Mom returns….

Monday, 19 December 2011

14:45 PM

*Sigh* and here we go again with this nonsense and I know I do not under any circumstances have the strength to be dealing with this. Alright so there's been some good news. We found my mom on Saturday afternoon and that's been a relief to everyone here at home but then again now we return to the same bullshit we've gone through with her before she left.

You can say that my excitement at her return, well, doesn't exist at all. My brothers don't seem all that happy bout it either and the fact that she refuses treatment isn't helping anyone either. Had my aunt shouting at me yesterday bout her even. Not cool. Not cool at all. I fear that if my stress levels shoot through the roof then I may end up in the emergency ward…

Yea that was my little update on the matter.. Done.

When I'm gone

Sunday, 11 December 2011

19:30 PM

When I'm gone, you'll know that I've left.

I will announce it but the lack of my presence will be felt by every portion of your being.

My last goodbye will echo in your mind for years to come.

there will be a void where my love and presence used to be.

The silence will be deafening.

I will not come back.

I will not call.

I will not breathe for you.

I speak this to you now so you know.

So you don't live on hope.

Do not miss me because I'm not there.

Miss me because I made an impact in your life.

Do not cry for me because I won't be able to cry for you.

Do not forget me for you will always live in my heart but learn  to live without me.

I'm gone.

My memory will live on through you.

Through the love I had for you.

you will testify to all those that will listen that I was here.

I was with you.

I loved you…

Remember me…

Closing chapters

Saturday, 10 December 2011

17:10 PM

I seriously thought today would be harder than it actually turned out to be. Woke up this morning with my heart pounding out of my chest as if trying to escape and leave me to my own devices for the day. That's literally how scared I was to be doing what I needed to do today.

Went to go return the things of his I had and to collect the cds I had given him. When I arrived there I for real didn't know what to say to him. I guess it was the same on his part because the whole thing was very awkward. Everything about this morning was awkward and I guess I was ok with it. Best thing is I didn't cry. Didn't even have the urge to. I knew this was it basically and the likelihood of us ever seeing each other again was pretty slim. We discussed some stuff about Aiko and other miscellaneous things we had to get out of the way and that was it. When I left I felt a little lighter. I don't know it's almost like that entire visit was the closure I needed from this whole situation and has enabled me to let him go. Once and for all. That's a big step. It's one thing to say I'm letting go but to actually do the action is another and I'm proud of myself for it. I LET A* GO! I guess now that I've hit my rock bottom and I've appreciated my time down here but now it's time to claw myself back up.

I had one of those AHA! Moments when I was in the cab. The end of you fighting for someone you love is the beginning of fighting for your greatest love, yourself. I guess now I have more reason to fight for me and most importantly to fight for my baby girl. She deserves the best and I'll make sure of that come hell, high water or the "end of the world". Mommy will make sure that her baby is happy no matter what life may throw our way. My job is to be strong now. I will live positively and be humble. The Lord has blessed me with so much in my adversity and everyday I will thank him for it.

Great things await me in 2012 and by this time next year, you guys will be reading about the great things I will be doing and will have done. That is my promise to me, Aiko and you. This is not the end of my story. It is just the end of another great/disappointing chapter. There is still so much more left for me. I am not done here. I will not be done here. Life still has so much in store for me…

Let today mark the day when Melissa M. Boguo became a grown woman. Strong in character and in truth.

There's a difference between goodbye and letting go. Goodbye is "I'll see you later when I'm ready to hold your hand and when you're ready to hold mine. Letting go is, "I'll miss your hand. I realise it's not mine to hold and I will never hold it again…"

A mother's promise

Friday, 09 December 2011

18:18 PM

Finally found this track yesterday. Love this song! It's basically my promise to my baby, myself and everyone in my life that has been there for me. Footprints in the Sand by Leona Lewis is a very powerful track and without it playing in my ear for the last 2 days, I wouldn't have been able to realise some important things. Yes, God has blessed me enough to give me a child and if it's the last thing I do, I will always be there for her no matter how rough life gets, how long the road is and even how much of myself I must sacrifice. The beauty of unconditional love...

You walked with me

Footprints in the sand

And helped me understand

Where I’m going

You walked with me

When I was all alone

With so much I no along the way

Then I heard you say

I promise you

I’m always there

When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair

I’ll carry you

When you need a friend

You’ll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life

Flash across the sky

So many times have I

Been so afraid ooh

And just when I

Have thought I’ve lost my way

You give me strength to carry on

That’s when I heard you say

I promise you

I’m always there

When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair

I’ll carry you

When you need a friend

You’ll find my footprints in the sand

When I’m weary

Well I no you’ll be there

And I can feel you

When you say

I promise you

I’m always there

When your heart is full of sadness and despair

I’ll carry you

When you need a friend

You’ll find my footprints in the sand x 2

Anxiety

Thursday, 08 December 2011

18:07 PM

Today was rather hard when I woke up again. I'm really trying to get over the emptiness I feel every morning but it's so hard. So, so hard. But all I can do is try and trying is what I'm not giving up on. I feel like I don't know where Melissa went but I'm looking for her. I will find her because I cannot let myself be defined by what he did to me. I cannot feel like a victim anymore. There is too much good in my life to allow this to finally defeat me. I've been through way too much to remain down. Yes my heart is still filled with sorrow and despair but I will get better.

Too many tears have been shed and slowly with the help of all the people in my life, I'm slowly realising my strength. And it is this strength that my daughter will know. I'm going through my emotions as they come and I feel them completely. i don't let myself try to forget what I'm feeling. If I am to move forward then I owe it to myself to do it.

The big day is getting closer and closer. Today I had a pretty strong Braxton Hicks contraction. Braxton Hicks contractions are the false contractions that a pregnant woman feels indicating that labour is approaching. My body is starting to prepare itself for the upcoming trip to the hospital. The closer the big day gets, the more anxious I feel. I'm not to sure why though. Actually no, I have some idea. Oh well, the wishing helps nothing.

Well this little one growing inside me has become rather feisty lately and I'm not sure whether it's because she's getting excited to finally get out of there or whether she's trying to make more space in there. Either way she's having more fun than me. oooooooohhhhh… there it goes again. Another contraction. Eh will I be prepared when the real ones come?! But I'm excited  either  way and with the overwhelming support I'm receiving right now, I know I'm going to enjoy the experience

When love becomes poison

Tuesday, 06 December 2011

17:35 PM

*Sigh*… if I thought this weekend was bad because of A* then I was mistaken. Last night was even worse and I'm not talking about on a normal level but on a level like I have never experienced and which I never want to experience ever again.

Have you ever meant so little to someone that at the end of it all you feel so used and brutalised that you don't know where you're going anymore or who you even are because of it?! I opened my heart to someone who has made me feel exactly like that. Lower than the ground I walk on. I didn't go looking for any of this last night but I guess it came looking for me. I was fine. Or at least I was on the road there until she contacted me. I didn't want to talk to her so I ignored her message but she kept on insisting until finally she said the thing that pissed me off and not only at her but at him too.

I quote.. " well in that case I'm gonna talk! Mellisa( Chick has the nik naks to spell my name wrong even) I truly don't understand what you are trying to do! I've asked you if you want Aubrey back. And you never gave me a straight answer! What do you want him to do?! Isn't it enough that he's part of Aiko's life?! Do you want him to leave me to come to you?!he's not your boyfriend! I don't understand why you tend to demand so much! Did he hold a gun and force you to open your legs?! Did you think his cum was cream?! You are as responsible as he is for this baby! Look I know it's tough but hey such is life!! It's really annoying when I try to build something with my boyfriend and you just come along and rip it apart! Just say what you want!"

Ok wow.. Still to this moment I'm shocked at the gall of this chick. To send someone that as if you know what's really going on?! Worst part of this whole thing is I asked him exactly what the hell was going on because I didn't get it! Know what he does? He want to start a group chat about it! But it was beautiful how this all went down. Really it was because not only did he not defend her calling me "desperate and out to get her", he fucken also added to it to eventually make me out to be well, "the bitter baby mama". That's just great right?! But it didn't end there. He flat out denied the shit that had been happening since the break up and he got back in contact with me. I never asked him to call me. I never asked him to "miss Aiko and I", I never asked him to "still love" me or even "want to have a normal relationship" with me. I never asked him to tell me that "one day our daughter would have his surname and so would I". I never asked him to kiss me out of the blue because he "missed me a lot". I never asked him to "want to spend time with" me because it wasn't "the same not having me around anymore". I never asked him to proclaim my pregnancy to his friends or even his best friends mom! I NEVER asked you to say what you did to me! Never ever did I do such. I never asked you to kidnap me in the middle of the night and NEVER did I ask you to tell me it would "work out eventually for us"!

It's true what they say that love can make you stupid and truly I was taken for a ride. The most painful ride of my life in fact all because it was convenient and a game to Aubrey! I should've never believed you but then again, I should've never started to trust you again after the breakup! That was rather stupid of me.

Last night was the last knock for me. I decided that I no longer want him to be apart of our lives anymore. I truly still did believe in him even after it all but last night that disappeared too. I no longer believe in him. I no longer trust him and soon I will no longer love him either. When that happens to anyone in my life, they die in my eyes. I was willing to at least let him have a relationship with Aiko but I can no longer do that. She is no longer our baby but my baby. His sperm may have been involved in creating her but that will be where it ends. I cannot for any reason subject her to this messed up dynamic. It's not healthy for her, it's not healthy for me and it's not healthy for to build any sort of life from it. I was pretty angry at them both last night. So angry in fact that I didn't care whether what I said hurt him or not. I just don't. I see now that everything I had given him was wasted on him. EVERYTHING was wasted. I wasted my time, I wasted my life, I wasted my love and I wasted even bothering to care. But that's why people love me right?! I can do that with anyone and not expect anything back. I don't know why I suddenly did in this situation. Why I expected more from someone who couldn't have cared less to at least respect me enough not to lie to me is beyond me. I don't regret much in my life but I'm starting to regret this. Regret actually wasting love. But I won't because I'm now blessed with one of the greatest miracles known to man. The gift of a child. My child.

But I've learnt from this because people are in your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. A* was in my life for a reason. I do not know that reason yet but one day I will. One day when I look back upon this moment, I hope I'll be strong enough to appreciate what it did to make me a brighter and better me. I don't wish those two any bad things because that's not how I was raised. I hope my daughter turns out to be nothing like her father in character or personality and if I manage to achieve that raising her, then I would consider it a successful job. I'm not bitter or hurt anymore by this. I'm just numb. Numb to all the words and feelings.

One day when you think about us, I hope it brings tears to your eyes and I mean real tears. I'm not saying this in a hurtful or mean way but one day when you think of your first born out there somewhere in the world, living and growing happily, I hope you realize how the selfish and childish decisions you made resulted in this. You won't know what she looks like, what type of person she is or even if she has your talents. All I can give you is her birth date. Every year that passes and every time that date comes, you'll know that your daughter has grown but you won't know by how much. I will not bother you with requests for money or anything of the sort because as you've proven so far, you're not interested in helping out that way which is fine by me. By the grace of God, I will manage and I will make a success of my life for my sake and hers.

God works in mysterious ways. I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes of this disaster and fulfill my destiny of greatness because that is what God has predestined for my life. There is no need for me to be bitter or sad about this anymore because my Father in heaven will have vengeance on my part. I feel better now…

Thank God for Tammy, Palesa, Thandi and Busi. Friends that know the true meaning of unconditional love because they're still standing by my side and are willing to do everything in their power to make sure I get where I need to be. It's our child and Aiko Gabriella Matsoso-Jacobs-Tshabalala-Boguo is the luckiest girl in the world to get to opportunity to be raised by these beautiful souls...

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

Betrayed

Sunday, 04 December 2011

16:17 PM

I found this poem in one of my books recently and it amazed me how when I wrote if a few years ago how true it would ring in my life currently…

Betrayed

One moment that caused my heart to tear

The pyramid of lies finally revealed and shattered into pieces

My life had finally reached a climax that I did not want

Those eyes felt like a double edged sword being plunged into my chest

That moment felt so unreal as

I stood there as if in a dream

The moment was nothing as they always gossiped about,

It was worse

The world was spinning out of control

The air was sucked from my lungs

The tears stung my fragile eyes

That was the moment I had been… betrayed.

By Melissa M. Boguo

Funny how it's all so true...

As we grow up...

Sunday, 04 December 2011

15:51 PM

As we grow up, we learn that the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You will have your heart broken. You will fight with your best friend. You will blame your new lover for the things the old one did. You will cry because time is passing so fast and you will eventually find someone to love. So take 2 pictures, laugh too much and love. Love like you have never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend upset is 1 minute of happiness you will never get back. Find a partner who will call you beautiful instead of hot. Who calls you back when you hang up. Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep! Wait for the person who kisses you on the forehead, who wants to hold your hand in front of everyone. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how lucky they are to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "This is the one"

I thought I had found that but life never goes as one expects…

LIVE, LOVE, LEARN

Hurt

Sunday, 04 December 2011

15:19

The last 24 hours have turned out to be one of the hardest I've had to deal with in a few weeks. After my disappointment yesterday morning, I spoke to him last night. I don't think he really understood why I reacted the way I did until I showed it to him. I think he finally gets it. Gets how much of a mess I really am because of him.

I cried myself to sleep last night and even when I woke up 2 hours after finally falling asleep, I was still crying. This past week marked 2 very important dates that have changed my life. Monday marked exactly a year, to the day, since I lost my virginity and Tuesday would've been our anniversary. I use would've lightly. Now it marks the day that my heart was shattered into a million pieces 2 months ago. That's what the 29th now means. Sad right?! And now December will mark two things also. The birth of my beautiful daughter and a year since I officially fell in love with him. Truly sad how this all unfolded for me.

Worst of all is that I didn't choose the path I'm currently on. He chose it for me when he made that split second decision over a year ago that has reaped consequences now. I feel like I lost my power to that because I had no say in how things have finally turned out. Last night though, I feel like I somehow regained some of that power back. I will probably always love him and deep down inside a flame will always burn for him but I won't have hope about us anymore. Love is one thing but having hope is another and love and hope combined allow for a great expectation that once not filled, leave you with a series of disappointments that you half expected but didn't allow yourself  to expect would happen.

I'm letting him go. Everything he's said to me since we met till this point I cannot erase even if I tried. Those words will forever be burned into the hallways of my memory forever. One thing I know about love is that it's not meant to make you miserable and the day it does, you have to let go completely.

A*, you will never let her go for me. That's the truth and you know it too. At the end of the day I'm a casualty of war in your life and now I have to put a name to who I am in your life too. I am your ex and the mother of your first born. That is what I will be until the day he sun stops shining and the earth stops spinning. Someday I hope our daughter never has to go through the pain I'm experiencing with you ever in her precious life. It is my job to make it so. And if she does, I hope she will find strength from my journey to rise from the ashes of the pain. Like the hook of our song go… Love is my problem and nothing will solve it( Trae the Truth ft Dream- Love vs. Money). It's true. Nothing will solve that problem for me, not now or ever. I know you wanna try and be there for us but even I know that you won't be. Something will come up to prevent it and I doubt you'd suddenly become superman. One family must be sacrificed for the happiness of the other and I can already feel that Aiko and I are the sacrificial lambs when those moments arise. So far I've managed to do this on my own without you around and for a good part of my life, I will be doing it alone. That is just how the cookie has seemed to crumble.

My friends, god bless their souls, are trying their utmost best to be there for me when it's possible but let's face it… they also have lives to live. Same goes for my family. No matter how much people wanna be there for me, I know they won't be there 100% of the time so I'm travelling this road on my own. Life has a funny way of making you realize these things when you least expect it and when you do, it's harder than you thought it would be.

I guess someone has done a lot of growing up this year...

The secret to a happy life is not getting what you want but wanting what you've got...

Saturday blues

Saturday, 03 December 2011

22:27 PM

What a day I seemed to have. If I wasn't being blown off then I was walking and if I wasn't doing that I was fighting back tears. Yes, I admit it! I nearly cried and not because I couldn't help it. Alright so let me start from the beginning. I haven't been able to sleep now in 2 nights and not because I wasn't tired. I would get into bed and I jus couldn't find my comfort zone. To make matters worse, I've been having troubles breathing and I don't understand why. I mean Aiko has dropped lower down preparing to make her great escape into the world so I shouldn't be having problems right?! WRONG! I haven't been able to catch my breath in the last two days and it's starting to worry the hell outta me. truly it is. If the stress of giving birth wasn't enough. It's as if my body has finally given into the peer pressure from my heart and is also starting to fail me. last thing I want right now is to be admitted to hospital pre-labour for something other than pushing this beast outta me…

Ok so I woke to a message from A* telling me that something had come up and he wouldn't be able to come with me today to go baby shopping. I, naturally, was upset by it but in the back of my mind I sort of expected it. It's like after so long I've become used to getting disappointed by him. I even expect it when he doesn't disappoint me. sad right?! I mean the one person I should have a little bit of faith in, I expect the worst first before the good. See how messed up I am now?! Usually I expect the best even if the worst may come my way. Well after my mind also failed me and I said things to him that  didn't want to today, I decided to go do it alone. I mean that's how I've been doing it for months now and not by choice. The worst thing about doing it all alone is that I'm bombarded with these couples and pregnant women who look absolutely happy about where they are and whatnot and I can't help thing how badly I want that. How badly I just wanna enjoy this pregnancy with this irreplaceable smile on my face that I'M GOING TO BE A MOTHER! But every time I'm thrown back into the harsh reality that is my life right now. *Sigh* when it all falls down (Kanye couldn't have said it better).

Today also marked day 23 of my moms disappearance. The saddest thing is that the longer she's gone the more I realise how I won't be able to learn motherly things from her because she's not around to help me when Aiko finally arrives. Slowly I feel like every one is making choices about my life that I have no say in. I'm tired and every time someone asks about it, it kills me because I HAVE NO NEWS to give them. It's just crazy how one minute 2011 was the best year of my life and in the blink of an eye, it's turned out to be my worst ever.

But not all is lost. She's on her way and I can't wait to hold her in my arms. Maybe she'll be the answer I've been waiting for...