Still the same

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

22:35 PM

Was just in the bath and having my many wonderful realisations, it occurred to me how no one seems to be listening to what I really say when I talk. Well except one person (Busi you don't count). I can say a lot with just 2 words and I don't force people to listen to me and not just hear what I say but actually listen! Ok, just had to get it off my chest.

Ok, on to the real issue here. Ever feel like there's that one person in your life that just gets to you no matter how much you try for them not to?! I mean I was on Facebook earlier and I saw something my ex posted up about the new found silence in the house because his fiancé and child are gone and m heart just sank so low in my chest that I half expected to give birth to it. And while I was reading that, I had little Layla asleep in my arms so you can just imagine. It occurred to me in that moment though that it would never be us. In fact, I feel that way every time I read such related things. *Sigh* and he doesn't get why I always refer to Layla as "my baby" even when I'm talking to him. Reason is because, as I see it, I'm almost basically doing it on my own. The most constant male figures she'll have for her entire life will truthfully be my brothers and dad. She will probably only have her father around when he can be. And honestly speaking, I don't think that won't be very often which is rather saddening as a mother but I can't really do much about it except be there for her any way I can.

So to the universe, I don't know if I can stand and fight for something that will clearly not happen even though I want to( Tammy if you're reading this, I kinda still did have  some hope). I'm out of energy to fight for someone who has let me go. As actions speak louder than words so have his shouted at me and now I'm all tapped out. It's as if I'm watching myself think and feel all these things from outside my own body now... It's best I leave this battle alone to resolve itself and come what may, I'll be ok.

Before you lose her...

11 March 2012

01:16 PM

This was one of my friends statuses(Kelly van Weren) on Facebook and it just hit a nerve with me when I read it because there was just so much truth in what she wrote. So being me, I want to share it with as many people as I can. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did…

Any girl can be in love and be someone's "girl" but not every girl can be someone's "girlfriend". Love lasts forever. Being in love is only temporary because when he can't buy a birthday gift or a valentines gift and take you to nice dinners and pick you up from work or campus. When he doesn't have money to buy airtime to call you, or to buy his BIS to bbm or update his Facebook status about you, and when he hasn't worn new clothes in a while and looks a bit shabby, and romantic dates become crying sessions and he needs a shoulder more than you, and he feels like he's not good enough due to the circumstances.

Guys: It's not the "girl" that's going to be beside you, because she'll be gone the minute you send her a PCM. It's the girlfriend that will call back in an anxious tone worried if something bad has happened to you. It's the girlfriend that will settle for a McDonald’s happy meal when you can't take her to Piatto. It's the girlfriend that will appreciate a Cadbury chocolate when you can't get her favourite Lindt truffles, and it's the girlfriend that will buy you a new t-shirt when she only has money for her shoes just to see you smile. It's the girlfriend that won't mind taking a taxi so that she can wipe your tear, and who'll share her R30 airtime so you both can have. It's this very girlfriend who becomes the woman standing opposite you at the altar in her white dress and who never misses a school concert and makes excuses for you when the kid asks, "where's daddy?". It's this girlfriend that makes a meal from oil and flour and hands it to you with a smile. It's this girlfriend that sees you beyond your temporary situation and your current three figure bank balance.

To the girls: which one are you? The woman standing at the altar in her white dress or the lady sitting in the crowd planning on catching the bouquet?

To the guys: Have you found a girl or a girlfriend? Because the girl is only there when it's good, but the girlfriend is there when it's good=girl and when it's bad= friend. Because a relationship based on a friendship is the one you wanna spend your time working on...

I'm the girlfriend in the white dress waiting at the altar for the groom to realise I exist...

Nightmare...

Sunday, 11 March 2012

12:37 PM

For the first time in months, I'm angry. I mean really angry that I want to inflict some pain on a few people in my life. I guess my notion of bottling up my anger has backfired because I'm feeling something that is months (yes, MONTHS) overdue. And what makes it worse is that my anger frustrates me big time and my frustration is making me feel bitter.

I'm not sure why I'm even starting to feel a whiff of this but a small part of me is really feeling bitter, not better. It feels like I'm hanging on by a prayer and a miracle right now. One moment I'm awesome and couldn't be better. Next I'm just so withdrawn. And the fact that I'm feeling this anger with every inch of my being scares me.

I still pretend to be ok sometimes even when I'm not but I do it anyway. Don't want to answer more questions about how I feel. Makes no difference anymore. I even think my besties are tired of hearing about how I feel (I said THINK). Maybe it's my sudden hormone imbalance. Nah... That's not the reason. I only got the shot this past Wednesday. *sigh* CAN SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF! I can't believe this at all… (….hold on Layla just woke up….)…

Instead of e becoming better, I seem to be drifting in the opposite direction. That's not good. That's not good at all especially for me because I HATE holding on to things. More so if it's something that went terribly wrong. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm being held at arm’s length. Was taking to Thandi the other day and the thing that became apparent, is I don't need any more inconsistencies this year. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong and at the end of the day, I'm feeling more and more unlike someone I know which, again, FRUSTRATES ME!

I cried out all I could cry out and now I need to find a way to work through the residual anger that I'm now experiencing because it's not fair. It's not fair at all for me, Layla and everyone else that I'm this emotional MONTHS later. My only problem is that I just don't know how I can work through the anger. I need suggestions on something to do...

I hate feeling like this. I just want to scream!!!!!!

HELP ME! :(

Change

Monday, 27 February 2012

23:00 PM

I haven't been so close to tear sin months but tonight was just something else and I couldn't pin point exactly why. Maybe it's a culmination of the last 3 months that just got to me.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last 2 months and I've made up my mind on what to do from this point on. What I truly believe is best for Aiko and I in the long term. Jo'burg has been my home town for as long as I can remember. This is the place I grew up in and it is the place where I met some of the greatest people in my life and I love this place but I don't feel as if there is anything left here for me anymore. No... I know there isn't. I don't want to be a burden on my parents any longer than I should. So, making the biggest and most decision of my young adult life, I've decided to give my new family (Aiko and I) a chance to start a fresh.

A new city, a new environment and a brand new breed of people. A place away from all the pain and bad memories that Jo'burg seems to now have. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. Nothing really seems to tie me here anymore. My heart is set on cape-town. The best place for me to reinvent myself and come back a better me. I'm not saying this change is going to be an easy one seeing as I know virtually very few people in the cape, but I know it will be the right one. I would be starting from scratch.

Don't be fooled though. This is not me running away (ok, maybe in a way it is) but this is me crying out for a breath of fresh air. I truly feel like I'm suffocating being so close to him, what happened and every other damn thing that seems to have gone wrong. This is my opportunity to finally break free and say "Look world! I'm doing it on my own and I'm doing it well!". It will also give me the opportunity to wholly forgive myself for getting myself into this situation (notice how I think it's my fault). Maybe to some extent it is for not reading the signs. Ahhhhhh Mel! *kicks self* STOP IT!

If all my prep goes well, I plan to leave after my birthday. That will give me a chance to tie up any loose ends I have left here so I don't have anything hanging over my head. I know this will need some heavy, heavy prayer so do lend a knee every once in a while if you can. God will work in a mighty way. That's just how he rolls.

#Praying for miracles