Still the same

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

22:35 PM

Was just in the bath and having my many wonderful realisations, it occurred to me how no one seems to be listening to what I really say when I talk. Well except one person (Busi you don't count). I can say a lot with just 2 words and I don't force people to listen to me and not just hear what I say but actually listen! Ok, just had to get it off my chest.

Ok, on to the real issue here. Ever feel like there's that one person in your life that just gets to you no matter how much you try for them not to?! I mean I was on Facebook earlier and I saw something my ex posted up about the new found silence in the house because his fiancé and child are gone and m heart just sank so low in my chest that I half expected to give birth to it. And while I was reading that, I had little Layla asleep in my arms so you can just imagine. It occurred to me in that moment though that it would never be us. In fact, I feel that way every time I read such related things. *Sigh* and he doesn't get why I always refer to Layla as "my baby" even when I'm talking to him. Reason is because, as I see it, I'm almost basically doing it on my own. The most constant male figures she'll have for her entire life will truthfully be my brothers and dad. She will probably only have her father around when he can be. And honestly speaking, I don't think that won't be very often which is rather saddening as a mother but I can't really do much about it except be there for her any way I can.

So to the universe, I don't know if I can stand and fight for something that will clearly not happen even though I want to( Tammy if you're reading this, I kinda still did have  some hope). I'm out of energy to fight for someone who has let me go. As actions speak louder than words so have his shouted at me and now I'm all tapped out. It's as if I'm watching myself think and feel all these things from outside my own body now... It's best I leave this battle alone to resolve itself and come what may, I'll be ok.