Twenty 1

Thursday, 12 January 2012

20:44 PM

Today I'm 21 and 4 months old and I spent the day immersed in my thoughts and memories today. Worst thing, I guess, was most of my thoughts involved my ex. The rest were about my upcoming year, my life, how I'm going to manage to do this etc.

A few years ago when I thought about being 21, I was so excited. All I could dream about was all the freedom I'd have, but then 21 did come and my life was going in a direction I didn't ever plan or think it would. Here I was, not even a month into my 21st year, 6 months pregnant and heartbroken. The sad thing though is I somehow lost a big part of me in all that chaos. The best part of me. I didn't recognize who I was after it all and how I had managed to get myself into the mess I was in. how the person I loved wholly and unconditionally could betray me like he did. For a good time after that I felt pretty worthless. As if I had done something that made sure I deserved what I was going through. I blamed myself for how I was treated. Like I didn't mean anything anymore. Some part of me even blamed myself for what had happened.

I had so many questions. Why wasn't I good enough? Why was this happening to me? Didn't I deserve to be someone's world even just once? To this day I still don't understand how things got that bad and some part of me still feels like that young woman felt the day after turning 21. I doubt that will go away anytime soon. No matter how small that part of me is, it will still feel it.

Now I'm just days away from giving birth and every time I talk to him about something, no matter how menial, some part of me always goes back to that place afterwards. It still feels like I have so many questions but I won't ever get around to them. I built a wall so thick against the emotions, what happened and him that I'm slowly starting to feel nothing. I'm going numb and that's what scares me. I don't wan to go numb.

But here I am 4 months later. I feel a new sense of self awareness now. I can't change what happened, how it happened or even why it happened. All I know is that things in life happen for a reason. Even though this wasn't part of my plan it has made me realize something. There are greater forces at work in my life. And my story I somehow helping someone get through something that they are going through and finding strength from my strength. That I am proud of. I hope when my 22nd birthday comes around I would have achieved more than I anticipated I could have changed one more life. That is my goal for 2012 and beyond.