Just thought...

22 February 2012

14:01 PM

I have somehow found a new respect for single mothers and the things they have to go through for their child/children. The crazy thing is Layla somehow knows that it's going to be just the 2 of us 99% of the time. I'm finding the task that I have to produce a responsible, independent, caring and loving young woman quite daunting but so far I've managed to do everything on instinct.

The more time I spend with her, the more I learn and the more I want to make sure that she gets everything she needs and wants. And it seems all she needs is me, Her mother. I truly do love her to death and seeing her cry, even now as a baby, breaks my heart because I want to make it go away and just see her smile. She has one of the most beautiful smiles I'll ever see.

So her half sister was born on Friday and I can't help but think how lucky she is to have both her parents around all the time. ok I feel stupid for even caring but how would I explain it one day to Layla when she asks?! I mean, Layla will only be afforded that privilege every other weekend throughout her life. Well not exactly. Just until I get married, then she'll definitely have 2 permanent parents in her life, even if one of them isn't her biological father. But I have to make do with what I have. I will have to assume the role of mommy and daddy at times. It's things like this that have made me appreciate the struggles and hardships of single mothers. They truly are real life superheroes.

My baby is turning 1 month old on Monday (Yay! *happy dance*). She's grown tremendously over the last month. We've somehow established a routine that works for us(everyone else would think we're crazy). I find that now she wakes up less during the night and I can catch up on proper sleep! Not much can be said for the morning though, I tend to miss breakfast( in fact just finished breakfast a few minutes ago *hides* ( ag don't judge, I can't eat lunch without breakfast. It's good culinary etiquette). I look forward to the next one. I'm taking it one day at a time and it seems to be working. Can't say much for my energy levels though. There are unpredictable as a nappy change. One minute I'm teeming with energy, the next I can't keep my eyes open. Ah but I'm not complaining.

As far as my family is concerned the help me out when they can. Nah I lie, they carry her when the want to. The rest is on me. I don’t mind though. I get very edgy when anyone but me is holding my child. I do what I need t quickly just so I can have her in my arms again. I know, I know, it seems very clingy but can you blame me?! I mean when all you do is spend time with your child, you can't exactly expect to be so quick to be at ease when she's with someone who doesn't exactly know her. Ok I'm being a tad bit dramatic.. Haha..

The further I get

17 February 2012

15:16 PM

2012 has been quite an experience for me. first with me finally coming to terms with what happened last year with the whole A* drama and somehow managing to move past it(or at least deluding myself enough to believe I am past it). Either way, I think I'm a better person now. Then the time and experiences leading up to giving birth. That was another experience in itself.  then, I guess, being cool with A*(complicated) again. Know how?! Being numb when around him. Sometimes bottling things up, putting them in a state-of-the-art safe and throwing away the key and combination code has helped.

Now I have something new to process from that story. I figured out sometime in december that he had gotten engaged. The day I gave birth, I received an "accidental" message from her (yeah right, blocked her after that) intended at someone else that confirmed just that. The weird thing though about the message is that she saw the ring as more of a promise ring than an engagement ring. Uhm ladies, is it just me or does that seem weird?! Anyway last night when I congratulated him about the birth of his new baby and the engagement, he seemed a bit taken aback by how I could possibly have known. Well, I did know and I've known for a while. I'm just surprised he never mentioned it to me. I shouldn't care right?! Wrong! I care. And it's not because I still have feelings for him. I actually don't know why I do actually. Have no possible explanation for it. Oh well, I really do wish them all the best on their new life together with the baby and all. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, I do.

One thing about being a mother is the ability I have to let things go. Especially things that have nothing to do with me or shouldn't even concern me. I have a beautiful baby girl who my world now revolves around. Someday, someone will be fortunate enough to call me their wife and I hope I will have something so special with them that people will look up to that kind of love. Until that day, the love of my life and I will go crazy because she is the luckiest child on the planet to have a mom like me!

Motherhood

17 February 2012

14:10 PM

Yay! My angel is 3 weeks old today! I must admit, the past 3 weeks have completely changed the way I view the world and how i handle things. With everyday that passes seem to learn something new about her and myself too in the process. The minute everything just started making sense. I understood why it was better for me to stay single and why, at the stage I am right now in my life, this happened to me. it takes courage to accept and learn from the challenges that do a complete 360 on our lives. it takes even more strength and courage to forgive those who have done the unforgivable to us and had it not been for this, I doubt I would have ever understood why I have such a large capacity to forgive people.

I must admit, at first, having to deal with Aiko's odd sleeping hours and feeding habits was a bit of a challenge but somehow I adapted to them. We've managed to establish some sort of routine and I know what each cry( or at least, her attempts at it) mean. I've been pleasantly surprised to learn that she barely ever cries full on. I've only heard her cry seriously 3 times since she was born. Gotta love that hehehe..

Eh but she eats! She eats just like me if not more and I'm the one bearing the bruises. Lol. Well not that I'm complaining that she has a a healthy appetite. My problem is that my breasts are the ones that are suffering her feasting. At one point, I had her attached to my boob for a solid 2 hours! Yes, you read right, 2 hours! Well I just fell asleep. I was already too tired from my irregular sleep hours. you'd think she'd be full for a couple of hours after her feast, but nooooo, she was up again less than3 hours later ready to eat again! Heh?! Is this the monster i created?! Lol.. Not sure how to curb her appetite because the bigger she seems to be getting the smaller I also seem to e getting. Someone who didn't know me would probably assume that I had developed an eating disorder or something. That's how thin i seem to be getting!

She loves water too. If she cries just before I put her in water, she soon forgets about it the minute her feet touch the water. It's amazing how at peace she is once in the bath.

But I'm loving every single minute of motherhood. Every day is so new. She just experiences life in brand new ways. Ways that have become irrelevant to anyone over 12. I just stop sometimes and try to see what she sees and feels. It's truly amazing. Didn’t know I was capable of loving anyone the way I love my ray of pure sunshine. i  really can't imagine my life without her anymore. I really can't. nothing makes sense without her..

I love her cute little smile and the way she just seems to pout when i take a photo of her. I love it when she just stares at me with those big dark brown eyes of hers. I love the funny noises she makes when she's asleep and how  cute her little yawn is. I'm so in love with her and nothing and no one will change that..

 

3 weeks old and looking cuter than ever...

Welcome to the world… finally

15 February 2012

16:44 PM

Ok I know, I know. I've been bad. i haven't updated my blog in a while but can you really blame me?! I had a baby! She finally arrived after months of holding out on us. Yes, I said it, US! So I wanna share the story of my ordeal in labour because I have to tell you.. It's one hell of an interesting story!

On Tuesday, January 24th, I went for another check up and this time the Ob/Gyn ordered that i need to have a ultrasound done to confirm the babies "age". After hours and hours of bruising my bum( the public health system needs to get more comfortable benches yoh), I finally had a scan done. The scan determined that I was only38weeks pregnant(that's 9 and a half months for the rest of the population). Unfortunately the midwife didn’t buy what the scan said and so, she referred me to Bara for a second opinion for Thursday. Imagine my indignation when she said Bara. I don't have anything against that place but like really, Bara has some scary stories attached to it.

Anyhu I did as i was told and on Thursday morning I set off to Bara with my dad. We arrived there and as usual, I had to plant my ass on a solid wooden bench for a few more hours. The cool thing though was that one of the admin ladies who was starting a patient file for me there adopted me. Lol.. She even pimped her sons off to me. She was very cool. Anyway after getting another check up and having the gynae stick her fingers in places I do not want to mention, she admitted me there and then! That's right. No time to even go home or breathe or anything. She just filled in some forms and sent me off to get officially admitted to be induced. Luckily though, I wasn't the only one that was admitted that day and I managed to make friends with some pretty cool ladies whom, like me, were also overdue.

We all got changed into our gowns and pj's and then had to lay down for an hour strapped to a cardiograph machine(it listens to and records the babies heartbeat) after we were done, a lovely and cheerful nurse(sarcasm) escorted us to the maternity ward where we all took up residence until we went into labour. Since our labour were meant to be induced, we all started on a course of medication(forgot the name) to start the process. To my disgust, we had to consume this stuff every 2 hours! Well like a good girl, I drank my medication. After the first gulp of the stuff, I had quite strong contractions, safely let's call them pains. Lasted for a good 5 minutes. Well went through the night like that and each time the pains got stronger. Around 2am, after taking my 6th dose of meds, the contractions got super bad. I mean I was feeling contractions every 15 seconds! I told the midwife on duty about this and, well, they came to check me. At one point one of the midwives even shouted at me telling me that I didn't know what labour was so I must just keep quiet. She soon swallowed those words!

At 5am, the nurses woke everyone up to go take a bath. Well that was a fail for me because I was just in too much pain! I made it to the bathroom but I just sat there trying to manage my pain. Many of the ladies felt sorry for me because at one point I had tears in my eyes. Well I managed to drag myself back to bed where I was then hooked up to a cardiograph. This time it was also recording the intensity and frequency of my contractions as well as Aiko's heart rate. After an hour or so when the nurse came to check the chart that this thing was spitting out, I could tell by the look on her face that something was wrong because after she took it to the other sisters, one of them came to me with a drip. I was then put on a drip and told to get my stuff because I was going to the labour ward. Believe it or not, she made me walk, yes… WALK, to the labour ward in my condition. And she looked a bit irritated when I stopped to let the pain subside. Mxm.. Well I eventually made it and was hooked up to another cardiograph. This time i had to remove my clothes. Imagine that!

After about 15-30 minutes of bearing through my contractions, something unexpected happened. The pain became so intense that I started pushing. After my first push, my water broke. When I told the sister this, she didn't believe me. 5 minutes later, AT 07:05, I ended up pushing again and there kicking and crying between my legs under the blanket was lil Aiko. The crazy thing though is that I gave birth without a doctor, nurse or even midwife in the room! Yep! I was completely alone when I brought my child into the world. Luckily the nurse had come back just in time and everyone in the ward was now in my room rushing around and going through the routine of cutting the umbilical cord and checking the baby and everything. It was rather frantic in there. Yet here I was, very calm and not saying a word to anyone. Before I knew it, Aiko was rushed out the room and I was left alone with the nurses and midwives who were now fussing over me.

The worst thing though is that by delivering Aiko on my own, I had badly damaged my vagina( oh get over it, I said vagina).it was so badly damaged that the nurse who was meant to stitch me up, ended up first calling every single sister in the ward to come and observe the damage. I felt like a textbook. My room had officially become a drive through medical observation centre. I half expected one of them to walk in with a camera and start taking photo's. I wouldn't have cared if they did. That's how numb and tired i was. Spent the next 4hours just laying in that room. Between getting stitched up, informing all the necessary parties and bleeding out, I managed to fall asleep. Finally at around 12, I was discharged from the labour ward and transferred to the maternity ward where I was reunited with my bundle of pure joy.

I can't really explain the feelings I experienced when I saw her again. I had only been with her for a few minutes when she was taken away from me but then there she was again. Her tiny frame just made me melt and I fell in love with her. Her father felt the same way when i sent him a picture. She was perfect and I thank God that she was born healthy..

Introducing Aiko Layla Precious Boguo. Aiko at 5 hours old

And 10 ½ months later?!

25 January 2012

13:09 PM

This officially has been the craziest pregnancy of my life( well not like I've been pregnant before…). I'm currently sitting at 10 and a half months and now the doctor's and midwives are worried. Had my second hospital visit in a week yesterday and the news is just so confusing.

Last week when I went for my check- up, I was made to wait to see the gynae because well I am overdue. When I did finally see the gynae, he told me that he wasn't sure that my dates were accurate. He felt that Aiko may be younger than what my card said so he booked me to get a sonar yesterday. Funny thing bout that is that even the scan doesn't know what it wants! According to the scan I did yesterday I was only 38 weeks(9 and a half months) pregnant! When the other gynae saw that he sent me back to the ante natal clinic. I get there and the midwife explains to me that scans taken at this stage are usually wrong because they turn back the dates. At that point she hooked me up to a CTG( cardiograph machine) for an hour to monitor Aiko's heart rate. Imagine that! My booty is already sore from sitting the whole day on a wooden bench to get my scan done in the first place and her I am being made to sit again for another hour! My poor bum!

Was good seeing her though! She's such a beautiful baby and I haven't even seen her up close and personal yet! Well the midwife referred me to Bara tomorrow. If they confirm what south rand has determined then I will be induced and Aiko will be here by the weekend! Yay! Jumping up and down! Can't wait!

Some lady yesterday said that Aiko is late because this was part of her plan. To be out by pay day so that no one has an excuse when it's her birthday bout presents. Lol… I'm seriously thinking that's exactly why she's been refusing to appear! Smart kid already and she ain't even out yet! One day I'm going to tell her bout this! What a story for how your first born came into the world don't you think?! Hehe.. Good times to come!