It's the girlfriend that will settle for a McDonald’s happy meal when you can't take her to Piatto. It's the girlfriend that will appreciate a Cadbury chocolate when you can't get her favourite Lindt truffles, and it's the girlfriend that will buy you a new t-shirt when she only has money for her shoes just to see you smile. It's the girlfriend that won't mind taking a taxi so that she can wipe your tear, and who'll share her R30 airtime so you both can have. It's this very girlfriend who becomes the woman standing opposite you at the altar in her white dress and who never misses a school concert and makes excuses for you when the kid asks, "where's daddy?". It's this girlfriend that makes a meal from oil and flour and hands it to you with a smile. It's this girlfriend that sees you beyond your temporary situation and your current three figure bank balance.

To the girls: which one are you? The woman standing at the altar in her white dress or the lady sitting in the crowd planning on catching the bouquet?

To the guys: Have you found a girl or a girlfriend? Because the girl is only there when it's good, but the girlfriend is there when it's good=girl and when it's bad= friend. Because a relationship based on a friendship is the one you wanna spend your time working on...

I'm the girlfriend in the white dress waiting at the altar for the groom to realise I exist...

Nightmare...

Sunday, 11 March 2012

12:37 PM

For the first time in months, I'm angry. I mean really angry that I want to inflict some pain on a few people in my life. I guess my notion of bottling up my anger has backfired because I'm feeling something that is months (yes, MONTHS) overdue. And what makes it worse is that my anger frustrates me big time and my frustration is making me feel bitter.

I'm not sure why I'm even starting to feel a whiff of this but a small part of me is really feeling bitter, not better. It feels like I'm hanging on by a prayer and a miracle right now. One moment I'm awesome and couldn't be better. Next I'm just so withdrawn. And the fact that I'm feeling this anger with every inch of my being scares me.

I still pretend to be ok sometimes even when I'm not but I do it anyway. Don't want to answer more questions about how I feel. Makes no difference anymore. I even think my besties are tired of hearing about how I feel (I said THINK). Maybe it's my sudden hormone imbalance. Nah... That's not the reason. I only got the shot this past Wednesday. *sigh* CAN SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF! I can't believe this at all… (….hold on Layla just woke up….)…

Instead of e becoming better, I seem to be drifting in the opposite direction. That's not good. That's not good at all especially for me because I HATE holding on to things. More so if it's something that went terribly wrong. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm being held at arm’s length. Was taking to Thandi the other day and the thing that became apparent, is I don't need any more inconsistencies this year. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong and at the end of the day, I'm feeling more and more unlike someone I know which, again, FRUSTRATES ME!

I cried out all I could cry out and now I need to find a way to work through the residual anger that I'm now experiencing because it's not fair. It's not fair at all for me, Layla and everyone else that I'm this emotional MONTHS later. My only problem is that I just don't know how I can work through the anger. I need suggestions on something to do...

I hate feeling like this. I just want to scream!!!!!!

HELP ME! :(

Change

Monday, 27 February 2012

23:00 PM

I haven't been so close to tear sin months but tonight was just something else and I couldn't pin point exactly why. Maybe it's a culmination of the last 3 months that just got to me.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last 2 months and I've made up my mind on what to do from this point on. What I truly believe is best for Aiko and I in the long term. Jo'burg has been my home town for as long as I can remember. This is the place I grew up in and it is the place where I met some of the greatest people in my life and I love this place but I don't feel as if there is anything left here for me anymore. No... I know there isn't. I don't want to be a burden on my parents any longer than I should. So, making the biggest and most decision of my young adult life, I've decided to give my new family (Aiko and I) a chance to start a fresh.

A new city, a new environment and a brand new breed of people. A place away from all the pain and bad memories that Jo'burg seems to now have. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. Nothing really seems to tie me here anymore. My heart is set on cape-town. The best place for me to reinvent myself and come back a better me. I'm not saying this change is going to be an easy one seeing as I know virtually very few people in the cape, but I know it will be the right one. I would be starting from scratch.

Don't be fooled though. This is not me running away (ok, maybe in a way it is) but this is me crying out for a breath of fresh air. I truly feel like I'm suffocating being so close to him, what happened and every other damn thing that seems to have gone wrong. This is my opportunity to finally break free and say "Look world! I'm doing it on my own and I'm doing it well!". It will also give me the opportunity to wholly forgive myself for getting myself into this situation (notice how I think it's my fault). Maybe to some extent it is for not reading the signs. Ahhhhhh Mel! *kicks self* STOP IT!

If all my prep goes well, I plan to leave after my birthday. That will give me a chance to tie up any loose ends I have left here so I don't have anything hanging over my head. I know this will need some heavy, heavy prayer so do lend a knee every once in a while if you can. God will work in a mighty way. That's just how he rolls.

#Praying for miracles